Everything Has Changed
by wiccangrrl13
Summary: Jax goes to prison to save Tara from the Pamela Toric fiasco and comes back a changed man but what changes will he find in Charming not to mention his own secret.
1. Chapter 1

So.. I own nothing unfortunately, or fortunately because then the amazing Mr. Sutter wouldn't have created this amazing world and characters I am completely obsessed with.

This story takes place after the end of season 6 and is AU from what happened in season 7. This is my first SOA fic so please be gentle! J

Chapter 1

Everything Has Changed

 _*Come back and tell me why_ _  
_ _I'm feeling like I've missed you all this time, oh, oh, oh._ _  
_ _And meet me there tonight_ _  
_ _And let me know that it's not all in my mind_

Tara Knowles watched the cars and bikes as they rode loudly in and out of the Teller-Morrow garage. Once upon a time she use to spend days here in high school, laughing and flirting with Jax or sparring with Gemma. As a mother she knew what Gemma meant by being willing to do anything for her children, but in Tara's case that also meant letting her children have their own lives. Gemma, well she had other plans. She looked to her right at the dilapidated playground that had once been so vibrant and filled with the laughter of the clubs many children, whose swings now blew empty in the hot California breeze and she wasn't visiting the garage, she ran it. And Jax was no longer a part of her life.

She had spent the first 6 months after Jax's arrest trying to get him to talk to her. She thought that the day in the hotel, after making the deal with Patterson, when she finally told him she loved him for the first time since she'd been released, that maybe after he served his time he would come to wherever she was. Maybe he'd finally leave SAMCRO.

Making love to him felt perfect. Only an hour ago she had been so afraid of this man but right then, in the motel room, she couldn't remember why. She knew in her heart of hearts that he would never have hurt her.

That all to brief happiness ended abruptly when she realized he had cut her out of his life entirely. She wasn't allowed to visit him and he cut off all communication with the club as well. She was afraid for Jax and his safety, but the plan was that she take the boys and leave Charming. He had made her promise to move somewhere safe, away from the MC and start a new life for her and her kids.

So despite any idle hope she'd had for them she moved to Rosamond in Southern California that reminded her of Charming and she got a job pretty easily at the Antelope Valley hospital about 20 min from home so there's wasn't a huge commute which meant more time with her kids. Things were looking up. Though the reality of leaving the MC life behind was easier said then done. Once you were Jax Teller's old lady there wasn't a lot of anonymity in California and the drama of Charming followed her when she was recognized.

Not wanting to wait until thing went from bad to worse she packed up again and moved to Colorado. Getting an amazing job at Children's Hospital Colorado in Aurora. She finally relaxed. This wasn't just a new place, it was a whole new state. The weather was amazing. Summers were warm but not excruciatingly hot, though the winters made her miss California "winters" the kids loved the snow. The community was so welcoming and she hoped she had finally found her bliss.

The fresh start in Colorado provided her happiness and the ability to breath without looking over her shoulder. For two years. Then she met a man. He was funny, and intelligent and seemed light hearted in a way she had grown unaccoumsted to.

Robert was an owner of a local bar, Clutch. Loud music and laughter filled the air most nights at the bar, as did motorcycles, and kuttes. She smiled and was friendly but didn't really socialize with anyone but Robert until one night six months into dating he told her that he was a part of the motorcycle family. The Sons of Silence (SOSMC).

Tara wanted to cry and laugh at the same time. The irony was not lost on her as he told her the sugar coated version of what the MC was. How he wanted her to be his Old Lady and how they were all just big teddy bears that loved motorcycles. Conveniently leaving out that he had been one of Six Sons of Silence who were arrested by the ATF in April 2001 on the charges of trafficking cocaine, cannabis and methamphetamine, as well as firearms, throughout the state of Colorado. A quick google search on him and the club gave her all the information she needed.

The next day she broke it off. Which Robert didn't take too well. She filed a restraining order after he tried to pick up Abel from school and smashed her hand in her car door when she tried to stop him. She was afraid for her children. Not that she really believed he would obey it but the RO was useless and she found no help from the police. After 3 months of him terrorizing her, Tara, unwilling to play a waiting game any longer did the only thing she could think of. She called Chibs. The guys showed up at her house two days later. Chibs, Juice, Happy, Tig, and a prospect the guys called Wicked Willie all smiled and hugged her. They were the only family she'd known for so long. She missed them so much more then she realized.

Chibs didn't waste any time. They quickly made their way to Clutch. Once they arrived on scene it didn't take long for an agreement to be reached. SOSMC out of respect for SAMCRO revoked Robert's patch. This wasn't his first offense and they seemed more then happy to take his kutte. There was no way they were going to create drama between the two clubs. In fact the visit turned to business quickly as the boys found a new way to earn by opening another Diosa in Colorado and cutting in the Sons of Silence. Pussy truly was the biggest, most constant income the club had, with two houses in NoCal, two in SoCal and Redwoody they were earning big and legal.

The guys spent the next two days visiting with Tara and the kids and setting up a house for the "companions ". Tara smiled as she recalled when Gemma had told her what Nero had said he did when they'd first met "I'm a companionator. I bring folks together. I'm all about the love."

She'd moved three times in the past three years and now that Robert had screwed up her hand her surgical days were over. As much as she wanted something different from life these years on the run from the MC made her realize that these men were her family. This MC was in her blood, her DNA and danger was everywhere.

Now that SOA was out of guns and earning legally the things she feared the most for Her, Jax and their kids were no longer factors. When it was time for them to leave Tara realized she wanted to leave with them. Wanted to go home. Chibs was not sure it was the right thing to do. He had after all promised Jax that Tara would get a better life but even though he knew he should have fought her harder on this he missed her and the kids. With them around it was like having a small piece of Jax, of First 9 back where it belonged and it just felt right. So he and the guys helped Tara pack up her apt and the kids and moved her home.

Tara sat in the Teller-Morrow garage and smiled at the rebuilt club house where she and the kids had lived for the first few month of her return.

"Aye Lassie where your head be at today?" Chibs says as he enters the room planting a sweet kiss on her forehead.

Tara pulls him back for another quick kiss. "I was just thinking about getting one of the guys to fix up the swing set but after that kiss I'm kind of distracted."

Chibs smirks as he walks into on of the work bays to put the brakes on a Audi. Tara smiled. If you asked her she's not sure she could pinpoint when exactly things between her and Chibs had turned from friends to more then friends. It wasn't exactly about love. More like companionship and it was a complete surprise to her, but it, He, made her happy and she loved they way Able and Thomas hung on his every word and the way he looked when he held Charlie who would be 6 in June and looked more like her daddy every day. Dirty blonde hair, hazel eyes and a smile that lit up the room and Chibs loved her like she was his own.

 _* Lyrics from Everything Has Changed by Taylor Swift_


	2. Cold As You

So.. I own nothing unfortunately, or fortunately because then the amazing Mr. Sutter wouldn't have created this amazing world and characters I am completely obsessed with.

I would like to thank all of your that are giving this story a chance.. there's has been such over whelming response. I have a few idea about where I'm going with this finally but I hope you enjoy the ride. I'm sorry the chapters aren't longer, I have a bunch of family visiting so I'm trying to steal away whenever I can for a few minutes to write but it's very limited. Hopefully we can find them a house soon so I can have my life and writing time back to my own. :)

Chapter 2

 _You have a way of coming easily to me_ _  
_ _And when you take, you take the very best of me_ _  
_ _So I start a fight cause I need to feel something_ _  
_ _And you do what you want cause I'm not what you wanted_

Driving through town in his car makes everything seem surreal. Though Charming hadn't changed much in the years he'd been gone it also hadn't stayed the same. A new housing project had opened and the smaller coffee shops have been replaced with Starbucks but the main drag is still small business central and from what he can see as he passes the club still owns the ice cream shop. Though now it actually sells ice cream and seem clear of all but a few club members and is full of family and couples enjoying the sweet treats on this warm June evening.

Not being able to move too far from the bikes he use to ride in terms on badassness Jax now drives a black 1969 Dodge Charger that he'd rebuilt. Split front grille, full-width taillamps and six-cylinder make it a little less difficult to be inside a cage instead of on the open road. He had a lot of time on his hands after he'd been released. Lowen had found multiple errors in Jax's deal and had gotten him released after 2 years. It was a testament to her skills and commitment. He asked her not to contact annoying in the club and to never let Tara know. He knew before he could even think about seeing her again that he needed to become the man she'd known he could be. He moved to Klamath Falls Oregon and started over. Lived simply. Lived a small life. Worked hard as a mediocre mechanic for a wonderful old man who grew to love Jax like a son.

This man, this one time stranger had taught Jax so many things about what it meant to be a man, a real man, in the short time he'd known him then in all his years with JT or Clay. He'd died about a year ago, a loss that Jax knew would haunt him and in passing he left the garage and his house to Jax. So there he was; a man with his own legit business and his own home. Everything on the up and up and yet he was still missing something.

It really didn't take a rocket scientist to figure it out. He'd never been truly complete without Tara, and his boys. Sure there'd been other women. He was after all Jax Teller, but as usual none of them mattered. He knew it was time to show her that he was a different man, a better man now. That he could love her and support her in the ways he always knew he should have.

So when all of the addresses he could find for her online ended in Charming he figured that she really had a dropped out of sight and the only way he might get a lead was to close his shop for the weekend and take a trip to his hometown. Even if the chance was small that the SONS might have some idea of her whereabouts he had to take it.

 _You put up walls and paint them all a shade of gray_ _  
_ _And I stood there loving you and wished them all away_ _  
_ _And you come away with a great little story_ _  
_ _Of a mess of a dreamer with the nerve to adore you_

Tig noticed the classic car pulling onto the Teller/Morrow lot just as he was getting ready to close up for the day. It was suppose to be an early day since there would be a party there tonight. Hoping it would be something simple or that the owner wouldn't mind coming back on Monday he approached the car as the man inside stepped out.

"Hey man I'm sorry but we are cutting it short tod... Holy shit." He dead panned as he realized the man standing before him, looking very different but very much the same, was Jax Teller.

"Bruther!" Jax smiled at the stunned man and hugged him.

"They finally let your ass out? I know it couldn't have been for good behavior!"

"That's a long story man." Jax vaguely said.

"Want a beer?" Tig offered and ushered Jax inside the club house.

The club house has been rebuilt and Jax hardly recognized it, inside and out. It's had big bay windows and was filled with Video games and pool tables. Not much inside says secret society. How the MC conducts business in private was a mystery with all the open areas. It took only second for the bar inside to erupt in praise and celebration at the appearance of one of their own after all these year away.

Many of the faces were unfamiliar to Jax but some were family. Tig, Juice, Happy, Bobby. The whole placed smelled like leather, and alcohol and love. It was the only love he'd known until he met Tara, and even then he pulled her into that world instead of following her into hers. He made some small talk but scanned the group for the current president of SAMCRO, Chibs. The church doors opened and Chibs stepped out. He was more then shocked to see Teller standing before him and was frozen in place. It was Jax who made the approach to the man he loved as a friend for almost his entire life. The men embraced and Jax asked to speak privately.

Chibs tentatively moved them back into the church.

"How you been, man?" Jax asked

"Hanging in there brudah. What brings ye back to Charming?" he asks. But inside he already knows.

"Tara."

"Stupid question aye." Chibs smiles

" It's been years man and every address I can find for her is here in charming. I figure she took the "fly under the radar" seriously and wondered if the club had any info on her current 20?"

Chibs wasn't sure how to answer and did realize he had been sitting there in uncomfortable silence until Jax spoke, "Chibs?"

Jax was worried that Chibs was hiding some news about Tara or the boy that he was afraid to tell him. Had the something happened to them? Everything he could imagine going wrong ran though his mind and he was about to push the man across from him for more information when the door behind them opened breaking the silence.

"Please don't make me stay at this party. It's for babies." Abel moan as he walk over and leans on Chibs shoulder.

Jax looks on in happy silence as Tara enters, and unaware of his presence walked over to Chibs and kisses Filip, handing off the little girl that's attached to her leg.

And just like that his exhuberence at seeing her again shift to one of confusion and finally anger.

"It's your turn." She smiled at him. " I have to set up for the party. There's going to be about 15 6 year old here in two hours." She doesn't notice anything out of the ordinaly at first, it's only when she's ready to retreat to pink and purple birthday decoration that she notices the terrified look in Chibs' eyes, and that Abel seems to be looking in the same direction as the other man. She turn to follow their line of sight and sitting at the far end of the redwood reaper table is none other the Jax Teller.

There has never been a louder silence and the three stand stuck in that way for what seems like the longest moments of Jax's life. This couldn't be happening. He watched as Tara looked from him, back to Chibs and the beautiful little girl now sitting on his lap.

"Jax..." Tara starts to speak, but the words are cut short as Jax walks out of the room and out of the club house in complete silence

 _Oh what a shame, what a rainy ending given to a perfect day_ _  
_ _Just walk away, no use defending words that you will never say_ _  
_ _And now that I'm sitting here thinking it through_ _  
_ _I've never been anywhere cold as you_

Lyrics from Cold As You by Taylor Swift


	3. Talk To Me Now

I own nothing but my OC, they and this amazing world belong to in incomparable Kurt Sutter and FX.

Please disregard any spelling or grammar errors. I do my best to keep it to a minimum. Again these chapters aren't as long as I'd like, but with family here and helping them house hunt there are currently 6 adults, two dogs in a three bedroom house so I'm doing my best.

I'd like to thank everyone who has followed/favorite me or this story and for comments I've gotten both good and bad publically and in PM. I really do appreciate all feedback. So without further adeu…

Chapter 3 - Talk To Me Now

 _*I am a woman by birth_ _  
_ _and after nineteen times around I have found_ _  
_ _they will stop at nothing once they know what you are worth_ _  
_ _talk to me now_

It's been two days since Jax's return and two days since anyone has seen or heard from him. Tara, still livid about the whole thing sits on a wicker chair in her backyard watching the sunrise. She can't remember the last time she's slept, though she supposes it was two ago. Inside she can hear the hustle and bustle of Chibs getting the kids ready for school and day care. Abel and Thomas are getting so big. Abel knows something's up. He keeps asking about the man at the clubhouse. She knows sooner or later she'll have to explain who Jax is.

Nothing made sense anymore. Not only was Jax out of prison, apparently he'd been out for years and Chibs knew. He knew! It made her sick to her stomach to even think about it. How could he have hidden this from her? She had always been honest with him about all the times she still refused to believe that her and Jax's love story ended this way. The thing that made it easier was that she had no choice. That there was no talking to Jax while he was on the inside, but that one day when he got out he would come home and they would deal with it all. Now, well it felt like a slap in the face that the two men who she loved and claimed to love her had kept this huge secret.

She kept replaying it over and over in her mind:

"Jax..." She had barely gotten the words out before he took off. This was bad. Really bad. She turned to Chibs, "Filip?"

The scot shook his head. He didn't even know where to start. Tara knows instinctively by this silence that there's something she's missing. She asks Juice and Bobby, who are trying to peer in the now open doorway, to take Charlie, Abel and Thomas and closes the doors to chapel behind them. Through it all the man she is currently living with refuses to look her in the eyes. It scares her and Filip has never scared her. Not even when she was a teen. He simply struck her as a good man and until this very moment she has never doubted that assessment. She sits down in what was the V.P. Chair. She is probably the only woman ever allowed in church let alone to sit at the table for any reason, but she wasn't just any woman. She has earned her spot in the club and if women were allowed to patch in she would have been a full fledged member and man/woman(?) of mayhem already for all she'd done for this club.

"Well?" She questions with more then a little annoyance. It was starting to really piss her off that he was saying nothing.

"Aye don know what to say. I think it's quite obvious that Jackie boy is out."

"Sarcasm? Really? That's what you want to use right now?"

Silence.

Trying to reign in her anger she gets up and paces the room.

"When? And why didn't we hear from Lowen when he was being released?" This too was followed by silence. "God damn it Filip say something!"

He runs his hands though his prematurely salt and pepper hair and knows that the shit he is in is about to get deeper.

"I did hear when he was released..."

Tara cuts him off, her fear and frustration getting the better of her. Keeping her cool was never really her strength. "And you didn't think you should tell me?!"

She's yelling over him and she thinks she hears him continuing to speak and stops dead in her tracks. She is not sure she can trust her own ears, because if she heard him correctly she thinks she might need to sit down.

She looks at Chibs and he nods his head as if to confirm what he said. " Ya heard me correctly mo ghra." He says, his accent thick as he says the last words.

" No. No. NO! You did NOT just say 5 years ago!"

" I did. I don know all the details but he was released two years into the sentence."

The brunette is pacing uncontrollably now. This was all just too much. Too much. "How?"

"Like I said I don know the details.."

" No," she cuts him off. " How do you know? Did he just tell you?" The dreaded silence is the only answer she gets. "Did he!" She yells, her hands landing with such force that it shakes the redwood table where Chibs sits, demanding his attention.

Filip was not a man that had been afraid of much in his life. He hated but was never afraid of Jimmy O, not Fiona, not the Cartels or the rivals MCs, but right now he was terrified to look into her beautiful green eyes. He did so only when he knew he had no other option and the hurt that already reflected in them was about to get so much worse.

"No. He called me after he got out." And right then he saw the color of her eyes change. Not that you could say the shade was different but the light that was always a part of the smile she gave him disappeared.

"Wow" was all she could get her mouth to say. It was actually quite surprising considering the amount of profanity swimming in her mind.

 _I played the powerless_ _  
_ _in too many dark scenes_ _  
_ _and I was blessed with a birth and a death_ _  
_ _and I guess I just want some say in between_

" Mommy?" The adorable voice of her middle child, Thomas broke her out of her memory.

" Hey there little man? You ready for school?"

"Uncle Chibs said to come give you a hug." He says as he runs over and jumps in her lap. All of Jax's children were undeniably a Teller. Their hair and completion all screamed Jax but Thomas has her eyes and she can read them like a book.

"What's wrong buddy?" She asks as she sits him in her lap. He just shrugs. "You know Mommy can make everything better right?" He nods again.

"Are you ok mommy?" He asks.

"Why would you ask that? " she inquires of her sensitive son.

"You just look sad." He answers and apparently he can read her eyes as well.

"Well I am a little sad baby but it will all be ok."

"You know I can make it all better." He says mirroring her words. His little face serious with worry lines etching his adorable scrunched up forehead.

She wants to laugh but doesn't want to offend his earnest response. Instead she says you "You can? How?"

The little blonde in front of her leans in and kisses her on the forehead the way Filip always does to her when he's being sweet. The action brings tears to her eyes for many reasons. Looking at this little boy who no doubt is going to be a total heartbreaker when we grows up she can't help but break into a big smile.

"You know what?!" She says in mock shock.

"What?!"

" You were right! I feel better. Thank you for fixing it!"

"I got this," he says in all seriousness

She can't help but smile a real smile, the first one in two days.

"Come on laddie we have ta git ya ta school." Chibs walks onto the patio and sees Tara's smile. It's a real one. It melts his heart and breaks it at the same time. That smile is for her child and while it's well deserved and beautiful he wonders if there will ever be a time that she will smile for him, at him, because of him again.

He knows it's wrong to love her. He never planned it. He just knew it was a comfort to have her and the kids home where they belonged. He smiles down softly at Tara as he picks up Thomas and throws him over his shoulder. She simply turns her eyes back to the skyline in front of her without a word to him at all.

 _don't you understand_ _  
_ _in the day to day_ _  
_ _and the face to face_ _  
_ _I have to act_ _  
_ _just as strong as I can_ _  
_ _just to preserve a place_ _  
_ _where I can be who I am_ _  
_ _so if you still know how_ _  
_ _talk to me now_

Lyrics from Talk To Me Now by Ani Difranco


	4. Lesson Learned

Hello my lovely readers! I'm so sorry it's been so long since my last update. While, yes my family is still here :| other things are calming down in my life so i have a bit more free time to write. In fact I have actually written ahead several chapters. Hoping to have time to edit and correct grammar etc and post another chapter or two this week. Trying to keep them short since time is limited and i want to get them out to you.

I also want to say THANK YOU to everyone reading and following/favoriting this story. I am so inspired and scribble notes on scratches of paper to remember for when i can sit and write. You are all giving me life with you comments and review both good and bad. I really want to know what you think! Hope you all enjoy this update and i'll try to get another chapter up in the next day or two.

Disclaimer: As usual I own nothing that's why i'm poor and writing fanfiction. Kurt Sutter you are a God and FX i thank you for green lighting such a great, great show that deserves all the Emmys!

Chapter 4 - Lesson Learned

 _Tonight the sunset means so much_ _  
_ _The one thing that you know you'll never touch_ _  
_ _Like the feeling, the real thing_ _  
_ _I reach out for that sweet dream_ __

 _But somehow the darkness wakes me up_ _  
_ _I've felt this emptiness before_ _  
_ _But all the times that I've been broken_ _  
_ _I still run right back for more_

So much for a quick weekend getaway to visits his hometown. So much for thinking he has friends and family here. So much for him and Tara. His trip from Oregon to California was supposed to be quick. Up and back with maybe some hope of finding the woman he loved. He knew there was a chance that she and the boys had moved on. It was after all what he had wanted. For her to have the life she and the boys deserved. A life filled with laughter and love not tears and violence. He knew it was pointless to hope that somewhere another man hadn't fallen in love with her, he just always hoped that when she saw all he and accomplish for her and his boys that the connection they always shared would rear it's head and even though she would care for this other faceless, nameless man it couldn't hold a candle to what she felt for him. Unrealistic? Maybe, but he didn't exactly expect that other man to be one of his oldest and dearest brother, and he most certainly didn't expect it to be someone a part of SAMCRO.

So here he is, Monday morning has arrived with its blinding California sunshine and stifling heat. Any other time he would have welcomed it. A stark change from the weather in Oregon that rarely had any extreme temperatures, unless you counted snow. He missed the heat and the warmth of the California sun on his skin and hair, which was much darker without the sun bleaching it.

Jax has already called his shop manager to take care of things for the next few days. He has been drowning himself in beer, pussy, and bud; three things always readily available to him in Charming. He walked out of that clubhouse with no intentions of returning. The one thing he knew in that moment, the moment his son walked to Chib, the moment that Tara's lips touched another mans was that if he didn't leave right then he would seriously end up back in jail. It took everything in him to not pull his gun and shoot the traitor right then and there.

His mind had learned to accept a lot of things in his life. That his father possibly killed himself, that his stepfather had attempted to his father, that his mother had manipulated both those men, that if left unattended for any longer his mother would have killed his wife. This should have been a cakewalk, but through it all he had at one time or another doubted all those people. He had never doubted Tara.

 _You'd think that I'd learn my lesson by now_ _  
_ _You'd think that I'd somehow figure out_ _  
_ _That if you strike the match_ _  
_ _You're bound to feel the flame_ __

 _You think that I'd learn the cost of love_ _  
_ _Paid that price long enough_ _  
_ _But still I drive myself right through the pain_ _  
_ _Yeah, well it turns out, I haven't learned a thing_

He closes his eyes and relives the worst day of his life, scratch that second worse…

He pulled up at his house just in time to see Juice and Eli racing inside. He followed quickly, gun drawn. They all made it in the door just as Gemma submerged Tara's head in the sink. It took both men grabbing Gemma and Jax pulling Tara to separate them. His wife gasped for air and the blood pooled out of the side of her face a result of his mother hitting her with an iron. The barbecue fork in Gemma's hand leaving no question as to her intent.

" It had to be done. It had to be done. I had work to do. She did this. She made a deal. She betrayed him."

Eli handcuffed Gemma and called for a medic. Jax charged his mother.

"She didn't rat mom. I gave myself up to protect her, to protect my boys! What the fuck mom?!" He shoved her hard and Sherriff Roosevelt pulled the older woman out of reach.

Juice who has been keeping a dry rag pressed against Tara's face to try and staunch the bleeding tried to break his President out of his immediate anger, "Jax.." He said softly to bring back his president from what he's sure would be a very bloody and life ending mistake if made in front the sheriff.

" No. No. It had to be done" Gemma chanted is shock. The ambulance arrives and as Jax helped Tara out of the kitchen he stoped briefly at Gemma. She quiets as she gazes at her son.

" You are dead to me mother. You are nothing. And you will never see me or your grandsons again"

The look in his eyes tells her that she better keep her mouth shut. The sheriff reads Gemma her rights as he walks her out to the waiting car. The rest of the MC looks on in shock. The high queen of charming just took a mighty long walk off a short pier.

Jax never went back on his word to his mother. He never went to her trial or subsequent sentencing. He also made zero attempts to attend her funeral either. A nasty prison brawl had taken her life. The details were of no importance to him. It was simply taken care of and that's all he needed to know.

Jax figures no one in Charming probably realizes he still owns Gemma and Clays house so there'd be no one looking for him there, so that where he'd been since Friday, his room at his moms.

Maybe it was the masochist in him because Gemma hadn't changed it much since he'd lived there as a teen and that meant the room was littered with pictures of him and Tara. A kiss on the beach at Malibu, a profile of her in black and white, from behind when she had gotten her crow tattoo were all visible through the faceless women riding him, or laying missionary beneath him as he tries to rid his mind of Tara and Chibs. It doesn't work and he's pretty sure he never really expected it to, he was just trying to even the score by fucking as many women as he could. He was Jackson Teller and member of the MC or not he was a fucking legend in Charming.

The sun in Cali burned hotter and shown brighter than Oregon and in his morning stupor he can barely see as he walks into the kitchen. He starts a pot of coffee and sits at the table where he remembers happier time here consisting of family dinners with the club or Tara and him with the boys. He rubs the beginnings of the beard that's been growing in since he barely left the house let alone showered or found a razor in days. He's been clean-shaven for years now so the rough stubble feels odd against his finger.

He wanders the familiar house as he waits for the coffee. On the mantel is a picture of him and a very pregnant Tara. He closed his eyes. Avoidance isn't going to work this time. He needs to see her. She was the reason he came here in the first place and he realizes there's no leaving until he's done that.

 _Sometimes I think I'm better off  
To turn out the lights and close up shop  
And give up the longing, believing in belonging  
Just hold down my head and take the loss_

 _You'd think that I'd learn my lesson by now  
You'd think that I'd somehow figure out  
That if you strike the match  
You're bound to feel the flame_

 _You'd think that I'd learn the cost of love  
Paid that price long enough  
But still I drive myself right through the pain  
Yeah, well it turns out, I haven't learned a thing_

*Lyrics Learn My Lesson by Daughtry


	5. That's Another Song

Welcome back lovely and faithful readers! I told you I would try and get another chapter out. I know they are still so short and I'm sorry, but I think it's better to have smaller updates then none, at lest that's what I love when reading a story, and I do read tons of stories on here. So if you have a story you want me to read, or some suggestion please let me know!

I appreciate all the feedback and I will keep doing my best to continue update at least once a week. I'm gonna shoot for Monday nights since that's usually my slowest day. Again, you all give my life with your reviews and I appreciate all feedback, good or bad… I hope for good lol

Disclaimer: Kurt Sutter owns all of SOA and probably the world. FX I thank you for airing this and wait not so patiently for The Bastard Executioner. I however own nothing.

Chapter 5 – That's Another Song

 _*I used to sing to her, it used to make her smile_ _  
_ _She knew all the words for a while_ _  
_ _I sang love me tender always and forever_ _  
_ _Hold me baby all night long I could go on and on_ _  
_ _But that's another song_

The quiet that engulfs the house after the kids have left for school in the morning is normally a very welcome reprieve from the non stop life of a mom with three kids, but this morning it is the most annoying sound. It gives her brain too much time to think. Too much time to see Jax's face as he leaves that room. So when she opens the door to see that very man standing in front of her she's not even close to prepared.

He stares at her directly in the eyes almost daring her to invite him in. He knows he's itching for fight. He wants to say so many things to her, to hurt her the way he hurts, but seeing the sad look on her face he pulls it all back, at least for the moment.

"Can I come in?" he asks.

She doesn't know if she trusts herself to speak so she simply steps aside and lets him in.

He stands just inside the door and looks around the tidy living room of the house that belongs to Chibs. It's covered in pictures of his brothers, not that he still considered Chibs one of them.

However there are also tons of pictures on Tara, and HIS sons. The meek hold he had on his temper is fading away. The life he has always known he and Tara should have is unfolding in front of him in photographs of a life he doesn't recognize. Abel in his first football uniform. Thomas playing T-Ball. It was hard to believe that Abel was now 11 and Thomas was 7. Tara in the hospital holding her and Chibs daughter.

 _We used to go for walks on a country road like this_ _  
_ _It's funny all the small things you miss_ _  
_ _Like puttin' pennies on a train track, the way you brushed your hair back_ _  
_ _The sun on your face, I wish I were there today_ _  
_ _But that's another place_

He forces himself to turn away from it, least he destroy the entire house. She motions for him to follow her into the kitchen. "Tea?"

"Sure."

"What kind?"

"Kind that goes good with a shot of Jameson." He sits at the modest kitchen table. "Kids at school?"

"Yeah. Chibs went to the garage too."

"Did I ask about him?" he says before he can control it. He sees even from behind that she sighs and her shoulders drop, but he's not about to offer any sort of apologies.

A few seconds later the water boils and Tara brings them both cups over, along with a bottle of Jameson. She dumps a shot into the tea glass for him, and tea bag for her. Though after a sip of the tea she reconsiders and adds a shot in hers also.

Tara wants to laugh because even though there's so much to say, and answer for on both sides, they are both still just as stubborn as always and neither wants to be the one to speak first. She inwardly takes a breath as she knows it's going to be her… like always.

"I know I have a lot to explain, but I think you do too." He speak first and it surprises her.

"I think we both have a lot that needs to be said, but can we do it without fighting?"

Jax chuckles sarcastically, "I come home to find you living with Chibs, and raising our kids with him and you want to have a civil conversation?"

She doesn't respond since she knows that he right. She's livid and trying to control her own emotions is going to be hard.

"Care to explain yourself?" he pushes.

"Me?! You go to prison and completely lock me out, then apparently get out after only a few years and you just bail?!"

"Bail?!" He yells

"Yes, you just bail on me and kids! You completely leave your family behind and run off to God knows where to do God know what and you want to ask ME to explain myself?!"

Jax takes the shot in his cup, pours himself another one, and downs that as well before getting up from the table to look out the kitchen window.

He opens the back door and goes out onto the patio and sits on the bench. After a few minutes Tara follows him out.

 _Oh, the way I used to hold her_ _  
_ _The things I should've told her_ _  
_ _If I could make the clock unwind back to she was mine_ _  
_ _But that's another time_

"I went to prison Tara. I went to prison not for the crimes I committed, or for club. I went to prison for YOU. For my family, my boys. To take away the pain my crimes had inflicted on those things that I love the most. I loved you enough to let you go. To give you the life away from SAMCRO that you wanted, that you needed to make you and my kids safe. Of course it helped my club, but the only people I was concerned with were my family."

Tara stares straightforward, unable to speak, so he continues.

"I didn't want you to visit me because I wanted you to start the life you'd been fighting for. After Patterson left and you told me you loved me, I was amazed that after all I've done to you, all the promises I'd gone back on that you did. I never expected to hear that again, and it broke my heart, and made me love you more then I ever knew imaginable. And then you let me kiss you, and hold you and make love you, and then it all vanished when my mom tried to kill you. All the goodness I'd been hanging on to went right out the window. As long as I had connection to her and the club I could never be the man who deserved you. I had to keep you away from me. But I made plans, plans to get out, and make good, and be the type of man you deserved. So when Lowen got me out I didn't want to just run right to you, and make you promises I might be unable to keep."

"So you just left?"

He shrugged, "I left. I got out. I moved to Oregon and started over. Tara I am different man now. I knew that you would be different too, and that everything has changed, but I never thought that after all I did, you would be the one to let ME down."

Tara stared at him in shocked silence. He stood and kissed her softly on the forehead. "I love you Tara. Goodbye."

It seems like this was the day that would never end. Jax knew that going to see Tara was going to be hard but it had been worse then he could have ever imagined. She blamed him. The woman he had done everything for blamed him for the end of their love affair, but she was the one that turned on him. She moved on, with a man he looked up to.

After their talk and his hurried exit from the house he couldn't imagine just going back to his moms place and sitting there. He knows from years of experience that all it will do is amp him up to just sit there and think about it and without any doubt he knows he'll end up at the club house again and into it with Chibs. So he just drives. Drives until he's out of gas and refilled the tank and just stops at the first hotel he finds.

He'd should go back for his things, but he wants nothing more to do with Charming or Tara, and he most definitely wants nothing to do with the Sons of Anarchy Motorcycle Club every again. He wants to go home, and home definitely isn't Charming anymore.

 _Oh, the way I used to hold her_ _  
_ _The things I should have told her_ _  
_ _If I could make the clock unwind back to she was mine_ _  
_ _But that's another time_ _  
_ _I could go on and on and on but that's another song_

*Lyrics That's Another Song by Bryan White


	6. Both Hands

Hello, hello. So I ended up with some free time today so i got through this chapter. Was gonna wait to post till tomorrow night but decided to let it out early.

I hope everyone reading and reviewing is still enjoying, but i must come out and say I got a review recently that made me squee with glee! Jordan McGee... one of my absolute favorite fanfiction writers, read, reviewed... and LIKED my story so far! if you all haven't read The Right Direction part 1 and 2 you must! Go, read, enjoy.. ok finish this chapter first and then go read these. I have read The Right Direction Part 1 several time and have literally sat there crying real tears, and i wait not so patiently for updates of part 2. So Jordan I hope you continue to read and enjoy.

To everyone that is reading and reviewing this story i thank you very much. I love all the positive feedback, and while no one likes negative reviews i do appreciate that they are intended to make me better and i strive for that. So without further ado... chapter 6

Disclaimer: As much as i wished i made some money off this writing thing.. i do not.. but fully support people like Kurt Sutter who create such rich character and worlds.

Chapter 6 – Both Hands

 _*I am walking_ _  
_ _out in the rain_ _  
_ _and I am listening to the low moan_ _  
_ _of the dial tone again_ _  
_ _and I am getting_ _  
_ _nowhere with you_ _  
_ _and I can't let it go_ _  
_ _and I can't get through..._

 _the old woman behind the pink curtains_ _  
_ _and the closed door_ _  
_ _on the first floor_ _  
_ _she's listening through the air shaft_ _  
_ _to see how long our swan song can last_ _  
_ _and both hands_ _  
_ _now use both hands_ _  
_ _oh, no don't close your eyes_ _  
_ _I am writing_ _  
_ _graffitti on your body_ _  
_ _I am drawing the story of_ _  
_ _how hard we tried_

Tara isn't sure how long she's been sitting in the dark but at lest a few hours must have passed. The kids went to bed but not without a fuss, and Abel, who was now 11 and way more Jackson Tellers' son then she could ever imagine asking about the man at the garage.

"Mom, who was that guy?"

"What guy?" Tara questioned as she finished dinner. Abel sat at the table doing his homework.

"The guys at the garage the other day?"

She knew who he was referring to but didn't know how to answer. How do you tell your son that the man he is asking about is his father? She didn't hide anything from Abel, and hadn't hidden Jax from him. She made sure the kids knew their father, but all of the pictures she had of Jax and her were from years ago, and he looked very different now.

She looked behind her at the table to find a very curious Thomas looking up from his seat. Charlie as always is in her own little world. Not caring at all who the man was, only interested in the book she's reading, her long eyelashes moving with each blink.

"Mom… that was dad wasn't it?" He pushes her again and she turns to face him. Noticing that for the first time Charlie is looking up too.

She turns down the stove to let the hamburger helper simmer and sits down with the kids. "You're a very observant kids Abel. Yes that was your father." She watches as he looks on a little wearily. He has memories of Jax that aren't always about how happy he was to see him. She knows he doesn't understand what those memories mean but the pictures he use to draw of Jax always seemed to include a splash of red on his shoes or his shirt. To Able just a color but to Tara it was a harsh reminder of the violent time they found their love in.

While Able didn't know exactly what those splashes of hue meant he knew on some instinctual level that it wasn't good and was always a little reserved when it came to the topic of his father. Thomas however didn't have any tangible memories to hang on to and the thought of his father lit up his face. She could see even now that his brain was trying to bring up an image of the man he had probably not paid any attention to the other day.

Charlie on the hand looked mad. "You ok baby girl?" She questioned.

Slamming her book down the tiny hot head stormed from the room and slammed her bedroom door. Standing Tara sighed and turned off the burner completely and excused herself to go after her daughter.

Knocking as she opened the door she finds the dirty blonde sitting on the floor holding a picture of her and Chibs from her recent 6th birthday. Tara sits on the floor next to her and looks at the picture. "That's a good picture."

She's greeted with silence. "What's going on baby?"

With tears in her eyes she looks up at Tara, "I don't want Abel and Thomas to call that man daddy. I want them to call my daddy, daddy."

Tara wants to cry so much right now. She's been through this with her youngest time and time again, but no matter how many times she tell Charlie that they all have the same daddy the little girl insists that the man in this picture, the man who has held her when she cried and kissed her boo boos is her daddy. In many ways she's not wrong, he has been the one that's been there for her, but that was only because Jax, her real daddy had been away.

If only he hadn't taken them all off the visitors list, if only he'd not left them behind when he was released. If only she hadn't come back to Charming. His daughter loved another man and Tara didn't know how to fix it all.

Sitting in the dark while the kids sleep isn't exactly helping, but it isn't hurting either. In the past week she's learned that Jax had been released early from prison, had been living in another state for the last 7 years, had a confrontation with him where he told her how SHE let HIM down, fought with Filip, and had to try and explain to her kids about Jax. Abel wanted to see him again although she was sure he would hide behind her most of the time, Thomas was so excited to see him that he cried when she explained it wouldn't be tonight and Charlie wanted nothing at all to do with anyone that wasn't Filip

 _I am watching your chest rise and fall_ _  
_ _like the tides of my life,_ _  
_ _and the rest of it all_ _  
_ _and your bones have been my bedframe_ _  
_ _and your flesh has been my pillow_ _  
_ _I am waiting for sleep_ _  
_ _to offer up the deep_ _  
_ _with both hands_

She notices the brief light from the street lamp illuminate the living room as Chibs comes home. It's late, and she suspects his arrival at this hour has less to do with work or club business and more to do with their fighting.

"Late night?" She questions.

Chibs jumps slightly at her voice, more from the amount of sadness he hears there then from fear. He hangs up his Kutte and locka away his gun before returned to the living room.

He notices how sad she looks sitting on the sofa with a blanket wrapped around her. "Mo Ghrá." He kisses her on the forehead and she leans into it. He sits on the ottoman in front of her. Putting his hand on her legs he says, "I'm sorry. I should have told you sooner. You and the kids had just moved back here from Colorado. You were just settling in when he called. He was already in Oregon. I begged him to tell you but he said he loved you too much to disrupt whatever life you were making for you and the kids until he knew he could be who you wanted. I wanted to tell you."

"But you didn't Filip."

"I didn't, and I am sorry for that, but I'm not sorry for this." He gestures between the two of them. "This has made me happy and I hope it's made ya happy too. I love you and the kids."

"But it's built on a lie. I thought that I had to move on, that Jax had locked me out. You know I wanted so badly to see him, especially after finding out I was pregnant with Charlie. That I tried again and again to send him letters asking to put me back on the visitation. I did it for years and you knew it. You knew he was out and you let me keep trying Filip." She saw the amount of pain this was causing him, and it was all so fucked she didn't know what to do or say.

"Jax came by today. You know he sat here and told me everything he'd been doing to make a better life for me, for his kids and then he told me how I let him down." Chibs looked into her sparking green eyes misty with tears. "I love another man, but not just any man. I love you. I do Filip, I do love you, but all of this… I don't know what's happening anymore. I don't know how to figure this all out."

He wants to beg her to stay, beg her to choose him, tell her that Jax left them all alone and he's the one whose been here every day loving them all, but he knows now is not the time.

"I love you Tara. I'm sorry for everything, but I do love you." He stands and she watches the glow of night lights as he heads in to kiss the kids goodnight.

 _in each other's shadows we grew less and less tall_ _  
_ _and eventually our theories couldn't explain it all_ _  
_ _and I'm recording our history now on the bedroom wall_ _  
_ _and when we leave the landlord will come_ _  
_ _and paint over it all_ _  
_ _and I am walking_ _  
_ _out in the rain_ _  
_ _and I am listening to the low moan of the dial tone again_ _  
_ _and I am getting nowhere with you_ _  
_ _and I can't let it go_ _  
_ _and I can't get though_ _  
_ _So now use both hands_ _  
_ _please use both hands_ _  
_ _oh, no don't close your eyes_ _  
_ _I am writing graffitti on your body_ _  
_ _I am drawing the story of how hard we tried_ _  
_ _hard we tried_ _  
_ _how hard we tried_

 _* Lyrics by Ani Difranco - Both Hands_


	7. Crazy

I'm back once again with an update for you all. I'm trying my best to update this at least once a week and keep writing so I can get a little further ahead.

I hope you are all enjoying this. I am certainly enjoying writing it. I have so many idea laid out for each chapter so it's now the process of getting it all down and seeing what works and what doesn't.

This one is short and I'm sorry... I'm getting longer chapter in the next few i think since i seems to be getting some more personal time.

Again, I want to thank EVERYONE that has reviewed my story…Cindy Burick, , cejsmom, Gladz08, Rhonda L, DJQ2116, almostfamous5, katannc, 1, 1, .9066, tlcdreamer16, , amdurrant, Kathy Greco, saldred75, Tessaturd, poeticallyflawed, Markay81, Mssilvers, easmith75, JordanMcGee, jaxsforever, and all the different Guests! You guys make my day!

As always the disclaimer: I am simply a fanfiction writer who owns nothing but thanks the owners and creators Fox, FX, and Kurt Sutter as well as the amazing actors who brought these characters to life each week.

Chapter 7 – Crazy

 _*There's no hiding room_ _  
_ _When every wound_ _  
_ _Brings the darkest place to light_ _  
_ _So why not assume_ _  
_ _That straight out of the womb_ _  
_ _I've been marked by a beast of some kind_ _  
_ _(Marked by a beast of some kind)_ _  
_ _And there are so many reasons why you're not_

 _Crazy for leaving_ _  
_ _Just crazy for staying so long_ _  
_ _I'm amazed you're still breathing_ _  
_ _Amazed you can feel at all_ _  
_ _For all the pain I caused_ _  
_ _I'm the one crazy after all_ _  
_ _The one crazy after all_

The morning light comes too quickly and too bright for Jax. His ride out of town ended quite quickly after he realizes that leaving charming is not going happen again without his boys. He has lost enough time with them thinking he needed to prove something to Tara. Not anymore. Abel and Thomas are his sons. He'll be damned if he's going to let another man raise his kids any longer, and he sure as hell isn't going to allow Chibs to be that man. It was bad enough that he had Tara, Jax would rather die then let his boys call that man father. He could have Tara and their daughter. He had fought one way or another for Tara his whole life it seemed. He felt like he didn't know who the hell he was without her.

When she left after high school, he remembers it was her who left. Of course she left because it was always expected of him to follow her. To leave a life he created for himself to be in hers. Even after 10 years she had a hard time acclimating to SAMCRO life and he gave up his club and his freedom for her. Well that time has passed. He has given up a lot in his life for his club, and his mother, and the woman he loved, be he will NOT give up his boys.

He takes a quick shower and changes into the few pieces clothes he has here. He has to go shopping. Now that he'll be staying in Charming for a bit he needs clothes and other odds and ends, but first he had to make the 9am appointment he has. He grabs his keys and runs out the door. This is one appointment he doesn't want to be late for. Fifteen minutes later he's sitting quietly in a conference room. It's only a few minutes after 9am when Lowen enters. She's older, but age has agreed with her. She shakes Jax's hand and introduced him to the man accompanying her.

"Jax this is Arthur Dell. Dell, Jackson Teller." They shake hands and sit at the table.

"You doing ok?" Jax asks the woman who had represented him and the club for so many years.

"I am. Clean representation suits me. Well, dirty… but clean." She smiles.

"Mr. Dell…" Jax begins.

"Please call me Art."

"Art, I assume that you've been filled in on my reason's for todays visit."

"I have. You want to file for divorce from Tara Knowles Teller, and seek full custody of your two sons, Abel and Thomas. Is that correct?"

"It is."

"Are you sure this is what you want Jax?" The man in his early 50's asks.

Jax sees Lowen's weary glance. "I know you've moved past the club a long time ago, but did you know that Tara is back in Charming? Did you know that she's with Chibs and they have a daughter together?"

Lowen can't hide her surprise. "I didn't."

"I think the time to ask what I want is no longer about do I want to be with Tara, but what do I want to do about my sons, and the simple answer to that question is that I want them in my life, and away from SAMCRO."

"Then we won't waste any time Mr. Teller. I'll have the paperwork completed and served to Ms. Knowles this week and before that I'll file an emergency injunction order to give you temporary, full custody of the boys. The club may be living on the semi right side of the law now, but all the law sees are the wrong side they are founded on. I don't see any problems as you are the one living away from the outlaw lifestyle and can provide for the boys. I'll call you once it's all done. It's been a pleasure."

 _There's no need for signs_ _  
_ _When your crying eyes said a million words tonight_ _  
_ _And I'd rather die than see you do time_ _  
_ _For the wrongs that you can't make right_

 _You're not crazy for leaving_ _  
_ _Just crazy for staying so long_ _  
_ _I'm amazed you're still breathing_ _  
_ _Amazed you can feel at all_ _  
_ _For all the pain I caused_ _  
_ _I'm the one crazy after all_

Standing Jax shakes both their hands. He never in all his life dreamed of a day that he would be the stable parent living within the rules and regulations of mainstream society. He drives home still on edge. He knows Tara and Chibs well enough to know that neither one will accept this without fighting back. After hitting the nearest stores for some clothes he drives back to the house. He cleans up and starts his laundry in the garage washer and dryer when he notices a tarp covering what can only be one of Clay's old bikes that Gemma had never had the heart to get rid of.

He uncovers the bike and the dust so thick it's practically part of the paint job. The reaper etched in grey on the tank. He finds the keys in the house, still in the bowl where Clay had always left them. He adds some fuel to the tank and turns the key, holding the clutch he hits the start button. Nothing. He doesn't really expect it to work, the bike has been sitting for more years then he can remember. Jax sighs. It's been ages since he worked on a Harley, and it killing him to see the beautiful bike not in riding order. He walks over to the Craftsman tool box on his left, all the tool laid out exactly the way the old man had taught him growing up. Picking up the wrench he starts taking the bike apart piece by piece. It's going to be a long, hard task to repair the bike but now that he's finishing things with Charming and it's residents he's got the time.

 _I'm so far gone, found my way back to broken somehow_ _  
_ _Yeah when you moved on, then I can't find my way out_

 _You're not crazy for leaving_ _  
_ _Just crazy for staying so long_ _  
_ _I'm amazed you're still breathing_ _  
_ _Amazed you can feel at all_ _  
_ _For all the pain I caused_ _  
_ _I'm the one crazy after all_ _  
_ _(The one crazy after all)_ _  
_ _I'm the one crazy after all_ _  
_ _The one crazy after all_ _  
_ _I'm crazy_

Lyrics by Daughtry – Crazy


	8. With or Without You

Hello all, yes I'm back again. One more update and I'm a few chapters ahead and editing.. woot woot.

Thanks for all the follows, favorites and reviews. I'm having a blast writing and hope your enjoy reading.

Disclaimer: This wonderful world is created and owned by Kurt Sutter, FX and FOX.

Chapter 8 – With or Without You

 _*See the stone set in your eyes  
See the thorn twist in your side  
I wait for you_

 _Sleight of hand and twist of fate  
On a bed of nails she makes me wait  
And I wait without you_

 _With or without you  
With or without you_

The redwood table seems to come to life in the darkness and shadows of the chapel at night. The flashes of headlights dance across the reapers blade making his grin mock Chibs as he sits in his president seat. He's been sitting there for hours trying to figure out how to make everything go back to the way it was before, but he isn't sure exactly which before he means. Before Jax took a hefty prison sentence, or before Jax came back to Charming. Either way the scot wasn't sure things would be better. If he went back to before Jax went to prison he wouldn't hurt so much right now because he would never have known what it felt like to love the same woman as Jax, but if he went back to before Jax came back he didn't know if he would ever have had the courage to tell Tara the truth.

From the moment Jax called him he knew it was going to be a clusterfuck.

 _"_ _Chibs." He answered his phone._

 _"_ _You got a minute for a ghost brother?"_

 _Filip smiled and chuckled "Jackie boy, how ya hanging in there brudder?"_

 _"_ _I need your help."_

 _"_ _Aye, what can I do?"_

 _Chibs eyes widened as he listened to Jax. "I don't know Jackie, it's not a good idea to leave your old lady alone." He warned._

 _"_ _She's doesn't belong to me brother. Not right now."_

 _"_ _Tara will always belong to you Jax. She's yar true north man. She deserves to know your out."_

 _"_ _You know I always appreciate anything you have to say brother, but this time I can't pull her back into my life until I know I can have a life outside of SAMCRO. Can you please just keep my release to yourself? I only called out of respect to you…"_

 _"_ _Jesus Christ Jax ya called cause ya knew I'd hear from the inside."_

 _The silence on the phone made both men unsure of where to go next. They had never been at a loss for word in their friendship until now. The only thing that made the older man agree to keep the secret was because he knew the Jax was going to do what he wanted anyway, and telling the club, or Tara would only hurt and enrage them both respectively. You didn't just walk away from your club and not pay the price, and even though Tara had only just moved back to California from Colorado it would do nothing but hurt her and put her and the kids whole life in chaos… again, if she learned the truth._

 _Through the storm, we reach the shore  
You gave it all, but I want more  
And I'm waiting for you_

 _With or without you_

 _With or without you  
Ah ha  
I can't live with or without you_

 _And you give yourself away  
And you give yourself away  
And you give  
And you give  
And you give yourself away_

It was unusually dark for a summer evening, and a look at the clock told him it was hours earlier then he thought it was. Since the moment Tara and the boys, and finally Charlie moved into his house he has always wanted to go home. Never once has he stayed out longer then necessary and any glances at crow eaters became nonexistent. He loves walking into his house that was now filled with children arguing, and Tara trying to referee. The sound of his little girls' feet on the hallway carpet as she ran straight into his arms to welcome him home.

The smile on his mouth dies away slowly as two current facts filter their way in. First he knows he's still sitting at the table procrastinating going home for the first time in years, and second, that amazing little girl wasn't his. He had missed so many years with Fi, and Kerrianne, and he regretted that but it wasn't through any sort of lack of trying on his part. Fi had made those choices, so being there all throughout Tara's pregnancy and finally bringing them back home and raising Charlie filled a void in his heart he didn't even know was empty. Rubbing his face and misty eyes with his rough, year of wear and tear hands didn't bring any sort of relieve to his psyche about his fucked up situation. He knows that Tara will always choose Jax. I mean, history has always repeated itself with those two, and the only one to lose anything will be him. He'd lose his brother, his love and the children he had helped to raise.

His phone vibrates on the table and he's surprised to see Tara's name on the caller ID.

"Everything ok love." He says, but there's no trace of love or hate in voice. He's numb.

"No. Please tell me you're at TM?"

"Aye, the kids ok?" He questions quickly unable to hide his love of the kids.

The door to the chapel open and Tara hangs up the call. She throws some papers in front of him as he hangs up his phone since she's obviously now standing in front of him.

"Kids are fine, Filip, but I'm about two seconds away from committing a felony."

He furrows his brow and picks up what she dropped, which appears to be two sets of court documents. The words that immediately stand out to him on the first set are LEGAL DIVORCE, and on the second are FULL CUSTODY OF MINOR CHILDREN.

Tara looks like she's about to end up in the hospital. Her face is red and she breathing heavy. You can see the dried streaks of tears that had been running down her face. He wants to ask her what she expects him to do about it? Why she's come to him? Tell her that she's the one that said she doesn't know what to do about the situation. But he can't. It's Tara. He loves her too much to add more to her already full plate.

"Sit down girl." He says as he pulls out a chair for her. She looks up at him the tears once again filling her green eyes. He goes to the bar and grabs a bottle of water and some tissue and closes the door behind him when he returns. She looks at him as he open the water bottle for her.

"Why?" She says softly.

"He's hurt, and angry…"

She cuts his off. "No, why are you being nice to me? I've been a bitch to you since this whole mess started. I mean I had reasons to be angry, but I know you love me Filip and it must be killing you to hear me talk about Jax. Let alone storm in here to you, upset that he wants a divorce and custody of the boys."

"I've no delusions about you and Jax, a ghrá mo chroí." He stands and walks back to his chair and the paperwork he left behind. He picks it up to reads more as Tara looks on silently. "I'm no lawyer but it looks like a straight forward petition for separation. What confuses me is why he's only asking for custody of Abel and Thomas."

Tara shakes her head as the tears well up and spill over again. "He thinks Charlie is yours."

"How?"

"I never had a chance to tell him and then he told me he was disappointed in me and walked out. I didn't even know how to get any words out let alone that she was his. I thought I'd have more time. I didn't know he'd try and take them!"

"Ya have to tell him Tara." He says. He hates it. He wishes he could keep Charlie and Tara and even Abel and Thomas all to himself, but he knows all to well what it feels like to not be a part of your child's life and he wouldn't do that to another parent, let alone a brother. He takes her hand in his as she looks at him, angry, and scared and he nods his head at her, "Ya have ta tell him, but ya don't have ta do it alone. All ya have ta do is ask."

 _My hands are tied  
My body bruised  
She's got me with  
Nothing to win, and nothing left to lose_

 _And you give yourself away  
And you give yourself away  
And you give  
And you give  
And you give yourself away_

 _With or without you  
With or without you  
Oh  
I can't live with or without you_

Tara looks at the man in front of her, really looks at him. In the face of possibly losing her, losing the children she knows he loves, losing a life long friendship, he's still there, standing beside her when the going gets rough. She texts Jax that she's gotten his paperwork and that she had to talk to him, in person before she moved forward with it. He brushes off her request at first, but finally gives in to one meeting. They agreed to meet at the park at 10am. She shows Filip the final text and says, "I'm asking."

He nods his consent and that simple nod of his head makes everything in her heart ache. She never thought there'd be a time where anyone else could ever challenge her love for Jax, and while she knows whatever she has with Chibs doesn't exactly change things in her heart regarding Jax, they do confuse things because whether she wants to admit it or not, this man had taken a piece of her heart, a piece she knows that even if she choose Jax will always belong to the man sitting at her side. As everything she thought she knew was changing one thing was staying the same, and that changed so much more then he knew.

*Lyrics – With or Without You by U2


	9. The Best of Intentions

Guess what?! Another Chapter! I know I'm excited too.. lol. I've already written ahead, I think I'm on chapter 13, and editing 10-12.. and OMG.. I LOVE chapter 12, can't wait for you all to get there with me.

My house? Still not my own! But I'm learning to work around it and take me time which is writing and editing.

So, as soon as I get it done, you will get it. Thank you once again for reading, reviewing, like or hate it I appreciate everyones input. So please don't hesitate to tell me what you really think!

Enjoy!

Disclaimer: Kurt Sutter is a God. FX is amazing, and I am an obsessed fan.

Chapter 9 – Best of Intentions

*I had big plans for our future  
Said I'd give you the whole world somehow  
I tried makin' good on that promise  
Thought I'd be so much further by now  
Never could build you a castle  
Even though you're the queen of my heart  
But I've had the best of intentions from the start

Now some people think I'm a loser  
'Cause I seldom get things right  
But you make me feel like a winner  
When you wrap me in your arms so tight  
Please tell me you will remember  
No matter how much I do wrong  
That I had the best of intentions all along

He knows that the two people on the park bench have heard his car approaching before they saw it. Already looking in his direction as he exited his car, he knows it's going to take everything in him to not kill anyone. They sit so close together on that bench, his best friend, and his wife. It's enough to make him lose his breakfast.

He sits across from them still wearing his sunglasses. He refuses to give either of them any sort of respect, especially since they had the audacity to come to this together.

He pushes since it seems neither of them have any intention of speaking. "I said I'd come. I'm here. What?"

Tara sits across from him, and he only looks directly at her briefly. That quick glance though exposes a woman so afraid. It use to break his heart to see her afraid of anything, especially him. He pushes those thoughts out of his head before his heart can respond to his instinctual need to protect her. That is clearly Chibs job now.

"Well?" He says to a still quiet table.

"Jackie boy…" Filip begins since Tara is frozen, but is quickly cut off.

"Jesus christ man, can you shut the hell up. This conversation is between me and Tara. I have no time for a traitor."

"Watch yourself brother. " the man warns.

"Or what? You'll send me to meet Mr. Mayhem so you can keep Tara and the boys all for yourself? I may have changed a lot but I can assure you I didn't bring a knife to a gun fight." He answers.

Chibs pulls his gun and points it at Jax's chest. "Go ahead. Pull the trigger. Pull. The. Trigger. Or put that shit away cause you have as much to answer for as I do, "brother". " The blonde is standing and looking directly into the other man's eyes. Chibs looks down at Tara who nods and he lowers his gun back into his kutte.

But as he sits down, he finds himself face to face with the barrel of Jax .38. "Point that shit at me again and I won't hesitate to pull my trigger." He puts his gun away and still standing looks at Tara.

"I don't have time for this. You said one meeting before you agree to sign the papers. This is it. It's your one chance Tara. Then I want my boys and I want to go home."

"Not just the boys." She says so faintly he's not even sure he heard her.

"Really Tara begging isn't attractive."

"God dammit it Jax, NOT JUST THE BOYS!" She finally yells regaining her voice and anger back over her fear and intimidation. He'd never able to bully her when they were together she sure as hell isn't going to let it start now.

"And you self righteous prick I'm not begging to get back together with you. Not everything in this world revolves around you and your wants and needs. Not everything is about what you think is best. I have a whole life now. A whole big, full life and family now that you're not a part of because as usual you made decision that were only based on what you wanted, or what you felt needed to be done and while your intentions were admirable it was bullshit to run from me and our kids no matter your reasons. You missed so much of the boys' life! And you've missed Charlie's entire life so far. So forgive me if I find your "I needed to grow" excuse pathetic. You made bad choices. Great, we all did. We all do. But you don't leave behind your family and expect them to understand when YOU decide it's a good time to come back."

Jax is ready to explode, but something is eating at his mind. Charlie. Why would it matter if he missed the birth of her kid with another man. "Charlie?"

"Yes, Jax. She's your daughter you jackass!" She leaves both men standing in silence and walks to sit on the nearest swing.

The two men stare daggers at each other in what appears to be a rather large pissing contest, so it surprises Jax when Chibs speaks first.

"I'll give ya guys some time. Tell her I'll pick up the kids today." He slowly walks past Jax patting the stunned man on the shoulder as he does.

Jax can't even acknowledge the man's gesture. He stands rooted to the grass beneath he feet even as he hears the sound of Chibs bike drift off into the distance. He's not even sure how he makes his feet take those first steps, but before he knows it he's standing behind Tara.

He gently pushes the swing and watches a Tara glances over her shoulder at him. He pushes her a few more time in silence before sitting on the empty swing next to her. Was any of this really possible? Was this just a cheap ploy to stop the custody battle?

Tara stops the motion of her swing with her bare feet in the sand and turn to face the man she's loved for most of her life. "She really is your Jackson."

"How?" He says so confused at this most recent surprise in his life.

"The day in the park when I thought the worst of you." She's taken back to that day like it was just yesterday…

 _I gave you a ring_ _  
_ _And I promised you things_ _  
_ _I always thought we'd do_ _  
_ _But my best-laid plans_ _  
_ _Slipped right through my hands_ _  
_ _To show my love for you_ _  
_ _And if you could read my heart_ _  
_ _Then you'd know without exception_ _  
_ _It was all with the best of intentions_

JAX: Sit down.

TARA: What are you gonna do?

JAX: I just need to talk to you. I know you think you need to do this, but I can't let know that.

TARA: Please don't hurt me in front of the kids.

JAX: That's not what I want.

TARA: But that's all there is. There is no other ending. I have sacrificed everything for you. I have tried to see what you see, how you see it, but I can't. All I see are the lies and the violence, and how it's changed you. Turned you into a monster. I'll die if I have to. At least I know I tried to save them from becoming what you are.

JAX: I never forced my life on you. You came back to me. You're part of what I am, Tara. You always have been.

TARA: And that was my mistake. Thinking our love, our bond, was stronger than the pull of your history. But it's not. You were gonna pull them out of this, remember? You were gonna break the cycle. I know the turmoil you live with, Jax. I feel the pain you wake up with every day. And now you condemn your sons to that same torture. They will suffer with this. (crying) Can you let me say good-bye to them before you take me?

JAX: I'm not going to hurt you. I'm not going to hurt them. You don't have to run. Not anymore.

TARA: What am I supposed to do?

JAX: Just be a good mother. Save our boys…

JAX: Nothing will happen to her or my boys. She's free to take them anywhere she wants.  
You get the real devil responsible for the death of four kids, and an innocent woman is set free...  
I'll meet you at our house at 6:00. Turn myself in…

TARA: That's the only deal.

PATTERSON: I'll let everybody know...

TARA: Thank you.  
JAX: I love you.  
TARA: I love you

It seems like they both remember that day so vividly they are back there. He's thought about it since he was incarcerated and every single day after that. That Tara still loved him. What it felt like to hear her say those words after being absent from her voice for so long. What it felt like to hold her again. How even in the face of her thinking the absolute worst of him she still loved him. He could feel that kiss on his lips even now. So much distance closed in that one kiss. So much time lost, regained, and so much love left unspoken, written in volumes in that moment. And he remembers making love to her. He's been so long in his own head it takes him a few seconds to realize that she's knelt in front of him, her able fingers on his thighs.

"I never stopped loving you Jax. I tried from the moment I found out about her to come to you. I really thought that we'd work it out. I have never respected or loved your more than in that moment when you made your family your priority. But you didn't let me in. You never seem to let me all the way in. As much as you love me there's always something you're holding back. Some small part of you I can't touch."

He looks into her eyes and takes her face in his hands. He's overcome with so much emotion in this moment. It's Tara, and now it's this little girl he suddenly wants to know so badly he aches. He kisses her and she kisses him back, but it's soft and tentative and it's like there's a tidal wave of emotions between them that he can't wade through to get to her.

"Jax…" she gently pushes him back.

"I'm sorry." He says as he puts some distance between them again. His arms at his side, like a nervous 15 year old boy.

"Can I?" He says.

"If you want to see your children I can bring them to you." He nods still unable to form a complete sentence. "Where are you staying?"

"Gemma and Clays."

Tara looks a bit surprised that she's didn't figure that our sooner. "Charlie is out of school already, but the boys won't be out for a few hours. Meet you there around 4?"

He nods as Tara walks past him to her cutlass. He has a daughter. A little girl that needs her daddy, and he can't wait to meet her.

 _So here I am asking forgiveness_ _  
_ _And praying that you'll understand_ _  
_ _Don't think I take you for granted_ _  
_ _Girl, I know just how lucky I am_ _  
_ _Though you deserve so much better_ _  
_ _You won't find devotion more true_ _  
_ _'Cause I've had the best of intentions_ _  
_ _Girl, I've had the best of intentions_ _  
_ _Yes, I've had the best of intentions loving you_

* Song lyrics – Best of Intentions by Travis Tritt


	10. Zoe Jane

Hola! So sorry it took so long. I had friends visit from out of state and didn't have a lot of time. They left tonight so I got the editing done on this.

I hope everyone is still reading and enjoying. Let me know what you think!

Chapter 10 – The Way That a Father Should Love His Daughter

 _Well I want you to notice  
To notice when I'm not around  
And I know that your eyes see straight through me  
And speak to me without a sound_

 _I want to hold you  
Protect you from all of the things I've already endured  
I want to show you  
Show you all the things that this life has in store for you  
I'll always love you  
The way that a father should love his daughter_

Four O'clock comes and goes and Jax finds himself pacing the kitchen of his house calling Tara's cell for the 5th time. Again it goes to voicemail. "You said 4:00." Is all he says and hangs up. Its short, yet he can't let himself say anymore. He needs to try and keep it cool, always cool. That's what his attorney had told him.

He'd already called the moment he'd gotten home to tell him about Charlie.

"So she's kept your daughter from you for all these year. That's not going to look good to a judge."

"She didn't exactly keep her from me…"

Arthur cuts him off, "Did you know about her? "

"Well No, but…"

"Then she purposely kept your daughter from you and put herself in a relationship with a man still involved in criminal activity. Make sure you keep it all civil. No disagreements. Nothing she can pull out to use against you in court." Jax had decided against telling him about pulling a gun on the couple. "Jackson, I've no doubt I'll have your children in your care by the end of the week. I'll call you when I know more."

The litigator hung up before Jax could get in another word. Jax pinches the bridge between his eyes and nose. This complicated situation keeps getting more intricate. He's about to call her again when he hears a car door close. A knock at the door happens before he can look out the window. Opening the door he looks out at nothing, until he looks down. Thomas is standing there staring up at him holding up a picture he's drawn.

"It you daddy!" He exclaims and Jax thinks his heart might burst with joy.

He kneels down to Thomas's level and takes the picture. "Its awesome buddy. I love it." He says as his youngest son hugs him. As he takes Thomas in his arms and stand up Tara walks up to the door, Abel slightly behind her.

"I'm sorry I'm late." She says.

He moves aside to let them all in. However it's glaringly obvious that someone is missing. He looks at Tara who nods her head and silently mouths the word "later."

Abel looks around the kitchen. "Who lives here?" He says to no one in particular.

"I do son." Jax says.

Tara is amazed at the reverence in his voice. It has always gotten to her, the way a man so prone to violence and hardness can be so soft and sweet when it come to his children.

Abel looks around a little bit longer and then says, "No, before you? I've been here before."

Tara and Jax exchange knowing looks. "You're right" he says as he puts down Thomas and walks over to a so grown up Abel. "You have. You're grandma, my mom use to live here."

Abel glances down at the scars on his forearm and walks back behind Tara. Tara, sensing Jax's disappointment says, "Can I use your bathroom?"

She excuses herself to leave the boys alone with Jax, but instead of using the restroom she goes into one of the other back bedrooms to make a call.

"Chibs." The man on the other end answers.

"We're here." She says. "Thomas is thrilled but Abel is still a little reserved."

"Aye, he'll come around love. I gotta go. Club business."

They hang up the phone and Tara realizes that she's in Jax old bedroom, clearly where he is still sleeping instead of the master. It's a mess of bedding, beer bottles and the smell of bud. Tara can only imagine the debauchery that has gone down in here since he's been home.

She looks around the room feels like she's stuck in a time warp. It's like he's never left. Well, it's like 18-year-old Jax has never left. The same Harley posters with half naked girl line the walls, and the dated southern rock CD's on the shelf are a definite reminder of the simpler times.

She walks to the dresser and finds that not only are the wall adornments the same, but the same pictures of her and Jax still line his mirror. A mirror she used to look into on a daily basis and wonder how a guy like him ended up with a girl like her. She picks up one of the pictures and smiles. In the picture she's sitting in a tattoo chair looking over her shoulder at the newly inked crow on her lower back.

"Now everyone will know that Tara Knowles will ALWAYS belong to Jax Teller."

He had told her this with such happiness and excitement in his voice, and he's not wrong. That Tara will always belong to that Jax, it's the current incarnations that she's unsure of. She takes the picture and sits down on the beanbag chair in the corner.

The sound of hysterical laughter makes her jolt awake. It feels like it's been only a few minutes but the moonlight streaming in the window tells her otherwise. She must have fallen asleep. She stretches and blocks the glare from her eyes when she opens the door.

More laughter and the sound of video game fill the house. She hears laughter from all three of the boys in the living room. She leans against the wall in the hall and watches with a small smile creeping on her face. Jax is sitting on the floor playing cars with Thomas while cracking jokes with Abel about the racing game he's playing, a plate of sliced apples and caramel on the coffee table.

"Mommy!" Thomas gets up and runs to her.

"Hi little man. You guys having fun with dad?"

Thomas and Abel both start talking so fast and at the same time Jax just laughs, and Tara has no idea what either one of them is saying. She smiles at Jax. It's a stark reminder of what every day could have been, but Tara can't live with could have been. "Tell you what guys," she interrupts "Daddy and I need to talk, so can you guys keep playing while we go into the kitchen?" They both nod and go back to their games as Jax follows Tara into his kitchen.

"I'm sorry I fell asleep."

"It's ok, gave me some time with my boys." He says and pauses before asking "Charlie?"

Tara knows the answer is going to break his heart so she has put if off as long as she could. "I'm sorry. She didn't want to come." She sees the pain that is revealed only in his eyes. She sits and motions for Jax to join her. Once he is seated she continues, "She's having a hard time with all this." She pauses because she knows the next sentence is only going to cause conflict, "Chibs is the only fathers she ever known, she's not ready to know you yet."

He is trying to keep his temper in check. Keep it cool. "And whose fault is that?!"

"I'm sorry Jax. We'll keep trying. We will. I just don't want to force this on her. I don't want to make this harder."

"Harder on her or you?" He focuses those icy blue eyes on her.

"Yep. You're right Jax. I'm holding your daughter hostage. Making all of this harder on you. It's not at all about the fact that your 6-year-old daughter is having a hard time with all of this. Of course it's all about you. Always has been and always will be." She pushes up from the table and walks into the living room, "Time to go boys. Get your backpacks. NOW!" She commands, as the boys argue not wanting their time with their dad to end just yet.

"Get your things guys." He says. "I'm sorry." He looks at her again and she can see the immediate anger has drained from his eyes. "I'm sorry. I'm just, I'm just disappointed."

"I know you are Jackson, but I promise we will keep trying. We could all make this at bit easier and you could come to dinner so she can see that meeting you doesn't mean she loses Chibs."

"Jesus Christ Tara are you really suggesting that I come to dinner with you and him?"

"It would make everything a lot easier."

Can I pick up the boys from school tomorrow?" He asks avoiding the question. "I can't Tara and you can't really expect me to come to a home your share with him and our kids. I'd do a lot to make this easier but I can't do that. "

"Ok, you can pick up the boys from school." She says. She knows if the roles were reversed there's no way in hell she could step foot in any home he shared with another women.

On the drive back home she knows she's got some decisions to make, and she knows one that might be the right answer for right now. She needs to move. Living with Filip is unfair to him since she's so messed up about everything with Jax, and it wasn't fair to Jax who only wanted to know his children. Moving into her own, neutral place where both men could come until all of this was settled was the best of all the current bad options. So tomorrow she decides she will look for an apartment and hope for the best from it all.

Chibs hates hanging up on Tara so quickly, but it's been a long while since the club has had any business like the business he was about to conduct and he couldn't take any chances they thought the Sons had gone soft.

The sound of approaching bikes breaks the silence of the hillside, the men arriving mean business, they always mean business.

"Que pasa Jefe." Alvarez says as reaching for Chibs hand.

"Not too bad." They shake. "It's been a while."

"Too long. Órale man I hear the Jax is back."

"Long story." Chibs tries to avoid that conversation.

"I know we got history so outta respect for Jackson I wanted to let you know the Irish, man, they got a buzz going."

"What do they know?"

"Jax has come back to the family fold. Maybe getting the Sons back into guns ese?"

"Shit, no. Sons are out of guns and staying that way."

"I hear ya man, but those Irish pricks been looking for a reason to come at you. I gotta head out there's some shit hoppin off with the one-niners. Watch your backs and don't let it be so long before we meet again friend."

Chibs shakes the hispanic mans hand again and watches him and the rest of the Mayans ride away. Tig approaches from behind.

"Everything ok Pres?"

"Call Jax. Tell him to be at church in an hour." He runs his hand through his hair as he watches his VP on the phone. The last thing he wants to do is talk to the former president but with the Jax on the IRA radar he's no choice to warn him.

 _When I walked out this morning  
I cried as I walked to the door  
I cried about how long I'd be away for  
I cried about leaving you all alone_

 _I want to hold you  
Protect you from all of the things I've already endured  
I want to show you  
Show you all the things that this life has in store for you  
I'll always love you  
The way that a father should love his daughter_

Jax has been at Tara's house almost every day since she moved out. He still can't believe that Chibs called him demanding he show up at the clubhouse. How many times was he going to call, or more accurately have Tig or Bobby call? He had no intentions of answering the phone no matter how many times it rang. He didn't give one ounce about the club.

Sitting in Tara's living room with the boys both vying for his attention, Charlie across the room at her drawing table. She still was unsure about him, but at lest she didn't run away like the first few times he came over. He smiles as he catches her staring at him.

"What you drawing sweetness?" He asks as he walks over to her.

"Nufin." She says and looks down.

"Can I see?" He kneels down beside her. On the paper is a crayon drawing of a woman, a man, a little girl, two little boys and a dog. "It's beautiful!" He assures her.

"It's mommy, daddy, Tommy, Able and a dog. Daddy says if I'm a really good girl this year Santa might bring me a puppy." She seems to be watching him to gauge his reaction.

He knows he's got to keep it light, that his daughter doesn't need to see that inside he's already shot her "daddy" several time. "He did?! Well I think he has the right idea. Santa does watch us all year long. I bet if you keep being a good girl he will bring something great!"

"A puppy." She corrects him.

He laughs as he hears the muffled sounds of an argument from Tara's front door. He pats Charlie on the head and makes sure the boys are distracted before heading over to see what the arguments about.

"They are my kids too Tara, and I wanna see em." Chibs exalts.

Tara sighs frustrated. It seems the only one moving out helped was Jax. The kids are confused, Chibs is livid she and the kids are gone, and she's under more stress then she thought possible. "I know Filip. I'm not trying to keep them from you, but Jax is with them right now…"

"I don't' give a good god damn about Jax." He says his name full of disgust.

"That's been clear from the moment I set foot back in this hell of a town." Jax says in a controlled voice full of venom as he closes the apartment door behind him. "Is there a problem here?"

"I want to see my kids." Chibs spits back.

"But they're not your kids. They're mine. Mine and Tara, the only reason you had anything to do with them is because I wasn't around. Well your services are no longer needed. It's my family and I'll take it from here." The blonde shoots daggers with his eyes at his old friend.

"The hell you will!"

"Stop!" Tara says with such a voice that both men turn to look at her. "Stop it. I swear to god if the two of you don't grow up I won't let either of you around them! Yes, Jax you were absent from their lives and of course you deserve to be a part of it, but Filip loves them too. They are safe, and cared for, and they love him too."

"And you lass?" Chibs replies.

"Me what?" she responds.

"Do ya love me? You made this choice for our family without even talkin to me. You made the choice to do what was best for him. I keep waiting for you to see how much I care mo grah, but I guess it's out with the new and back in with the old."

"Chibs…" She says and it hurts so much to see him in pain.

"Aye, loud and clear love." He turns to leave Jax and Tara but turns around long enough to say, "You might want to contact your old Irish friends. They seem ta think ya here to get the sons back into guns. Might want to handle that shit before it pops off and you have no back up." He says, and the threat in his voice is clear.

Jax looks at the man that he use to respect and knows he's going to need further clarification on the illegal dealing of the IRA. He hates to admit it but he's going to have to talk Chibs.

Behind them the door open and out runs Charlie, "DADDY!" She practically screams and runs into the waiting arms of the man she knows as father. He picks her up and hugs her so tight. Looking up he sees the sadness in his friends' eyes and knows this situation has no one person who did wrong. It started so long ago and they all did so many things they should have done differently.

Jax hates to admit it, but seeing Charlie light up at the mere sight of Chibs is the happiest he's seen her since they've been introduced. He'd do anything to see that smile on her face and the light in those eyes he sees in that very moment.

 _So I wanted to say this  
Cuz I wouldn't know where to begin  
To explain to you what I have been through  
To explain where your daddy has been_

 _I want to hold you  
Protect you from all of the things I've already endured  
I want to show you  
Show you all the things that this life has in store for you  
I'll always love you  
The way that a father should love his daughter_

He pushes the door farther open and says, "Come in. We clearly need to talk, and the boys would love to see you."

It's simple, it's small, and it's no reflection on how he feels about Chibs. Everything in him still wants to hurts this man for taking all the things he loves most, but it's not about him anymore. It's about his boys, his daughter and he simply can't deny her any happiness.

Lyrics – Zoe Jane by Staind.


	11. Gravity

You guys have no idea how this almost didn't get posted this week.. lol. My friends dog had puppies and then the mom passed and so for the past 14 days I've been getting up every two hours to bottle feed and poop them. I'm exhausted, but on the plus side I've got a new 14 day old boxer/bulldog puppie named Apollo. He's soo fricken cute. The whole litter is just to die for. So we got reiforcements today so I got to sleep and finally some time to write and edit. So from me to you I hope you enjoy.

Disclaimer: I own nothing it is all the property of FX, and Kurt Sutter, the myth, the man, the legend. J

Chapter 11 – Gravity

 _*I was there on the day truth died_ _  
_ _Blood on my hands, throw them up in the sky_ _  
_ _I was a number one sinner no less_ _  
_ _My life was a lie and my wish was a death_ _  
_ _I fell in love with the ways of the world_ _  
_ _Money and the fame, the booze and the girls_ _  
_ _But I couldn't stay faithful if I tried_ _  
_ _I'd turn into a devil you could see it in my eyes_ _  
_ _I blacked out, told you everything I ever did_ _  
_ _I couldn't take all the lies I was living with_ _  
_ _I broke your heart, broke up the next day_ _  
_ _My bags outside yelling get the hell away_ _  
_ _You're not a husband, not a father just a pig_ _  
_ _And you can never change all the things that you did_ _  
_ _That's when I knew it, it wouldn't last_ _  
_ _You'll never get away when you're running from the past_

Last night Jax knew that it was the right decision not to talk about the Irish at Tara's place, but pulling his charger into the Teller Morrow lot with the intent to walk back into the club house and into church, along with what he knew would surely be the rest of club has him rethinking it.

The lot was already filled with a long line of bikes. He knows he's probably the last to arrive. Knows that he's the only one not currently a member that will be in that room, and knows that most of them don't know that he's out. They don't know that he's been out, and left Charming and the club behind.

As he walks inside the clubhouse the men all turn to welcome him. They all assume he just needed to get his head back into the game, and deal with the Tara/Chibs situation. He refuses to be anything but who he is, and this club is his families legacy so he strolls through the bar area with the all the confidence of the prince of charming and into church without knocking.

The men inside all cheer the return of their leader, but Jax keeps it cordial and knows he's getting odd looks from some of the older men, Bobby, Tig, Happy, who see that he's not wearing a kutte. Most of the table glances between Chibs and him not knowing what to do. Jax takes a seat at the side of the room with a few of the prospects that have been allowed in. He nods at Chibs who takes this moment to bring up a new topic.

"As ya can all see boys Jax is back in town, and that's brining up some old wounds with our Irish friends."

All attention turn back to the head of the table.

"Real IRA?" Tig asks.

"Aye. Alvarez did us a solid the other day. Seems they Mayans are catching a lot of heat on the street and the Irish are letting it slip that they think Jackie's here to get us back into gun."

The table is quiet. Except for Jax, "Assuming they let it "slip" as the only warning the clubs getting that it's on their radar. "

"Agreed." Chibs counters, "I think they quite liked the money and relative safety they had last time. Brown's been dealing and mueling but it's at a price. More attention to the traffic from DEA. Irish been getting jumpy for a long time."

"You think they want the sons back in guns?" Jax asks incredulously.

"I do. Alvarez and the Mayans have been good enough, but can't get out the volume we did. Might have to send out a meet to Malone and make sure to set the record straight."

"Connor Malone?" Bobbie questions. "Thought he disappeared with Galen?"

"Last I heard from Stockton, after O'shay, Connor stepped up to run state side." Jax offered.

"How you wanna handle this?" Tig asks.

"I'm thinking we keep it simple. Me and Jax meet with Malone explain the situation."

"Look, I know you want to keep it all kosher here, but I'm not going on any type of meet and greet with Malone." Jax says. The entirety of the table turns to him. He's always been one to question authority, even the club president, but this is direct defiance.

Chibs want to scream at his bullheaded brother but knows it's the wrong approach, "I'm sure ya don't but I doubt very much he's going to believe the truth, the whole truth," he says pointedly at Jax "without hearing it all from you."

The have a heated staring match and the table looks on uncomfortably, unsure of what exactly is transpiring. "Fine. One meet. That's it."

"Juicy find me a contact number for Connor."

"I'll help him." Tig adds.

After that the gavel is slammed and the room clears Jax is out the door before anyone. When he's almost at his car he hear footsteps behind him. He turns to find Bobby close on his heels.

'You'll never know how good it is to see you back in that room brother." Bobby says. "Must be a big change being on the outside again."

Jax has no response. He pulls out a cigarette. He hasn't smoked in years but he's picked up the bad habit again since being back in charming.

Bobby accepts the offer and lights up his own. The two lean against Jax's car and smoke. It's getting late and the clubhouse if filling up with crow eaters and loud music. Some things never change.

"I don't know Bobby." Jax says, "I can't stand to be in the same room as that son of a bitch."

"Tara?" is the only response.

"Of course."

"It takes a lot to deal with a spouse on the inside for any amount of time, but 10 years, that's a whole other ball game." Jax looks at him. "I'm not saying it right brother, but a whole world evolved outside those bars. Don't do anything to get yourself put back behind them."

Jax wants to tell Bobby everything. That he got out, that he didn't know Tara was pregnant, but he knows it will sound like he's throwing himself a pity party after he put himself in this situation. He wants to tell him that he's not a member of this club anymore. However the only two people left alive in his life that he respected had been Chibs, and Bobby. He knows right now Bobby is all he has left and he doesn't want to ruin it.

He watches as Bobby puts out his cigarette and walk back inside. He leans against his car for another few minutes and watches the festivities when Chibs walks up from the garage.

"You are welcome to join?"

"You didn't tell anyone that I've been out?"

"Nah. Not my place. Your story is yours to tell." He pats Jax on the shoulder and head into the clubhouse. Jax puts out his cigarette and gets into his car and drives off the lot.

 _And we fly..._ _  
_ _Fly into outer space_ _  
_ _I float away but you're my gravity_ _  
_ _Die to love another day_ _  
_ _We rise again and lose our gravity_

Two days ago when he'd agreed to this damn meet with IRA he'd forgotten how not simple these meets were. He's been standing in the clubhouse for what seems like forever while the guys set up where they will be. The small meeting between Jax, Chibs, and Malone of course won't just be the three. The Irish will have their men and coverage and thus so will the Sons. He knows it's been a long time for the club and the excitement from the men involved is palpable. They all have their instructions and their weapons and even Happy actually seems happy today. There is after all a small chance he might get to kill someone and add another happy face tattoo. It's been a while and Jax knows he must be itching for some illegal activity.

"Jax," Juice approaches. "I've been meaning to talk to you. It's good to have you back, and I wanted to tell you about this guy, a friend that I think might be a good prospect. I know we haven't had a lot of new members, but he's definitely a guy you want in your arsenal."

A confused Jax responds, "Do I look like your president?" he laughs it off.

"I mean we all just assumed when you got out…" he trails off

"Don't assume Juice. I'm not the president, I'm not even a office holder."

"But you, I mean, it's the Sons Jax."

"I'm aware man, but things have changed." Jax says vaguely. It's not public knowledge that he's no longer part of the club, and he's not itching for that conversation, though he knows it's coming, he also knows it won't end in hugs and puppies.

"Lock and load my brothers." Tigs yells. All around Jax the men pull out and check their weapons, then replace them back in their respective hiding spots.

Jax pulls out his .38 and checks to make sure it all sets. He tucks it back into the back of his jeans before covering it with his hoodie. As everyone gets on their bikes and the roar of motorcycle engines begins to leave the lot he can see the weary glances from some of the clubs members. He's not going on a bike, and he's not wearing a kutte. He knows many of them will rationalize that not wearing his leather is to throw off Malone. Still it's not the only time, of the very few instances he's been in the clubhouse since he's been back that he's not been wearing it.

As he turns to get in his car and follow the club he's stopped by Happy, "Jax…" says the man who usually says so little, "thought your might need these." He tosses Jax a set of keys, a kutte and a semi automatic weapon.

Jax catches all three. He takes the gun and sets it in his back set before tossing the rest back to Hap. "Think I got all I need. Thanks."

He watches the tall, bald man in his rear view as he pulls out of the lot. He's pretty sure the keys were for one of the extra bikes the club always kept around. He knows the mans expression is stoic as always, but he feels like he can literally feel the anger coming from Happy. He's just refused his clubs rocker and bike, and he knows it won't be long before there will be hell to pay.

 _I'm a broken man, I'm full of sin_ _  
_ _I'm sick of all this hell that I'm livin' in_ _  
_ _I can't escape it – this is how it feels_ _  
_ _When you try to numb the pain with a thousand pills_ _  
_ _You tore me down and wished that I was dead_ _  
_ _Said you wanna sleep alone in another bed_ _  
_ _But when I push you away, you only pull me closer_ _  
_ _It's only over when we both wanna say it's over_ _  
_ _I gotta change – this is not who I am_ _  
_ _I wanna start over, wanna try this again_ _  
_ _You're everything I need, everything I'm not_ _  
_ _So pull the trigger give me one more shot_

The IRA meet and greet ends the only way it can with the Irish, in bullets. Connor has his own ideas about what he wants to work with SAMCRO. Words were exchanged, guns were pulled and bullets reigned. He knows killing at least a few of their men means Irish retaliation, and hitting Chibs doesn't sit well with the club.

One of the prospects rides Chibs bikes back to TM while Chibs rides in the van with other. The guys all follows back to the clubhouse, Jax as well in his car. He parks and before he's even out the door he sees Tara running from inside as they pull Chibs from the van. He's not conscious and appears to still be losing a large amount of blood despite the pressure being applied.

He watches her follow the prospects inside, no doubt to use those medical skills she's had to leave behind. Just one more thing he knows she's lost because of him. He want to leave, to avoid what he knows is coming. Malone had dropped the bomb that Jax hasn't been in prison in years.

"It's been 7 years since your release from Stockton and since you been in Charming, so it begs the question Why? Why come back now? Why go away at all, unless to build something bigger and better then you've had before, to build a pipeline to Oregon. Isn't that where you've been all this time? Oregon? "

Not long after that is when the gunplay began so he hasn't had to answer for that, but he can't bring himself to leave until he knows Chibs is ok. It would kill Charlie if something happened to him so he has to know.

He's still outside smoking, yet another pack down. He's crushed the empty package. One turned to two, and now two packs down he can almost forget he ever stopped smoking. As much as it frustrates him he knows he'll stop and buy another pack on the way one. Fucking Charming.

He's leaning on the hood of the car staring at the roof of the clubhouse. Part of him wants to climb up there, look out over the city of Charming. He can almost hear Opie "I got this." He knows he's never been the same since losing his best friend. It wrong on so many levels to know that Donna and Opie are gone, that his kids are being raised by Lyla. Kenny must be 17 or 18 by now and Ellie 16 or 17. He makes himself a promise that he'll go see them all before he leaves.

His quiet reflecting is cut short though by a violent shove off of the hood by Happy. "What the fuck is he talking about man!" He stalks towards a shocked Jax followed closely by Tig, Juice and Bobby.

Bobby, though half Hap's size stand between the two as he realizes that Jax isn't backing down.

"What the fuck man!?" Jax says.

"Woah, calm down Happy. Let's just take a second and talk about this" Bobby, as always attempting to be the voice of reason.

"My pres is in there getting a bullet pulled out of his chest! What is Malone talking about?" Happy yells. It's the most syllables that Jax has heard from him at one time since he's met him.

"Jax?" Bobby says.

"He's Lying. He's gotta be lying. Jax would never …" Juice offers but is cut short.

"It's true." Jax says. All the men quiet and stare in his direction. "Lowen got me out after 2 years. I needed to change something. I needed to change me, so when I got out I left Charming and the Sons behind me. I moved to Oregon, that's where I've been the last 7 year."

"Son of a bitch." Tig says and moves towards him. Bobby doesn't make any move to get between the men now and Tig's fist connects with Jax's jaw. Once, only once before Jax has already taken control of the fight and pinned the man to back of his car. The two are yelling and struggling and Tig pulls his gun as Juice tries to pull them apart.

"Get out." The words are said with such a command of authority that the two men stop. All eyes turn to Bobby. Still standing in the same spot he opens the door to Jax's car and says, "You turn down the keys to a bike, you turn down your leather, and now our President, the one who didn't run from this club needs the support of his brother. His family."

Jax lets Tig go, and he walks toward the open door. "Bobby…"

"Your father may have wanted something different from this club then what it became, but it's always been one thing he did intend. A family… of which you are no longer a member. He would be so disappointed in you Jackson. There are better ways to leave behind your family then to hide from them. So now you don't have to hide. You are no longer welcome on this lot. Get out."

Jax starts his car and drives off the lot. He never meant to hurt anyone, but that's exactly what he's done. He knows that he'll be buying a lot more then just cigarettes tonight. He needs something to dull the pain and give him just a few minutes of solace from all the fucked up things going on in his life.

 _I'm a broken man, I'm full of sin_ _  
_ _I'm sick of all this hell that I'm livin' in_ _  
_ _I can't escape it – this is how it feels_ _  
_ _When you try to numb the pain with a thousand pills_ _  
_ _You tore me down and wished that I was dead_ _  
_ _Said you wanna sleep alone in another bed_ _  
_ _But when I push you away, you only pull me closer_ _  
_ _It's only over when we both wanna say it's over_ _  
_ _I gotta change – this is not who I am_ _  
_ _I wanna start over, wanna try this again_ _  
_ _You're everything I need, everything I'm not_ _  
_ _So pull the trigger give me one more shot_

It's almost 3 am when a knock on his door wakes Jax from his sleep. Opting to lay off the alcohol and avoid a wicked hangover he'd decided on some purple kush to help dull the ache. The knocking continues and he gets up off the couch where he's been sleeping. He looks through the peephole to see Tara.

He open the door but before he invites her in she pushes past him, "What the hell Jackson!? Please tell me you didn't have anything to do with what happened to Filip"

"Does it even matter what I say?" He responds still feeling the high from smoking and tired of it all.

"Of course it does! "

There's a moment of silence as the two stand there, Tara taking in the room and Jax taking in Tara.

"Is he going to be ok?" He asks.

"Yes. He'll be fine. Shoulder shot, got out the bullet. He's gonna be in a shit load of pain but he'll heal." She says. "What happened tonight Jax?"

He sits down on the sofa, "IRA thinks I'm here to get the Sons back into gun, or WANTS them back in guns. Didn't take too kindly to the club declining his muling offer. He didn't respect that I'm not in the club and Chibs is president. Refused to talk any business with him and pulled his gun. Shot Chibs and I think you can imagine the rest."

Tara, who has been standing walks over to the sofa and picks up the pipe off the coffee table. She holds a lighter to the small ball on the end and inhales the smoke. She exhales and tokes up again before offering the pipe to Jax who declines. She takes a third hard hit then puts it down and leans back on the sofa.

"Sometimes I want to just wake up tomorrow and be back in high school." She says as she closes her eyes. "I mean my dad was an ass but I thought I knew what my whole life was going to be."

"Tell me." He says.

She opens one eye to look at him then closes it again. "Easy. I was going to graduate from Charming High as valedictorian, go to some prestigious medical school, get my medical degree, and become a surgeon, a pediatric surgeon. Help tiny people. Save lives. Marry you, maybe have a kid or two and live in New York City. I was gonna work at a hospital and you were going to own a bar."

He smiles at her. She's so beautiful and he's so angry with her, so hurt by her love for Chibs but she's still Tara. He doesn't know how she's going to handle it if he continues with his petition for custody. "I was going to own a bar huh?"

"Yep and we were gonna have a nice size loft apt that had room for us and our kids and an extra room for Gemma and Clay to visit. That is until I got promoted to Chief of Surgery and then we'd buy a house in the suburbs."

"Sounds nice." He watches as she opens her eyes.

"Never did I imagine that this would be my life. An old lady, but not an old lady. In the middle of a custody battle with you over our kids that I never wanted to NOT be a part of your life. Worrying about the man I'm in a relationship with because he's been shot in a meeting with real IRA and sitting here getting high with the man who abandoned me."

There is a silence that's heavy in the air. He doesn't want to think that what he did was abandon them, doesn't want to think that he hid from the cub. Part of him knows though that, that is exactly what he did. He didn't come back as soon as he should have at lest to her and his family. Now she's in love with another man and his club is no doubt going to hold a mayhem vote, so Tara may have nothing to worry about with custody.

"You want to hear something crazy?" She laughs.

"Sure."

"As bad as today was. As angry as I was and scared for Filip, I was also was thrilled at the high it gave me. Can't even compare to this." She motions toward the pipe. "I got to remove a bullet from a mans shoulder. I used surgical tool. I cleaned the area, and used sutures. I was almost happy someone got hurt." She stands to leave. "How fucked up am I?"

She takes a step but begins to falter. Jax gets up, "I don't think you're in any condition to drive."

"Me neither." She says. "You got any fruity pebbles?" She goes to check the pantry and Jax gets some sheets and blanket from the linen closet and makes up the couch for Tara. "Is that for me?" She says as she comes back with a bowl of what looks like the captn crunch he just bought.

"Yes it's for you."

She sits down on the newly made up couch and he sits in the chair. "Just give Bobby and rest of the guys some time." He looks up at her questioning. "I saw the whole thing. You gotta know they're just hurt Jax. Give them some time." She yawns and sets her empty bowl on the coffee table. She lays down on the cough and covers herself with the blanket.

Before Jax can say anything else she's asleep. He takes her bowl into the kitchen and puts it in the sink. He calls the prospect that's with the kids and asks him to stay the night. Walking past the couch on the way to his room Tara sits up, "I didn't let go of you easily. I fought for you. I didn't just throw you away and move on over night. I'm sorry."

She lays back down and in only seconds Jax can hear the change in the rhythm of her breath. He walks into his room and closes the door. She offered an apology, but all he can hear is her saying she didn't let go of him easily, because all that means is that she let him go.

She let him go.

 _And we fly..._ _  
_ _Fly into outer space_ _  
_ _I float away but you're my gravity_ _  
_ _Die to love another day_ _  
_ _We rise again and lose our gravity_ __

 _And we fly..._ _  
_ _Fly into outer space_ _  
_ _I float away but you're my gravity_ _  
_ _Die to love another day_ _  
_ _We rise again and lose our gravity_

*Lyrics from Gravity by Papa Roach


	12. Burning in the Skies

Hello, hello! I'm sorry I missed posting last week, but these adorable puppies are tiring me out and I'm not even the one taking care of them 24 hours a day! I know, I know, I'm complaining, but I do love every single second of it!

I hope you all like this chapter, I've loved all the responses I've been getting. Feedback and opinios are things I love! So please keep them coming!

Disclaimer: All of this belong to FX and Kurt Sutter (that amazing bastard) who destroyed me with every episode and is getting reading to do it again with The Bastard Executioner

Chapter 12 – Burning In The Skies

 _*I used the deadwood to make the fire rise_ _  
_ _The blood of innocence burning in the skies_ _  
_ _I filled my cup with the rising of the sea_ _  
_ _And poured it out in an ocean of debris_ __

 _I'm swimming in the smoke_ _  
_ _Of bridges I have burned_ _  
_ _So don't apologize_ _  
_ _I'm losing what I don't deserve_ _  
_ _What I don't deserve_

The day starts like any other day in idyllic Charming California. Jax rolls out of bed around 10am, sun streaming through the open blinds nearly blinding him, his phone vibrates on the dresser across the room. Next door the distance a dog barks, and a lawn mower is heard. It's the day he's been waiting for… the day his attorney has told him to be ready to bring his kids home, all of his kids. Little does he know that a day so normal in it beginnings would bring Jackson Teller, former President of SAMCRO, prince and king of Charming to his knees.

Dragging his feet across the carpeted floor of his room he answers the phone.

"Teller."

"Good morning Jax" Lowen says. "Did I wake you?"

"Nope. I'm up." He rubs the stubble that's still in tact on his chin. He was clean-shaven when he arrived in Charming, in fact he's been clean-shaven every day since he was incarcerated and now he kinds of likes the stubble on his chin. "Got an update for me?"

"I do. The judge has granted the temporary full custody order in your favor. Seems you've demonstrated the ability to care for the minor children in greater capacity then the current custodian." She adds with a laugh, "Will wonders never cease."

Jax laughs as well, a small chuckle, "I keep expecting to see a pig fly by."

"You sure about all this Jax?"

He's not, but it's too late for that. "Not sure it really matters at this point. Where do we go from here?"

Lowen, as usual gets right to the details, "Well we have several options. First we can call the family court and have a child social services worker along with a few officers of the law serve Tara and remove the children."

"And second.." He pushes, very sure that's something he doesn't want to do.

"Second if you and Tara can come to some agreement of where and when to meet with the children to exchange custody you would them be escorted by your attorney and one court appointed civil servant to assure the transfer of the minors is completed. If you choose option 2 I can serve her in the next hour."

Jax thinks briefly about stopping all of this. Yesterday Tara slept on his sofa. How the fuck was he going to take her children away today? He runs his hands through his hair, which desperately needs to be washed, and takes a deep breath.

"Jax?" She urges.

"Give me 24 hours. Let me talk to Tara, maybe we can figure something out."

"I can give you 24 hours to decide the transfer, but like it or not her attorney will provide her with the courts decision today."

"Fuck. Then I guess I've got my work cut out for me don't I?" He hangs up the phone and immediately dials Tara.

It rings only once before she answer, "I can't believe you have balls big enough to call me!"

"Tara…"

"Don't Tara me. Jesus Christ Jax you took custody of the kids!? Charlie hasn't even spent one full day alone with you! I thought we were working this out. I thought we would come to some mutual decision. But what I'm learning is apparently your default is chicken shit, and you went behind my back and to a JUDGE to show how YOU are the better parent then ME!"

Jax just sits on the phone and lets her yell. "You done?" He says when there's a pause.

"Not even close. I can't believe I've been sitting her day and after day struggling with this, trying to figure out my heart, that I actually moved out of my home and hurt Filip over a past I had with you!"

"I'm sorry. I started all this before I even knew about Charlie, and before I knew that you wouldn't keep them from me."

"That's bullshit Jax. It's always some excuse, always some outside source when the reality is, YOU wanted your kids away from me and Filip. That is how you think of them… YOUR children. Well screw you Jackson. I will fight you tooth and nail, and don't think I won't pull out the big guns. I know things too Jax, things I've never told another living soul."

"TARA!" He yells into the phone. When the answer is silence he says, "Fine. I'll admit it. I want our kids. I want to learn who they are, and I want them to know me, and yes, I did it all behind your back. In my defense I didn't know you would allow me to know them." When there's still silence he continues. "Meet me tonight, around 6 at TM? Let's talk."

It's a long time before Tara responds, "There's nothing to talk about. My attorney says I have to relinquish custody to you and then appeal the courts decision. See, I now have to prove that I'm a good mother to a complete stranger."

She's quiet a long time before he says, "Tara…" there's sadness in his voice.

"I'll bring the kids and some of their belongings to TM at 6." She pauses briefly, "Goodbye Jax."

She hangs up the phone and he's surprised that after all the events of the past month his heart can break anymore.

He walks into the two rooms; one the boys will share and other will be Charlie's. There is some small amount of joy in knowing the kids will be here. They can decorate their room anyway they want. In his mind he's already picking out pink curtains and racecar beds.

Jax has spent the morning clearing out the two rooms and making sure there's room for the kids. Gemma's room is more then big enough for two boys. He's called Juice who was more than happy to come help and bring along a few of the prospects to help. Gemma's room is now completely empty.

Juice comes back inside from the garage where he's storing all the furniture that was in there. "Everyting ok Jax?"

Jax leans in and hugs the smaller man who hugs him back. "I appreciate all your help today. Hell, I appreciate that's you're still talking to me."

"I get it. We're all looking for that place we fit in. You and Tara, you always fit."

"Like oil and water." He laughs.

Juice laughs back, "Thing is Jax, you were always trying to be something you weren't just for Tara." Jax looks at Juice surprised at the mans words, "I know it's not my place, but she's known who and what you are since you were 16 years old."

"Things change with kids." Jax replies

"Kids need their parents to be their true selves. How else are they going to learn that it's ok to be whoever they are?" There a knock on the wall and both men turn to a prospect who nods his head at Juice. "Got you two twin beds to put in here."

Jax looks at Juice in surprise as the prospects bring in the beds and put them together.

"You may have left us behind, but you will always be a brother to me." Juice says as he and the prospects leave. Turning one last time he adds, "If you could, maybe, not mention to Chibs that we were here, that would be great."

Jax laughs and nods his head. With time to kill he checks out the newly furnished rooms. He knows they will need bedding, but decides that after Tara drops them off he'll take them shopping and let them choose. Looking at the clock, there's still time to kill so he walks into the garage and starts working on the bike. It's been almost a month and he's taken it apart, fixed it, and put it back together. The reaper shining like an angel in the work light.

All that's left now is to add some fuel and see if it works. He puts it in neutral, turns the key and presses the ignition button. The beast before him roars to life. Smiling he wipes his hands on his already greasy t-shirt and worn through boots. He tests the throttle and feels like he seeing an old friend for the first time. Nothing, except Tara ever gave him the feeling of completeness like being on his bike thundering down an open road.

Noticing the time he reluctantly switches the bike off and runs inside to change. He takes a quick glance at his phone, about a dozen missed calls, all from Chibs. He tosses the phone aside. No time to hear what he's sure are many, many, profanities. He'll deal with all that once he's at garage.

He locks the house up and pulls his car out. The sounds around him seem amplified because he's so nervous. Can that dog still be barking next door? The smells of sprinklers watering freshly cut lawn. Children playing hopscotch, the sound of police and fire sirens blaring past causing the barking dog to start howling.

He's too nervous and rolls up his windows and starts blasting music to calm himself.

 _We held our breath when the clouds began to form_ _  
_ _But you were lost in the beating of the storm_ _  
_ _And in the end we were made to be apart_ _  
_ _In separate chambers of the human heart_ __

 _I'm swimming in the smoke_ _  
_ _Of bridges I have burned_ _  
_ _So don't apologize_ _  
_ _I'm losing what I don't deserve_

He's passes through several stop light, slows for children crossing and pulls to the side for more emergency vehicles to pass. This ride is taking a toll on his sanity. He knows he's going to be face to face with Tara, with his brothers, and with his children. He wonders what they will think of him. Will they hate him for this?

He pulls into the deserted lot. The cars and bikes that usually fill the lot are all gone at this time of night. Only two bikes remain. Bobby's, and Chibs. With Tara's cutlass no where in sight, he's going to have to deal with them first.

He's out of his car and stand only seconds before he feels the slam of a fist against his nose. Probably now broken, it's crooked and gushing blood. He stands again to face the assailant.

"Where the fuck have you been!"

Jax tries to speak through the blood but he's interrupted.

"I've been calling you for the last 15 fucking minutes. Do ya not have the good god damn common sense to pick up?!"

Jax can't even must the energy to fight tonight, "What the fuck do you want from me man?"

The scots phone rings and he answers in a rush suddenly ignoring Jax and walks away. Bobby hands Jax a rag for his nose.

"You might want to sit down." He says.

The tone of Bobby's voice is not one he's heard since the day Bobby sat him down to tell him JT had been in an accident.

He looks up at the older man quickly, his pain forgotten, "What's wrong?"

"The Irish. Didn't like your response to the meeting the other day. They have been trying to get at the club. Want to make us hurt."

"Jesus Christ Bobby, what happened?"

"Let's go!" Chibs enters the conversation. Pulling on Jax's arm along with him.

Jax pull his arm out of the other man's grasp. "I'm not going anywhere till someone tells me what's going on!"

"Tara."

It's only one word, two syllables. And two men who love her.

Jax doesn't know how he and Filip arrive at the hospital at the same time. The bike should have been much faster. Parking, both men make their way frantically into the emergency room at St. Thomas Hospital.

The front desk attendant can't tell much. But what she can tell them makes Jax fall to his knees and Chibs hang his head in tears.

Tara Knowles is in surgery and the kids are all in critical care, unconscious.

Tonight no one would be going home.

 _It's in the blackened bones_ _  
_ _Of bridges I have burned_ _  
_ _So don't apologize_ _  
_ _I'm losing what I don't deserve_ _  
_ _What I don't deserve_ __

 _I'm swimming in the smoke_ _  
_ _Of bridges I have burned_ _  
_ _So don't apologize_ _  
_ _I'm losing what I don't deserve_ __

 _The blame is mine alone_ _  
_ _For bridges I have burned_ _  
_ _So don't apologize_ _  
_ _I'm losing what I don't deserve_ __

 _What I don't deserve_ _  
_ _What I don't deserve_ _  
_ _What I don't deserve_ __

 _And here's the dead wood to make the fire rise_ _  
_ _The blood of innocence burning in the skies_

*Lyrics: Burning In The Skies by Linkin Park


	13. The Scientist

Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you to everyone that is still reading and reviewing. I so appreciate you. My life is not exactly been he easiest lately and losing myself in writing this story, and reading your comments and reading other fanfic has been keeping me sane. So please don't underestimate that you contribute to my everyday. I appreciate you. Hope you enjoy this newest update.

Disclaimer: I own nothing. Sadly none of this belongs to me. Happlily it all belongs to the amazing Kurt Sutter and FX.

Question: I'm behind on my TV viewing, have any of you seen TBX and what do you think of it?

Chapter 13 – The Scientist

 _*Come up to meet you  
Tell you I'm sorry  
You don't know how lovely you are  
I had to find you  
Tell you I need you  
Tell you I set you apart_

 _Tell me your secrets  
And ask me your questions  
Oh let's go back to the start  
Running in circles; coming up tails  
Heads on a science apart_

It's been a full 48 hours of the worst nightmare of his life. His wife is unconscious after emergency surgery. Tara had been in surgery for a full 8 hours before they had been provided any updates. A full 8 hours of life saving efforts. Her spleen removed, internal bleed stopped and a burr hole drilled in her head to make room for the brain swelling that now threatened her life. She'd been thrown through the front window of the mom SUV she drives when she has the kids with her.

All that, and a broken leg have left Tara Knowles-Teller in the hospital. 48 hours of silent prayers by her bedside have left both of the men in her life at a silent reprieve. They have agreed upon a silent schedule of one staying with her and the other going to the kids' rooms. Able and Thomas are awake, and sore and missing their mom, so all tears are put away for the few hours they spend with them. Charlie however is another story. The doctors have said that she's in a coma. For reasons unknown she just hasn't woken up. Of the three children she was by far the lest physically hurt, very few bruises, and no broken bones. The boys have tons of bruising and a few broken bones and fingers, but other than the fact that she won't wake up, you would have no idea anything was wrong with the fair haired little girl.

Jax walks back into Tara's room. She looks so small, and weak, and he hates that Chibs is holding her hand, but there's no room for bickering. She's strong, she's a fighter, but she doesn't need to hear the two of them still at each other throats.

He clears his throats and the other man looks back. "The boys are asking for you." He says.

Filip kisses Tara's hand and stand up. "Changing of the guards." He smiles and pats Jax on the back.

"Thomas…" Jax says and Chibs turns to face him. "He says that his favorite book, is One Fish, Two Fish, Red Fish, Blue Fish. Says you read it to him every day." There's still silence as Chibs only nobs. "We read that book today, three times already but he says you do the voices better."

"It's the accent, but I told 'em both I don't have an accent."

"Thank you." Jax says as he turns away from the man and takes Tara's hand. "Thank you for loving them and taking care of them when I didn't."

The scot has so much he wants to says, but now is not the time. "It's hard not to love them."

"It is." Is the only response Jax can give. It's silence for a moment more and when he turns the man behind him is gone. The room is deafeningly silent save for the beeping of the machines.

He pulls the chair closer to her bedside and holds her hand so gently, as if he's afraid she might break. She doesn't, and he wonders how he ever was so stupid to leave this woman behind. She would have been his partner, his best friend, and she would have been more then glad to help build the life for their family.

 _Nobody said it was easy  
It's such a shame for us to part  
Nobody said it was easy  
No one ever said it would be this hard  
Oh take me back to the start_

 _I was just guessing at numbers and figures  
Pulling your puzzles apart  
Questions of science; science and progress  
Do not speak as loud as my heart_

He strokes the hand of the only woman he has ever truly loved. "I use to think about where I went wrong. Which of my boneheaded moves was the one where I went too far. Which one was where I became someone I didn't even know. I think, among the many, one of the biggest is the day that I let you think you had a man you needed to change in order to love. I mean I pretty much had fixer upper written on me. You tried so hard to make a better boy of out me. Pushing me all through high school, hell you even left me behind and made this amazing life for yourself. You didn't need me and all my fucked up mommy baggage."

"But from the day I saw you back in Charming, right here at this very hospital, taking such good care of a kid that wasn't yours, just because that's who you are, and because he was mine, I knew I could never live up to these unrealistic ideals you had for me. The thing is, I didn't care. I have never in my entire life loved anyone the way I actively love you so I wanted to be that man. I wanted to reach those ideals you had set for me. I think the problem is, Tara, I wasn't that boy. I'm a fuck up. But I'm a fuck up that loves you. I use to think it was all about SAMCRO, but I left and here you are, happily embedded in the SONS hierarchy. Maybe I'll never be the man that fits those ideal, maybe one day I will, but I think the problem all along was that I'm just not the man, for you."

He lays his head on her hand and knows he's drifting off. 48 hours without sleep has finally taken it control of his body and he can't do a damn thing to stop it.

He's not sure how long he's been out, but when he looks up he's sure he's dreaming because Tara's beautiful green eyes are staring down at him. She still out of it, unsure of what's going on, she speaks, "Filip…"

The gravel in her voice shows that's it been days since she's spoken. He smiles so large it could blind anyone watching. Without a thought he pulls out his phone, still holding her hand he call Chibs cell.

 _Tell me you love me  
Come back and haunt me  
Oh and I rush to the start  
Running in circles, chasing our tails  
Coming back as we are_

 _Nobody said it was easy  
Oh it's such a shame for us to part  
Nobody said it was easy  
No one ever said it would be so hard  
I'm going back to the start_

He's been sitting beside Charlie for almost an hour, nearly losing his mind. After Tara woke up and asked for Chibs, the doctors rushed in along with him and Jax excused himself from the already crowded room. He did a quick check on the boys and then settled himself next to his little girl.

Sitting here, holding her hand it's almost the mirror image of where he was minutes before, only smaller. "Daddy's right here now, and I'm not going anywhere you won't be able know me ever again. I'll give you everything you need, anything you want. I'll get you a puppy, just please wake up." He's in tears. He's lost Tara he will not lose his daughter, he can't.

"Jax."

"How's Tara?" He asks Chibs as he clears his eyes.

"She's gonna be ok. Knows where she is, who the president is, and what two plus two is. Doctors says she's gonna be right as rain."

"That's great. She know what happened?"

"Aye, the prospects are taking her to see the boys and then here."

"I'll clear out." He says and stands.

"Ya don't have to do that brother." Chibs says sincerely.

"I have to do something. We have to do something. What the fuck happened out there?" He says feeling helpless and wanting something violent to do with his hands. Since he can't heal his children and Tara he wants desperately to hurt something, or someone.

"Tara says a blue SUV, blacked out windows ran them off the road."

"One9ers?"

"Not likely. The 9ers never have learned the art of subtly. More in line with current Irish practices, those chicken shit bastards hiding. More then likely it's retaliation for the meet. Bobby's sitting on Malone…"

Chibs knows he said more then he should as the wild eyed man in front of him is out of the room and down the hall before he can follow, but follow he does as he calls Bobby to fill him in. When there's no answer he calls Juice, Tig, Happy, and WW, and tells them to meet immediately at Jax's.

He arrives to find the men all sitting on their bikes in the drive.

"He still here?" He asks Tig as he turns off his own bike.

"Yeah, been in there about 10 minutes. Won't answer the door or the phone. What are we doing here pres?"

"Keep an eye on the back, make sure he hasn't gone after Connor on his own."

"Will do boss." Tig calls Wicked Willie to follow him and they move to the back of the house.

Chibs knocks on the door, not wanting to do any damage and break it down. It's another 5 minutes before he hears movement inside. He knocks again, and to his left he hears the garage door open. Inside he sees Jax, newly showered, hair slicked back, clean jean, and white t and Nike's. A reaper Kutte gracing his shoulders he turns the keys on the restored bike and pulls out.

"And where do you think your going?"

"I'm going to kill the son of a bitch that tried to run Tara and the kids off the road. I assume you're here to help?" He looks at the men before him. Stoic faces all around, except for a small smile he thinks he sees from Happy.

"Thought you'd never ask brother." Chibs pats his shoulder and goes back to his bike just as Tig and WW come into view.

They spy Jax on his bike. He straps on his helmet and looks at them, "You two pussy's gonna just stand there or you gonna make sure this bastard pays?"

Both men immediately hop on their bikes. Standing side-by-side, Jax nods for Chibs to pull out first. In return the man shakes his head and both Jax and Chibs pull out together as the merry band of the Sons of Anarchy falls into line behind them filling up the streets with a sound that's been too long gone… the sound of vengeance.

 _Nobody said it was easy_ _  
_ _It's such a shame for us to part_ _  
_ _Nobody said it was easy_ _  
_ _No one ever said it would be this hard_ _  
_ _Oh take me back to the start_

Tara assumes that she'll see Jax when she gets to Charlie's room. Her poor little boys didn't want to let her go. Thomas most of all held on to her neck for dear life. Able, trying his best not to act like a little boy anymore kept saying he was fine, but she could see him watching Thomas's every move, and making sure that he and his brother were never more then two inches from each other, and her.

It's hard to tell them goodnight. The sun is setting and it's time for their meds and she needs to see her daughter. The orderly checks her blood pressure, only slightly elevated, before he wheels her into the CCU.

She surprised, although only momentarily, that neither Chibs or Jax is here. That however is only fleeting as she sees her little girl lying in that bed, tubes in her small body, and machines feeding her. The prospect assigned to her fills her in on Charlie's status.

It's all too much. She can't stop the tears from falling as the touches the littlest Teller's forehead. "Mommy's here baby." She strokes her cheek.

"Where's Jax?" she asks " and Filip?"

"Not sure, they ran out of here about 15 minutes ago." He says.

She's never wanted to part of the SAMRO violence. She's always tried to change Jax and get him away it all. She only came back to Charming and the club after she tried to live a different life, realizing there was violence everywhere. But right now, as she watches her amazing baby lie in a hospital bed unconscious she prays with everything she has the Jax and Chibs are on their way to kill the men did this.

She prays they will make them pay, and they wont make it quick.

* Lyrics are The Scientist by Coldplay


	14. Fuel

Hello! Hello! It's been too long and for that I'm sorry. I won't go into all the details of what's going on in my life right now, but I will say that if anyone reading this feel like they are alone or has no one, please don't hesitate to read out and say hello to me and I'll write back. We are all a community here reading and writing these fanfics for the shows we love. Don't every give up and you are not alone.

Enough of the drama right. I'm only one chapter ahead in writing but I'm trying to correct that ASAP so I can post more often again. Thanks for the reviews and for simply taking the time to read what's stuck in my head. I appreciate it and I hope you enjoy!

Disclaimer: I own nothing. SOA and all their rights belong to FX and Kurt Sutter.

Chapter 14 – Fuel

 _*Gimme fuel_ _  
_ _Gimme fire_ _  
_ _Gimme that which I desire_ _  
_ _Ooh!_ __

 _Yeah!_ _  
_ _Turn on... I see red_ _  
_ _Adrenaline crash and crack my head_ _  
_ _Nitro junkie, paint me dead_ _  
_ _And I see red_ _  
_

The roar of Harley's fills the main street of Charming for the first time in years rattling windows and shaking the bones of its citizens. They come to a stop just outside the main drag when the new Sheriff waves them down.

They slow, but don't turn off their engines. The hum is like a swarm of bees in the otherwise silent evening.

"Filip." She says as she approaches the two men riding lead.

"Sheriff." He replies.

"Where you lovely boys heading off to?"

"Aye, just out for a ride lass." Chibs says, but Jax senses tension different then just the good cop/outlaw.

She moves from Chibs, to stand if front of Jax. "Jax Teller I presume. Come home to the roost I see."

"And you are?" He question defensively not daring to break eye contact with her.

"Sheriff Althea Jarry. I took over after Roosevelt quit. Seems there was some incident involving your mother."

"Your point Sheriff?" he says heated.

"I heard she died in jail. I'm so sorry for your loss. That's all three parent's isn't it?" She smiles.

Some things never change. Her smile reminds him of Stahl. "You can count? I'm impressed. Usually women who look like you are working a different kind of stick." He says as she has her baton in her hand.

"Come on Althea, we just needed some air." Chibs interrupts and it doesn't pass Jax that he just called her by her first name.

"I head there was an accident." She comments as she walks back to Chibs, putting her baton back in her belt. "Is Tara going to be ok?"

There's something in way she says Tara's name that reminds him of Ima, or any of the other girl who realized that they couldn't win what they thought was a fight for their man. There was never anything to fight for though, they may have fucked him but his heart always belonged to Tara and he knows then, that this women was at some point in the past involved with Chibs, and he chose Tara too.

"She'll be just fine."

"It's a beautiful, quiet night Filip." She nods at Jax, "Let's keep it that way."

Stepping away she allows the brigade to pass. Jax conceded lead to Chibs since he doesn't know where Bobby is at, just that he's watching Malone.

The guys fall in behind and Chibs leads them out to a bar in Modesto called The Kilt. The Irish run the bar and the Shamrock Motorcycle Club bikes dominate the outside. Several members come and go, and in the shadows the Sons watch.

"Malone's been inside for a few hours." Bobby updates them. He can't hide his smile at Jax amongst the men. "See someone's come to their fucking senses." He adds.

Jax wants to storm in the back and hold no prisoners light the place in flames but that won't get anyone anywhere. He holds back and lets his brothers who've never left take the lead.

All but a few bikes are gone and the Sons take their places at the exits and surrounding areas to cover the men that are going to go inside.

Chibs and Tig go first followed closely behind by Happy, Jax enters last. The bar is all but empty except for Conner Malone sitting at a booth, alone.

"I wondered how long you were going to make me wait Teller. Telford, grab a seat along with the wee lad." He says completely unsurprised and calm.

Chibs nods to the other two men to stand aside but keep a close eye and hand on their weapons.

"I thought you might be ready to talk more clearly now son." He says to Jax.

"Didn't know I needed to be more clear in what I said before. Maybe it's the accent." Jax looks at Chibs who shrugs and nods maybe in agreement.

"I didn't think you would so passive that old Chibs is doing a line with your old lady. Guess you boys don't mind sharin." He says with a laugh. Clearly not intimidated by the two. Both Chibs and Jax pull their gun and point them at him in response. He laughs and pours both men a shot of one of the only 200 bottles of Green Spot whiskey.

Neither man moves to lower his weapon. "Jackson, I thought you're mother would have taught you better then to pull a gun on a man in his own home." He says as he takes his shot.

"My mom helped kill my father, and attempted to kill my wife, then died in prison. I'd say my mother taught me pretty well." Jax says as Chibs snickers next to him.

From his side each man hears the click on a gun's safety. Along with them Tig and Happy are covered as well. They turn the safety's off and lower their guns simultaneously. Sitting they take their shots.

"Good boys." He pours them another shot. "Now, let's talk more about the Sons taking back the gun business from brown."

"Jesus Christ man you ran my wife and kids off the road to get the Sons back to muling for you?"

"Correction Jackson, I had them run off the road to get your attention. We want access to the pipeline to and from Oregon and into Washington and Canada. Want the Sons to facilitate this again. Low Key of course to get the ATF off our back."

Jax looks like he might be sick so Chibs speaks, "There is no pipeline for fucks sake. Jax has left the club and has lived in Oregon for the past years to get away from all this."

"He seems to be mighty ingrained in that leather on his back Filip. If you are still head of that table I suggest you get your man in line. Wouldn't want there to be any other unforeseen accidents." He nods to his men who pull Chibs and Jax out of their seats but holster their weapon. "I'll look forward to hearing from you when you've got a plan in effect. Jackson, Filip." He nods as the muscle men usher the four Sons out.

 _one hundred plus through black and white_ _  
_ _War horse, warhead_ _  
_ _Fuck 'em man, white-knuckle tight_ _  
_ _Through black and white_ __

 _On I burn_ _  
_ _Fuel is pumping engines_ _  
_ _Burning hard, loose and clean_ _  
_ _And on I burn_ _  
_ _Churning my direction_ _  
_ _Quench my thirst with gasoline_ __

 _So gimme fuel_ _  
_ _Gimme fire_ _  
_ _Gimme that which I desire_

Tara's been on pins and needles all day. She wants to go home. She wants her kids to go home and she wants Charlie to wake up. Right in this very moment she wants to know that that son of a bitch who did this to them is dead.

After Chibs and Jax left last night she tried to get all the info she could from the prospects, but they weren't giving up any info. She tried calling both men, with no answers. It was frustrating. She hurt like a motherfucker still, and her being annoyed makes it worse. She has spent the entire morning in the boys room playing and reading and now she's been laying in bed with Charlie.

Doctors are saying they don't have any answers for her. All the little girls STATS are normal, it's up to her they say. She has to want to and decide to wake up. How can her little girl make those decisions! It's breaking her heart.

She's been dozing all afternoon with her baby girl. She open her eyes again, expecting the nurse whose been checking both their vitals. However when she opens her eyes it's Filip. He's plating a very sweet and gentle kiss on Charlie's forehead.

"Hi." She says.

He looks surprised to see her awake. "Hi love." He says, kissing her forehead as well. "How you feeling today.?"

"I'll be a lot better if you tell me you made the asshole pay who did this to us."

"Love that's club business." He says.

"That's bullshit!" She says. "That's my daughter, and my boys laying in hospital beds. This isn't just a club issue and I really expected better for you then to throw that crap at me."

"Aye, that's not what I mean. I'm just trying to say you need to let us handle it."

"What the hell does handle it mean? I thought you and Jax took off last night?"

"We did." He concedes. "But it's not a simple thing…"

"It's pretty simple to me Filip. If you or Jax don't do something then I will." She tries to stand but is unsteady on her feet and he helps her back into the wheel chair.

"I don't think you'd get too far right now." He laughs. "Sit your ass back down. Charlie and the boys need you here."

Tara sits in the chair, not able to verbally articulate how angry and frustrated and sad she is. Everything in her life has turned to hell in the matter of a few months and there's not a damn thing she can do about it. Movement behind them catches her attention and she turns to find Jax, kutte on, standing in the doorway. She realizes she seated between the two men who love her and that she cares for and steels herself for the verbal battles she knows is coming as usual.

"I'm sorry to interrupt. I thought you'd be with the boys." Jax says and then with a nod, "Chibs."

Chibs nods his hello and Tara just stares in shock at the men. "Come in." she says to Jax, still unsure how to handle this.

"It's ok. I'll give you two your space. I'm just gonna go visit my boys."

"Jax, you don't have to do that."

"I do." He says to her then looks at Chibs, "Church at 2?"

"Aye."

Jax turns to walk away and then stop and turns back around to face Tara. "I'm glad your ok. It's nice to see you up and around." He turns and heads to the boys room.

Tara looks at Chibs, "Did I miss something?"

"What?"

"Well, suddenly you and Jax are civil even when the kids aren't around and he's wearing a kutte?"

"Like I said before, club business." He smiles and kisses her head leaving her alone with Charlie.

Jax pulls his bike back into the garage at home and turns off the ignition. He heels the kickstand and leans the bike to the side. He hangs his Kutte on hook by the front door. He sets his gun down as well and then sits on the sofa. He runs his hands through his hair, and gently shakes his head. Leaning back he stairs at the leather on the wall and even though only moments ago it graced his back it looks foreign.

After his last prison sentence he swore he would never again wear that rocker. His father club had become not a legacy, but a curse. It tore down little by little every single thing he loved, everything that mattered to him, to bits and pieces unable to be glued back together. His children were practically strangers and his wife…his…Tara was no longer any of those things.

She too was a stranger to him, as he knew undoubtedly he was to her. These days he felt like a stranger even to himself. All it took was one incident and he falls back into being that person he has fought so hard not to be. He has a life in Oregon, a business that is thriving. He has great people working for him, and home and he decides right then and there that he will help the club out of this situation he knows has been put on them because of him and then he will go home. To his home and make it the best home it can be for when his kids visit him.

His kids. It breaks his heart that in all of this they are the innocent victims of the ghost of a life he use to lead. He won't take them from Tara. He won't make this about his drama with his former friend. After all, when he was absent it was the "friend" that made sure they were all safe. He knows now that Tara won't keep them from him, but while he loves his children more then life itself, Chibs is the father they know and Tara is their mother. He won't take them away from the life they know, he will just make sure he is and always will be a part of it and he sure as hell will make sure the motherfuckers that hurt the people he loves will pay. He is a changed man, but he is still Gemma Teller-Morrow's son.

 _Turn on beyond the bone_ _  
_ _Swallow future, spit out home_ _  
_ _Burn your face upon the chrome_ _  
_ _Yeah!_ __

 _Take the corner, join the crash_ _  
_ _Headlights, head on, headlines_ _  
_ _Another junkie lives too fast_ _  
_ _Yeah lives way too fast, fast, fast, oohhOH!_ __

 _On I burn_ _  
_ _Fuel is pumping engines_ _  
_ _Burning hard, loose and clean_ _  
_ _And on I burn_ _  
_ _Churning my direction_ _  
_ _Quench my thirst with gasoline_

*Lyrics – Fuel by Metallica


	15. Say Something

It's been a while my fanfiction family. I'm sorry. I can't even begin to explain my life right now, and it's not changing anytime soon. I however am not giving up on this story and continue to work on it every chance I get to myself.

So… here is the most current chapter. I hope it clears up some of the confusion concerning Althea and Chibs. Glad I had this written before the questions came in lol. I wanted it to be confusing until this chapter. Guess my story layout is working out.

Also I planned on this being a 20-chapter story so we have 5 more chapters. I thought I had the ending planned out but I'm starting to get a little attached to and see the potential in two endings, so I think you're gonna get a "choose you own story" ending. Two different endings, and you choose which to read! Any thoughts on that? Lol

Any and all comments and questions are appreciated.

Disclaimer: None of this belongs to be, except for Jax and Tara's daughter Charlie. But literally everything else belongs to the amazing Kurt Sutter and FX.

Chapter 15 – Say Something

 _*Say something, I'm giving up on you_ _  
_ _I'll be the one if you want me to_ _  
_ _Anywhere I would've followed you_ _  
_ _Say something, I'm giving up on you_

In the deserted parking garage the sound of motorcycle engines breaks the silence. They echo through the levels until the reach P6, and the police car parked alone in the farthest space. Both bikes stop a few parking spaces away. The police cruiser driver door opens and the Police Chief Althea Jarry steps out. From the bikes it is Chibs who leans his bike against the kickstand first. He nods to Jax, who he has called to 2nd him at this meeting.

He knows that once it's over he will have some explaining to do to the man accompanying him, but he's not ok with any of the other brothers knowing this private detail of his life. After Roosevelt retired the new "Sheriff" rolled into town and directly onto the Teller/Morrow lot, looking hot as hell in that skintight uniform, and barking warnings to the members and the MC to keep their shit out of charming and threatening arrests. Behind the scenes though, on a more direct contact level she knew that in order make things with the club work she had to work with them.

Hiring Unser was one of the first things she made happen and used him to immediately to set up a meet with Chibs. She had read all the files on the Sons of Anarchy, SAMCRO, and all of its infamous members including the more recently jailed Gemma Teller-Morrow, and Jackson Teller. Unser filled her in on the details of the deal Jax had struck to save his family and his club, but not before handing over the reigns to his former VP Filip "Chibs" Telford.

She couldn't help but immediately notice that the pictures in his folder simply didn't do the man justice. Not that he wasn't attractive in the photos but upon meeting him it was the man's personal swagger that drew her in.

She never intended their outlaw/law arrangements to find them in bed together. However it didn't take long for the witty banter and subtext flirting to lose the subtext and before she could even take a breath they were in bed. The sex was amazing, and the intel flowed between them, although not easily, to do what was best for Charming and it citizens. More often then not though she knew that while he never admitted to it, most of the crime scenes she was called to the middle of night were things he already knew about.

Althea found herself, for the first time in year falling for this man, the worst possible man for her. She fought against it, even as he fought for it, and he did try and fight for the relationship he thought was worth something to him. They fought often though, because this "relationship" was something he wanted to bring to light with his club, meaning she would have to bring it to light with her job which would most likely mean the end of her job and she wasn't sure what she loved more, him or it.

Chibs knew that Althea was struggling with all of it, and it hurt him. He wasn't a man that cared easily. In all his years with the club he had never had an old lady. Fiona had left him a broken man so when Tara called and asked for help in Colorado he jumped at the chance to help her, and to take a breather from Charming and the woman in his life.

Bringing back Tara and the boys had never been a part of the plan, and while it was ok for her and the boys to stay at the clubhouse it wasn't a long-term solution. He wanted to make sure they were safe, so her and boys moving in with him was the perfect solution. It gave them more security, and a place to call home until they had the opportunity to make a new life for themselves.

That also meant that there was less time for his secret relationship, and he found that his time with Tara sated him. She made him laugh, and the kids gave him a reason to come home. Charlie loved his beard and said his scars made it look like he was always smiling. From that moment on his heart belong to those kids, and slowly he realized that his heart also belonged to the one women it shouldn't, and as fate always has it happen, right at that moment is when Althea decides she's ok with being a old lady.

Althea knew that when he came back to charming with Tara that he would be preoccupied for a while, and that it would be a bit harder to find alone time, and if she was totally honest she was glad. It gave her the space she wanted, and meant she didn't have to make a decision between him and the job she fought so hard for. But then there was a look in his eyes, when he said he had to go home almost immediately after an afternoon hook up, a look that made her realize that she might be losing him.

Then it happened. Chibs was supposed to meet her, she was going to turn in her badge and tell him she loved him, and when he didn't show she drove to the clubhouse, but he wasn't there, and then she drove to his home, and through the window she watched him play with Charlie and Thomas and Abel and they way he looked at Tara… she had to do something.

"Althea!" Chibs yelled as he ran into her house at full speed. He and Tara had taken the kids to Chuck E. Cheese when he'd gotten the call from her that she had an emergency and needed him. He had not been happy to leave them but excused himself anyway.

Walking into the bedroom he found her laying on the bed in black underwear. He stopped in his track to stare at her. She got off the bed and sauntered over to him, dangling her handcuff from one long, slim finger. "You're under arrest." She coos as she attempts to seductively move his hands behind his back.

"What's going on lass?" He asks as he pulls his hand away from her.

She presses herself against his back, "Everything you say can and will be used against you." She reaches around and put her hand on his dick though his jeans.

"Jesus Christ love, what are ya doing here?" He's getting angry as he realizes there was never an emergency.

"I wanna fuck Filip." She stands in front of him and whispers in his ear.

He takes her hand from pressing against his dick through his jeans and hold them in front of him, "I told ya I was busy when ya asked me this morning." He says through clenched teeth.

"And I told you I wanted to fuck!" She says aggressively back at him.

He drops her hands and shakes his head. He turns to leave the room and is hit in the back with a pillow. "Where the fuck are you going?! Running back to the little bitch and her three fucking children? You wanna play house?!"

Unsure of what exactly has hit her Althea is pinned to the wall before she can react. Chibs' hand is at her throat. She can feel the spitfire in his breath as he says, "Don't every call her a bitch, in fact I don't want to ever hear her name come out of your fucking mouth ever again, and as for those kids, I swear to God I will kill you if you ever speak of them again." He releases her throat and steps back. "We clear love?"

Althea reaches for her gun on the nightstand and points it at Chibs. He laughs once. "I could shoot you right now, and no one would second guess me. I'm the Sheriff and you're a god dammed criminal."

"A sheriff who's been on the take since your first day in Charming."

"I love you Filip." She says.

"I assume you're talking to your weapon then girl. Named it Filip? My name is Chibs and the moment you couldn't make a decision between the job and me you lost me. You've been kidding yourself if you didn't believe that all we've been doing since then in wasting time." She cocks the gun still pointed at him, "Well, not wasting time a good fuck is never a waste." He laughs. She fires the gun into the wall behind him. He still hasn't flinched.

"You love her don't you?"

"Aye." He says simply.

"You know Jax will kill you and there's no way in hell she'll ever love you back." She spits at him.

"Still a better chance then you've got." He turns and leaves the room, and house, leaving Althea alone, still pointing the gun at dead air.

Heading back to the pizza place he knows she's right. Jax will kill him, and there's no way someone as amazing as Tara could ever love him back, but none of it matters. All that matters is getting back to the restaurant and basking in the smiles of the 4 people waiting for him.

 _And I... I'm feeling so small  
It was over my head  
I know nothing at all  
And I... will stumble and fall  
I'm still learning to love  
Just starting to crawl_

Other then the occasional police check in on the Sons the two haven't had any direct contact since that day. With the clubs noses being mostly clean there was really no reason for the cops to be on their back, and it limited the contact between them. Chibs knows that she knows he and Tara have been together so he's prepared for the worst but doesn't know what else to do.

"Chibs." She says as she nods first.

"Sheriff." He says. They are both aware of the scrutiny they are under from Jax's questioning gaze even though he's out of earshot.

"He still letting you play president?" She bites

"He's not staying. He came back for his family and once Tara's out of the hospital they will all leave."

She shakes her head. "You really believe that don't you?"

"I do. Jax doesn't want this life anymore."

"I mean that she'll automatically choose him over you." There is silence. "I may have acted like an asshole out of jealousy but even I can see how much she loves you Filip."

He shakes his head. "I didn't come here for this."

"Then what did you come here for?"

"I'm hoping you can help me out with some info on the IRA?"

"Real IRA?" She questions and he nods in answer. "You guys know more about them then we do."

"I need to know what contacts they have within other MCs not the members."

"They the ones that ran Tara off the road?"

"Aye, they want the club back in muling and we aren't going that route again. Didn't much like hearing no."

"I'm sorry. I don't know too much about their contacts other then the Mayans and it's a DEA issue that I can't even being to touch."

"Ok, thank you lass." He says.

"But…" she stops him, "I'll do some digging. I don't much like the idea of chaos here in Charming again so if this will help keep it away from here I'll see what I can find."

"You still got my number?" It's her turn to nod. "Call me when you've got something."

She watches him walk away briefly before turning back to her patrol car. She may have lost him, but she still loves her job. Sometime things really do works out for the best.

Tara knows it a long shot that they guys will have this all handled before she and the boys are released but a girl can dream. She just left Charlie's room. The adorable little girl is so frail now. Still unconscious, Tara makes sure to brush her hair every day, put some chap stick on her lips and read her a book. She's not even half way through The Secret Garden and prays she'll never make it to the end.

Thomas is more then ready to be released, but Abel she's pretty sure has found his calling. He's spending more and more time with the Peds residents, and nurses and can do a lot of the calculation needed to decide the amount of medicine that needs to be given. It's like the way she use to spend hours at a time in the hospital with Jax's brother before he died, only with Able it's not about saving anyone, it's just that he finds all of the medicine so interesting.

When she gets back to her room she catches sight of Jax as he passes and heads to see the kids. Chibs enters her room seconds later.

"Hello beautiful." He kisses her head and helps her out of the wheel chair they force her to use when visiting the kids afraid she will tear some stitches.

"Hey handsome." He smiles back at him. He covers her legs with the blanket after she settles back. "Did I just see Jax?"

"Aye, he's headed to see the boys and Charlie. How are they today?"

"The boys are great, Charlie is still the same."

"She'll wake up love." He reassures her.

"She has to." Tara says trying to choke back the tear that threaten to overtake her every time she talks about her daughter.

"Tara Knowles.." The Doctor interrupts as he walks in. "How are we feeling today?"

She answers that she find just has aches and pains he checks all the incisions sites and her most recent labs. "Mr. Telford." He acknowledges and looks to Tara for confirmation if he should proceed.

She says, "You can speak freely in front of him."

"Ok then, well I have good news. I just talked to pediatrics and now that I've seen you I think it's safe to say that you and Abel and Thomas are being released today."

Both Tara and Chibs look at him shocked. He laughs, "Don't be so surprised Tara, you've always excelled at anything you set your mind to." He had worked with Tara during her high school years and when she returned to work at Saint Thomas 10 years ago. "I'll have the paperwork drawn up and then the three of you can go home. Charlie obviously will still have to stay here. I assume you spoke with her doctor this morning."

"Yes I did. Thank you Dr. Lipton."

He leaves and Tara doesn't know if she want to laugh or cry. She's so happy she's going home and the boys are coming with her but so sad and scared that her daughter won't be coming home too.

Home.

She's not sure she even knows where that is anymore.

Filip smiles at her. "I would love for you to come home with me Tara. You and the boys. You can't be alone right now, and I'd love to take care of all of you. If you'll let me."

Things are still so complicated but she can't deny that what he's said is true and she can't deny that she cares for him very much, "I would like that very much."

While they wait for the discharge paperwork Chibs excuses himself to give Jax the good and the hard news. He expects for Jax to be angry and to explode, but when he tells him that they are moving back in with him Jax simply nods his head and says,

"Just let me know when I can see my boys." And turns back to hold Charlie's hand.

An hour later after Tara and the boys have all been discharged and said their sad goodbyes to Charlie Jax sits quietly on his bike and watches as the family that should have been his get into Tara's cutlass that Chibs went and picked up and head home. She may not have realized it but in the moment she made her choice. Those few months ago he'd been so naïve when he'd decided to come back to Charming for the weekend and see his brothers and hope he might find some sliver of hope for him and his wife. They had both made so many mistakes when they'd been together, but it was him who had put the nail in that coffin and he had to do everything he could to not make this harder on her or the kids. He had to let go though he didn't have even the slightest idea of how to do that.

 _Say something, I'm giving up on you  
I'm sorry that I couldn't get to you  
Anywhere I would've followed you  
Say something, I'm giving up on you_

 _And I... will swallow my pride  
You're the one that I love  
And I'm saying goodbye_

Jax drove away from the hospital after stopping to kiss his daughter of her still unconscious head. He'd watched Tara and his sons leave with a man he use to call best friend, only he'd been the 2nd best. The truly best friend that Jax had ever had was six feet under. Opie had been the only person other then Tara that he truly loved with his whole heart, and who loved him back. He knew that losing Opie had changed him to his core. Driving up the street where Lila and the kids live without their husband and father felt surreal.

He had made sure that he sent them money every month. He had made a promise to Opie to make sure they were ok. He intended to keep that promise. He knocks on the door and is stunned to see a boy, a teenage boy that looks exactly like his best friend, looking back at him.

"Can I help you?" the boy says clearly trying to intimidate the man in front of him.

"You look just like him." Jax says in awe

"Excuse me?"

"Is your mom around?"

"Who's asking?"

He chuckles at the boys protectiveness, "Tell her its Jax."

The boy turns and yells for Lila and then stops. He turns back to the blonde man and stares at him, "I remember you. You were my dad's best friend, right?"

"I was, I remember you too son. But you were just a bit shorter." He laughs as the boy towers over him just like Opie did.

"OMG Jax!" Lila exclaims as she runs down the stairs into his arms. He hugs her and behind them the roar of a motorcycle breaks the relative silence of suburbia. The bike comes to rest in front of the house as he making his way inside.

"God damn it." Kenny exclaims and heads towards the bike and the girl stepping off the back. She fixes her very short, shorts as he steps between her and the guy in a Kutte similar to his but without the top rocker. "I swear I told you to keep your hands off my sister."

Jax looks at Lila to gauge the situation. She nods out to the scene unfolding and says, "What can I say, she's definitely her mothers daughter." They smiled in fond memory Donna and they way she loved Opie not to mention the fact that Lila loved him too. "She got a stubborn streak a mile long, but Angel is a good guy. He's just a prospect, but he treats her good. Come on in." She lets Kenny and Ellie deal with their sibling shit.

The have sit in the living room of the house that porn built all afternoon. Lila has very successfully run Redwoody into one of the top DVD adult entertainment companies in the world. She's never had to go back onto the other side of the camera and has invested and saved enough to ensure none of the kids will either.

Kenny from prospected when he turned 18, he remembers it all, and there was never any other way for him. Ellie on the other hand had wanted nothing to do with the club, their motorcycles, or their business, until she met Angel and teenage love would stop at nothing to be together. However she was a straight A honor roll student graduating in the top 5 of her class come June.

While Kenny was practically Opie's twin, Ellie who would soon be turning 18 her self was the spiting image of Donna at that age. He'd never forget that time in his life. He and Opie and Donna and Tara were inseparable at that age. They had all been best friends, doing everything and going everywhere together. Donna and Tara insisting that Jax and Opie take them to prom or senior skate night at the roller rink. It was amazing that the boys almost made it though their senior before taking the GED and dropping out.

He and Opie and been fools to think they were ever good enough for girls like Tara and Donna, but they were young and stupid and thought that it would last forever.

Lila knew that look of sadness in Jax's eyes. It was similar to the one Opie would get whenever he was missing Donna. No matter how much she loved him, his heart would always belong to the wife he lost.

"She will always love you Jax." She says to grab his attention back.

"She just won't choose me." He says sadly.

"It's a lot of hurt to go though. To love someone who doesn't love you back the same."

He leans in and hugs her. "He loved you."

She shakes her head, "No he didn't. But I can't imagine my life without these kids. So he may not have loved me, but he gave me more love then I could ever imagine having in my life."

As if on cue Kenny flops down on the couch followed closely by his sister. "Seriously mom are you gonna tell her she can't see Angel anymore or what?"

"Did I tell you, you couldn't seen Dante when you two were dating?" She shoots back at him. When where's no response she continues, "No, I didn't and believe me he wasn't exactly your sisters first chose for you, but it was your choice to make. Give your sister the same respect."

He glares at Ellie who sits crossed legged on the stool by the breakfast bar. "Whatever. Just don't let him treat you life crap or I'll break his fucking legs." He threatens.

"I would expect nothing less big brother." She kisses him and answers her cell phone and wanders into the kitchen speaking at pace faster then a NASCAR winner.

Kenny turns back to Lila, "Are you ever going to let the Dante thing go. Yes he was an ass. I broke it off ok. Let it go."

She smiles at him, "What kind of mom would I be if I let it go without using it to embarrass you with first."

He rolls his eyes and kisses her on the head, "I mean, I guess that's your job, just as long as you don't bring it up around Luke. He'd kill him."

She nods in agreement. "Luke's a keeper."

"Good cause I didn't want to have to bring up your mistake. What was his name? Was it Jake or Jackass?"

She throws a piece of candy at him as he dodges it and answers his own phone. She turns her attention back to Jax who's looking at her with raised eyes.

"Dante, and Jake?"

She laughs. "Surprised me to. I mean he's all boy and rough and tumble and he and Piper were practically in fistfights every single day over anyone looking at their sister the wrong way. I honestly had no idea, and then Dante and he started hanging out and it wasn't like a big flashing neon sign or anything, it was just something in the way they were with each other. So when Ellie asked if her then boyfriend could come to dinner I said why not make it a couple night and told Piper to bring his girlfriend, and Kenny to bring Dante. He of course freaked out."

"Of course" Jax laughed.

"So I just went upstairs and told him if he wasn't dating Dante then I was sorry for assuming, but if he was then who was I to judge. That there was nothing wrong with being gay and as long as Dante treated him well no one in this family was going to treat or love him any differently."

"Did he bring him to dinner?"

"No." She laughed. "He continued to say they weren't together for month, and then one day he just came out of his room and sat on the couch with me and asked if I really meant what I said about him being gay. I said yes, and he told me he was."

"Wow" Jax rubbed his every growing beard.

"Yeah to say the lest, but he's been happier kid since then. He had a bit of a panic attack when he had convinced himself that they club wouldn't let him prospect if they knew. In usual Chibs fashion he not only sponsored him he invited the now boyfriend Luke to the clubhouse to celebrate with the guys when Kenny got his full Kutte."

Jax listened to her go on and on about how proud she was of all the kids and how the club saved her life. He looked around at the pictures of their lives and stopped on a group of pictures that he hasn't seen in years. He and Opie as kids and then again in their Kuttes a few month before he passed, and more of him and Op in high school and with Donna and Tara and Opie and Donna's wedding picture next the wedding pictures of Lila and Opie.

In the background of the last picture of the wedding he sees Tara and him embraced in a dance. The night was warm and she looked beautiful in the green dress she wore. He remembers the way it brings out the green in her eyes. He'd only that day been released from Stockton and holding her in his arms and feeling her head on his chest was like being in heaven. He fucked it up. He should have taken her and the kids right then and there and run far from Charming.

"I was so happy that night." Lyla says from behind him. "You and Tara were so lost in each other that day. I use to pray that one day Opie and I would love each other life you two do."

"Did." He corrects.

"Nah, that kind of love Jax, it doesn't go away."

He stays a bit longer, just enough time to meet Luke and Angel and let them both know that if they hurt their partners their bodies would never be found, Angel laughed, Luke did not. He has heard stories about the famous Prince of Charming. One look from Jax silences Angel.

He hugs Kenny and Ellie and Piper and kisses Lila on the cheek. She really has stepped up and given these kids a great life. She tells him to stop sending money and he promises to stop but they both know he's lying and that he won't stop anytime soon. He drives away reminded of all the good the club can and does do, all that it could be, and all that it has become under Chibs leadership.

However his phone beeps signaling a text coming in doesn't leave him much time to dwell in the past. It's Chibs, and now there's church in 30 min. He turns his car back into the belly of Charming to find out what's next.

He pulls his car into the lot of TM and even after all these month back in charming it feels foreign to him to be here. He knows that driving his car most of the time still is helping keep him grounded in who he is now instead of who he use to be. The bike, its like an extension of Jax Teller: Man of Mayhem, and he is now Jackson Teller: Garage Owner and Single Father. He keeps the other man locked away, knowing it is and always will be a part of who is and was.

He still refuses to take a seat at the table in church but is no longer silent. This involved Tara and his kids and he intends to be involved. Chibs call the meeting to order.

"We have few things to cover today so lets start with the good. I think it's been time, maybe for a while that we took a vote on WW. He's been a prospect for just over a year and in my opinion has proven to be a great asset to this club. So all in favor of giving the boy his full top rocker say Aye." There are agreements all around. "Those opposed?" He's met with silence.

Jax has stayed quiet the entire time. Voting neither yes or no but stands and open the door and calls Willy into the room. The boy enters, looking scared. He's never been allowed inside these doors before.

They present him with his full membership and there of hugs all around as he's now joined the SOA family.

They settle back down and Chibs gets to the hard stuff. "It's been a long time since we've have to deal with our choices in handling retaliation. But the time has come to talk about exactly that boys. I know Jax and I have been quiet about what's going on with Tara and the kids but that's over."

The president nods to his predecessor and Jax begins, "Malone had Tara and the kids run off the road. You all know he wants the club back in running his guns, and after all these years I'm not going to make your choices on that. If you want back in that game that's up to you, but I'm sure as hell not going to let that be a choice he makes for the club, and running my family…" He corrects himself, "running a member of the clubs family off the road to force a decision is bullshit. Chibs and I have some feelers out to find out where Malone is hiding and once we know.."

He is cut off by Chibs, "He's in Elk Grove." Jax looks at him surprised. "I met with our friend earlier, that's why I called this meeting. Boys we know where he is. The only thing left to know if how we as club want to handle it." He nods back to Jax.

"I fully intend to kill this son of a bitch but I've been gone a while, I don't expect any of you to follow me into this…"

"Screw you." Jax looks towards Tig. The room is silent, "You were our brother, you lost your freedom and nearly your family to keep this club safe. And Jax, it's Tara and the kids how fucking dare you think we wouldn't follow you to hell and back for them, or you."

Jax nods at the man in appreciation. "Then I look to you all to make that choice for yourselves and if you're with me, then let's make sure the Irish never fuck with the Sons again."

There's a cheer all around and the men begin planning the hows and whys and wheres of their attack. It's several hours before they exit church and the clubhouse is full of the hustle and bustle of the SOA family and friends eating and drinking. Jax walks towards Tig and pats the man of the back. "You're one lucky women to have a man this loyal."

"And don't I know it Jackson Teller." Venus drawls as she hugs him. "Don't let it be so long next time. We missed you at the wedding."

Jax chuckles, he's sorry he missed it. "I'll throw you a party for your 10 year anniversary if you don't throw him out before that."

"Deal, and don't think I won't remember this."

He stays briefly to chat with a few of the member he hasn't had a chance to really talk to yet. When he leaves he sees Tara pulling in, the boy in tow.

He watches her park, and the doors fly open as the boy run to him. He hugs them both so desperately happy they are ok. Thomas is talking and gesticulating so fast Jax can't even tell what he's saying, but he sure as hell seem happy about it. Jax smiles and nods pretending to know what he going on about.

"I've tried to call you about them." Tara says as she puts her hand on Thomas's little head.

"I'm not going to take them Tara. I was wrong, and angry and I just wanted to know them."

"I know. I'm sorry too… for…everything." She walks over to Jax and put her arms around him for a hug.

Jax wants to hold her forever like this. To hold the woman in his memory that loved him they way he never thought he deserved to be loved, but it's fleeting and she steps back.

"Dad," Abel says, "I got the movie Fast and Furious yesterday, you wanna come watch it with me?" Jax look at Tara for confirmation.

"How about you and Dad spend the day together tomorrow. You can go to his house, watch few movies." She says.

"Only Able?" Thomas interjects sadly.

"Yes, just Able." She says as the younger boy starts to cry.

Jax kneels in front of him, "How about this buddy. Tomorrow you let me Able hang out, and then the day after it will be a just be me and you. As long as that's ok with mom."

"Is it mom?" Tommy looks up at her with tear filled eyes.

"Of course it's ok baby." The boys share excited talk.

"Thank you." He says. "Have you seen Charlie today?"

"Yes, they said she's the same. I made sure to check her chart myself Jax, and I don't know what to do. She's fine. There's nothing wrong with her. Why won't she wake up Jax? Why?" She crying and Jax takes her in his arms and sends the boys inside. The two stand together, father and mother in the parking lot and hold on for dear life.

He holds her while she cries and as she tries to gather herself she starts to pull away from him. "I'm sorry." She says softly.

"Don't do that. Don't pull away. I get it Tara, you're with Chibs. But this isn't about us, it's about our daughter, and I will always be your shoulder to cry on, if you need it. She's going to get better. She will wake up, and you will take her home and you and Chibs will make sure she's safe and loved and happy and healthy and you'll send them all out to visit for the summer and we'll make it all ok. Ok?"

She nods and this time he pulls her in for hug. They stand in silence for a long time before he says he's headed over to see Charlie before visiting hours are over. She kisses him softly on the cheek. "You know I'll always love you Jackson."

"I know. I love you too Tara."

He walk to his car and head over to the hospital and Tara heads inside the clubhouse. Behind them, Chibs has watched the whole exchange from the garage office. He takes a deep hit off his cigarette and walks towards the clubhouse.

 _Say something, I'm giving up on you_ _  
_ _And I'm sorry that I couldn't get to you_ _  
_ _Anyway, I would've followed you_ _  
_ _Say something I'm giving up on you_ _  
_ _Say something, I'm giving up on you_

*Lyrics are Say Something by A Great Big World


	16. Here Without You

Hi Everyone! I've missed you all so very much. I can't update at much as I'd like but I appreciate it that you've all stayed with me. That you've read, and reviewed, and criticized and praised. I need that all to keep me sane in the insanity that has become my life. This chapter is no where near as long as I had hoped but I don't know when I'll get another chance to post and I didn't want to leave you for so long.

As always let me know the good, the bad, and the ugly of what you think.

Disclaimer: Not mine. All Kurt Sutter and FX.

Chapter 16 - Here Without You

 _*A hundred days have made me older_ _  
_ _Since the last time that I saw your pretty face._ _  
_ _A thousand lies have made me colder_ _  
_ _And I don't think I can look at this the same._ _  
_ _All the miles that separate_ _  
_ _Disappear now when I'm dreamin' of your face._

She knows the pain is real because the tears have been falling for hours. It's been one hell of a morning and she's not sure she wants to ever have another one like it. This morning her attorney handed over the final paperwork for her divorce. It was real. This was it, the end of the line for her Jax. Even though she knew by heart every single thing that had led her here she's still not quite aware how they ended up here. The dream had always been her and Jax. Her and Jax and a couple of kids.

That dream seems like another lifetime. She had spent all of her youth trying anything to become a part of Jax's life and in turn the MC life, and it seems the entirety of her adult hood doing everything to ruin that. She knows that Jax isn't blameless in all of this but from the day she came back she did nothing to accept who he was and everything to make him think he had to be someone else to deserve her love. To deserve her, and their kids and that they needed to get the hell away from the MC and Charming.

Yet in the strange twist of fate he did get out, and she got more entwined in the world she supposedly wanted out of, and now here they were. One signature from them both and a judge's gavel would end the love that she thought would last forever. She signs her name on the line but it looks wrong. It looks incorrect, like seeing some forged version of her name on some foreign document.

She hadn't expected it to be this hard. She was after all the one that put the nail in coffin with her relationship with Filip. Jax had confessed his love, had pleaded his case and he was right, she had let him down. He had always loved her and even if he wasn't faithful with body he had always been faithful with his heart, even the years apart hadn't taken her from there.

It had however put someone else in hers. A man very much her senior, a man very much the wrong man, not that loving anyone else would ever have been acceptable, but being Jax's best friend was a betrayal she knows she could never come back from.

Thankfully Filip has left for work before the paperwork arrives. He won't have to witness her breakdown. It isn't fair. She does back into the kitchen to look once more at the divorce decree and custody agreement and being unable to see those words any longer she folds them and put them in the envelope to drop off with the attorney on the way to visit Charlie. She feels numb.

In what seemed the distance she can hear a phone ringing and it takes a min for her to realize it's her cell ringing. Answering it brings another flood of tears. The tiny, fragile voice on the other end says, "mommy where are you?"

"Hi baby." She cries, trying to hide the sound of the tears escaping. Her little girl laughs and says, "She's not saying anything daddy."

Tara laughs as she hears the phone being taken. "Filip, when…." She stops with the voice on the other end surprised her.

"It's Jax. I came by early to check on her before church. I kissed her head and her eyes opened." He lets it sink in for a second before continuing. "She really wants to see her mom."

"Of course! I'm already in the car. Be there in 10."

The drive seems to take forever and Tara feels like the hallway to Charlie's room keeps getting longer and longer and when she finally gets there she felt like she's hit pay dirt. Charlie sits on her bed between Chibs and Jax. Both men have smiles like she's never seen across their faces. They both love that little girl so much.

"Mommy!" Charlie yells when she sees Tara and both men immediately cleared the way for the mother and daughter reunion. Tara holds on to her daughter like her life depends on it. Charlie squirms and laughs but there's was no way Tara is letting go so easy. "How? Is she?" She questions with tears in her eyes.

"The wee lass is a fighter love. Doctor says there's nothing wrong with her." Chibs smiles.

"I'm ok mommy." Charlie laughs as Tara does her own assessment of the child. "Guess what?!"

"What?" Tara laughs.

"Daddy said he's getting me a puppy."

"I never said that." Chibs laughs defending himself.

"Not you Daddy… that Daddy." She says pointing at Jax.

"Me?" He says surprised.

"Yep. You said if I would wake up you'd get me a puppy." She says in all seriousness.

Tara sees the teams forming in Jax's eyes and while she's not sure what it's about she sure there's no way he'll be about to talk. She jumps in and distracts their daughter and when Jax quietly leaves the room she follows as Charlie plays with Chibs.

"Jax?"

"She heard me." Tara looks confused. He wipes away the tears he trying to hide. "After the accident I was in here talking to her. Telling her that I'd never leave her again, that if she'd just wake up I'd give her anything, that I'd even buy her a puppy. She heard me."

Tara is overcome with the emotions of the day and takes Jax in her arms. Together they stand in the hospital hallway crying and holding each other for a long time. When they part it's on by centimeters and while Tara knows it's wrong she hopes very much that Jax will kiss her and tell her everything will be ok.

She thinks it's going to happen when he takes her face in his hands, but instead of her lips her kisses her softly on the forehead and says, "I signed the papers this morning. It will all be over soon. I'm sorry I've caused you so much pain. Know that if I though fighting for you harder would change anything, I would have fought till the end of the world."

She blinks. This man before her was truly selfless. He still loved her, but for her he was letting go. How had she never seen it before? It may not have been the way most people loved, but in way it was so much better. It was love that transcended the physical, and the mental and was just something so pure. It was love at it's truest. Life just got in the way, life made it hard, and she made it harder by not seeing it.

He untangles himself from her stunned face and steps back. Chibs clears his throat and they both turn his direction. "We've got church ." He nods to Jax and Jax heads to his bike leaving Chibs and Tara alone. Tara falls into Fillip's arms and cries. It's a release of so much going on with her that she feels wrong crying on him, because not all of the tears are tears of joy for her daughter. It lasts only a second longer. "She's going to be ok sweet." He reassures her. She wipes her eyes and returns to Charlie's room.

Before heading to meet the rest of the MC Chibs and Jax head over to meet Althea in the parking garage. She already there when they arrive. She nods at them as they approach.

"I heard Charlie's awake. Congratulations." She says

When there's silence for too long she starts talking. "I found some info on Malone. Looks like there's been a bit of a coup in the organization. Not everyone, especially the real IRA has been thrilled with Connor stepping in. Buzz is that they've pulled all support since he can't even keep the guns on the DL from ATF and it seem like threatening the Sons sent them over the edge. You must have some loyal connection on the inside to be able to call off the IRA and their dogs."

"We haven't had any contact with the Irish in years woman." Chibs says, annoyed at what she's insinuating.

"Not my problem, until it's my problem. Understood?"

"Aye." He nods. The guys turn to leave but she stops them.

"That's not all." They both turn back. " He's only got protection from anyone that's decided to take his side, which I'm assuming is only a few if any, and last known address from the ATF tailing him is in Oakdale. ATF has backed off since they need to find out whose taking the new lead but I'm guess the window will be short. I don't want to know what you've got planned, as long as it doesn't come here, but it's gotta be quick." She smiled and turns to leave.

"Jarry.." Chibs calls as Jax heads back to their bikes. She stopps and turns back to him. "Thank you." He says very sincere.

She smiled at him and nods, "Figured it the lest I could do." She smiles sadly and walks back to her cruiser and drives away.

Back at his bike Chibs put on his helmet at nods at Jax. Together they ride back to Teller/Morrow to grab the guys and make sure Malone doesn't hurt anyone ever again.

 _I'm here without you baby  
But you're still on my lonely mind.  
I think about you baby and I dream about you all the time.  
I'm here without you baby  
But you're still with me in my dreams  
And tonight girl, it's only you and me._

 _The miles just keep rollin'  
As the people leave their way to say hello  
I've heard this life is overrated  
But I hope that it gets better as we go._

Tara texts the guys since she knows they're in church. The hospital is going to release Charlie to go home. The stay kept her long past what the insurance covered and since all her labs came back perfect there was no reason to keep her any longer. She was so excited to be taking her baby home.

It seemed like time is standing still as she sits and waits for Charlie to be released, but after what feels like hours the paperwork finally arrives for her discharge. Thankfully it's just before 2 so she doesn't need to find anyone to pick up the boys. She thanks the wonderful nurses and doctors that have taken such good care of her daughter before picking up the few prescription medication the doctor had prescribed to make sure Charlie stays healthy and before she knows it she's leaving the hospital with her daughter and on her way to pick up her boys.

She texts Jax and Chibs pictures of Charlie saying goodbye to her doctors; leave it to this one innocent little girl to bring these two motorcycle men to their knees. They loved Charlie and Abel and Thomas so much it brought on a peace between them all that Tara never imagined could happen.

The boys were so happy to see their little sister waiting for them in the car when she picked them up from school that even "I'm not a baby anymore mom" Abel was holding her hand and listening to her every word about all the things the doctors did to her, and how her "Dad number 2" was getting her a puppy and she would only let the boys play with the puppy if they were nice to her and played tea party. Of course right now they agreed to it all. Somehow Tara knew that there wasn't a chance in hell that Abel would actually play tea party, and it was physically impossible for Thomas to sit still long enough at his age.

After a quick trip to the market to get the stuff to make homemade macaroni and cheese with hotdog slices, Charlie's favorite thing for dinner, she pulls into the drive of the home she shares with Filip. She ushers the boys into their room to do homework, and Charlie can't wait to color some pictures for her daddies. It was a perfect day. A day she would always remember. From the lowest low of her divorce to the highest high of her daughter coming home. She is sure that every detail of the day would remain ingrained in her memory.

Before she could get very far in the cheese shredding process she heard the door open in the living room. Chibs must be home early. She has so much she wants to talk to him about.

The table made it's decision quickly and without hesitation. Now that they knew exactly where Malone was hiding out, thanks to Juice and his computer skills, it took only seconds for the table, and any willing member of the Sons to decide that Malone had to die. The club will ride together in force. The attack on one of their own, especially a mother and her children means that once he was caught what the club or more specifically Jax, Chibs and Happy would do to him would make it clear to anyone thinking about coming at the club to think again.

Jax and Chibs stood side by side watching the men prepare their weapons. There would be no surprise like their last meeting with the Irish kingpin. No hesitation, and no lack of firepower or willingness to use it and any means necessary to kill the son of a bitch. Malone's moments were numbered and that number was dwindling quickly.

"Quite a bit of luck for us that the IRA backed off on their support of Connor." Chibs says stoically.

"Yep." Is Jax's only reply.

Chibs steals a sideways glance at the poker faced man standing next to him. "It's a wonder they found out about his threatening us, and you so quickly. Wonder what made them so apt to denounce their US face."

Jax only nods.

That seems to end the conversation and both men stare straight ahead. The amount of men, both Sons, and prospects, and friends of the club, Mayans, and a few of the closest chapters of SOA load up their bikes, their vans, cars, trucks and any other vehicle that would hold weapons. Night grew closer and they would have to leave the shop in waves. A mass exit would only call attention and there was only so much they knew Jarry would be able to keep her men out of.

So it starts and a few at a time the men in leather began to drive off the TM lot. It will take at lest a few hours for the entire group to leave and find their positions to surround Malone and his men. The only thing Jax knows for certain is that Malone and those men will only leave that place one way.

Darkness has fallen by the time Chibs and Jax and the rest of the table are ready to leave. Tara had messaged both of them that she would lock the doors and that she and the kids were ok and home and safe. The men were overwhelmed with joy at Charlie coming home, even if she was still a little weak. They know that the plan is for both of them to make it home tonight and that they will do everything in their power to make that happen, but if it doesn't, they know that the other will never let that little girl forget the father she loves.

The club rides in formation, the lead position being ridden side by side by Jax and Chibs. Jax's kutte may not hold a presidents patch anymore, but he has earned the respect of these men. He has gone to prison to save this club, and even though he left, they all know they didn't blame him. He has lost more then any of them could imagine losing, in the name of the patch.

Althea watches from her office as a few at a time the club mounts it's attack on the IRA leader that had run Tara and the kids off the road. She occupies her officers with menial tasks to keep the roar of the motorcycles off their radar. The less she has to do to keep this on the DL the better. Just after the last of twilight is quelled by night she watches from her desk as Chibs and his men pass. It won't be long now before they finish what Connor Malone started. One thing she had learned from Unser was that it was best to find a way to work with the club, and as long as this didn't blow back on Charming she could think of no better punishment for a man that used a women and her innocent children as pawns in his own selfish game.

Tara smiles at the sounds of her children's laughter. No one other than Jax can make her children giggle the way Filip does. She's surprised that it took less time then she expected for the men to take care of business but also knows that when the Sons of Anarchy put their minds to something nothing and no one will get in their way.

She amazed at the way she's welcomed the violence back into her life. It feels like she's been holding her breath all these years of peace just waiting for the other shoe to drop and only now that it has can she finally breath again. She knows this life. The violence. The killing. Waiting at home with locked doors until she gets the all clear that her family is safe again.

It's a fucked up life. One she would have done anything to get herself and her children out of at one time. Can she really just accept it this easily? Part of her says yes. This man, Connor Malone, almost killed her children and deserves everything that's coming to him. Another part of her is standing, with crossed arms shaking her head at herself. She knows now that the club is back in this, it will hard to break away again. These men knew what they were signing up for when they joined the MC and it sure as hell wasn't legal living or puppies and rainbows.

She watched Happy the other day playing with the boys and for the first time in years she could see the smile behind the passive face. The excited buzz that use to fill the club house was back again. The men laughed louder, drank harder, and partied like there was no tomorrow because that was who these men were. Even Filip. She knows the safe living, the legal TM deals and bike runs were for her. They don't make him happy like he use to be. He loves her and the kids and she knows to him having them in his life makes it worth it, but little pieces of him were missing and the last few months she's watched the gaps fill in.

She mixes in the last of the ingredients and sprinkles more cheese on top of the casserole dish and puts it in the already heated oven. It will be about an hour before dinner is ready. She washes her hands and slowly puts away the things left out. There's no rushing tonight. Jax would be here soon and she and him and Filip and the kids would sit down to dinner together. It was not necessarily the family dinner she had always imagined but she feels blessed nonetheless.

Its been a long day and she knows she'll only have the time and privacy for a 2 minute shower, but she needs it. She stops quietly by Charlie's doors to listen to Filip and the kids play she hears them giggle again and she turn to head to her bedroom when she stop dead in her tracks. That's not Filips voice.

 _I'm here without you baby  
But you're still on my lonely mind.  
I think about you baby and I dream about you all the time.  
I'm here without you baby  
But you're still with me in my dreams  
And tonight, it's only you and me._

 _Everything I know, and anywhere I go,  
It gets hard but it won't take away my love.  
And when the last one falls, when its all said and done.  
It gets hard but it won't take away my love._

 _I'm here without you baby  
But you're still on my lonely mind.  
I think about you baby and I dream about you all the time.  
I'm here without you baby  
But you're still with me in my dreams  
And tonight, it's only you and me._

* Lyrics - Here Without You by 3 Doors Down


	17. Tonight I Wanna Cry

Everyone, I have missed you all so very much. I hope your New Year and holidays were filled with love, laughter and family.

This chapter is short, HELLA short but I wanted to post something since you have all been incredibly patient with me. Enjoy and I will try and post again later next week. Let me know what you think!

Disclaimer: I own nothing.

Chapter 17 – Tonight I Wanna Cry

 _*Alone in this house again tonight_ _  
_ _I got the TV on, the sound turned down and a bottle of wine_ _  
_ _There's pictures of you and I on the walls around me_ _  
_ _The way that it was and could have been surrounds me_ _  
_ _I'll never get over you walkin' away_

The farm style house in Oakdale lays nestled in between green fields, red barns, and a small calm lake that feeds the horses and other such animals that wander about on a normal California day but tonight the sky is immaculately lit by the full moon. Headlights aren't necessary for the Sons of Anarchy brothers to surround the area in silence and shrouded in shadows

Like a well-oiled military machine the men all fall into place. The front line has had a few hours of recon as the rest of the men arrive which gives them an even greater advantage since there are only a half a dozen men on the grounds. The pull of the Real IRA support has truly left Connor Malone with a skeleton crew. No doubt well confined within the halls of the massive home these few men left would protect him with their lives. Having chosen Malone over the men running the IRA they have only that choice left. Anything else and those men behind the man won't hesitate to put a bullet in their heads to say the very lest.

Having been filled in by the men Chibs, Jax, Happy, Tig, Bobby, and Juice would each lead a team onto the property and inside. Behind the house the slight crack of a window breaking provided Jax and his team the sign they needed to move ahead. Breaking down the front door, back door, and several side entrance and widows all at once provides the Sons the surprise they wanted. Not having heard any of the approaching, Connor's men are mostly unarmed and frantically trying to engage their weapons as the MC take out the men one at a time, but not without their own taking a few hits.

Chibs counts his men silently noting one dead and one injured. The injured man poured blood from his arm where he'd been hit. Chibs applied pressure to curb the bleeding but the man stands. Pale and losing blood he will not be slowed down. He has one and only one purpose here. To kill the son of a bitch that almost killed his family.

"Brother you need to sit you're losing a lot of blood." Chibs says as he tries to make Jax sit back down.

"I don't need two hands to put a bullet in the fuckers god damn head." He stands and pushes off his concerned friend.

Juice come into whispering range, "There's a room upstairs. Locked, sounds like people talking inside. Gotta be Malone."

Chibs and Jax make brief eye contact and Filip concedes the lead this time to Jax.

Upstairs the men talk in hand signals. They wait outside the closed door and listen. It only takes a second before Juice sees Jax and his current president freeze. He listens more closely before he realizes why they have stopped. The voices inside are most definitely Connor Malone and Charlie Teller.

Before anymore time can pass Jax breaks his way inside. One dead arm at his side, blood dripping onto the hardwood floor beneath his feet the other with his .45 ready to fire. Beside him Chibs holds a gun in each hand hoping to make up for the deficits and protect the child. However once inside they see only a television screen, and the images make their blood run cold. Malone has Charlie on his lap, Thomas and Abel on either side of him, sitting on Charlie's bed in her bedroom. He briefly glances down at his phone and then looks directly into the camera that is broadcasting.

"Say hi to your Da's." He smiles. The kids all look towards the camera and smile, completely oblivious to the danger. They say their hellos and show the gifts that daddy's friend has given them. The Irishman sets Charlie down and moves closer to the camera, probably a laptop webcam and says, "You take from me, I take from you."

He closes the laptop and the camera stops sending a signal, but not before they hear the screams beginning.

 _I've never been the kind to ever let my feelings show_ _  
_ _And I thought that bein' strong meant never losin' your self-control_ _  
_ _But I'm just drunk enough to let go of my pain_ _  
_ _To hell with my pride, let it fall like rain_ _  
_ _From my eyes, tonight I wanna cry_

Tara screams out in pain as the Malone punches her in the face. The sounds of the kids cries and screams break though any pain she's feeling. They have to be ok. They have to make it… even if she doesn't. She struggles against him as he pins her on the floor beneath him. Charlie, always the bravest of her children is hitting Connor on the back with her backpack. He shoves her little fragile body off of him. She falls to the floor as he ties up Tara, hands behind her back zip tied make her helpless. But not weak. Connor stands up and Tara takes the moment to comfort her children. She tells them she's ok, that they are all going to be ok. It brings down the chaos from a 10 to a 6. They are all still huddled in the corner crying but the screaming as stopped.

Charlie stares directly at the gun wielding man. She refuses to look away. He hates to admit it, but it slightly unnerves him. It's like this little child has a secret. Everyone is afraid of Connor Malone, except, apparently this 7-year-old girl. He has no plans to wait for the Sons to arrive. This doesn't need to a spectacle. Knowing that he will find his whole family dead when he gets home is reason enough to smile. Once he completes his task here he'll be accepted back into he IRA.

He knows he has a job to do but he's not an unreasonable man. There's no reason the children should have to watch their mother die. It may only cause damage to their psyche for the last few minutes of their lives but it would create havoc and he can't have that. Since Tara is already tied up in the little lass's room he ushers the children out and into the master bedroom, locking the door behind him so they can't escape into the house and out the front door. That would ruin everything.

Tara frantically searches little Charlie's room for something, anything to cut herself out with, something to defend herself from this monster. He's back though before too long and she has to assume the kids are safe for the moment.

Connor walks over to her and says, "I'm not going to give you some long drawn out speech like the bad guys do in movies, but I am sorry it has to be this way. I won't make the children suffer."

Tara knows in her heart of hearts that this is the end. There is no other way for things to have played out. All she hopes is that he means the words he says. "Thank you." She says, looking him right in the eyes the way Charlie had only a few minutes ago.

He points the gun at her and still she refuses to look away. He takes only a brief second to admire her bravery, the Sons never chose weak women, before he pulls the trigger. BANG!

 _Would it help if I turned a sad song on?_ _  
_ _"All By Myself" would sure hit me hard now that you're gone_ _  
_ _Or maybe unfold some old yellow lost love letters_ _  
_ _It's gonna hurt bad before it gets better_ _  
_ _But I'll never get over you by hidin' this way_ __

 _'Cause I've never been the kind to ever let my feelings show_ _  
_ _And I thought that bein' strong meant never losin' your self-control_ _  
_ _But I'm just drunk enough to let go of my pain_ _  
_ _To hell with my pride, let it fall like rain_ _  
_ _From my eyes, tonight I wanna cry_

Song Lyrics Tonight I Wanna Cry by Keith Urban


	18. AN

Hell everyone,

I first off want to apologize for taking so long to update this story. It is not yet complete, but i am working on it when time allows. I won't go into all the details as my drama is not your drama, but all the feedback, positive and negative have really been my lifeline these last 6 months and I appreciate all of you. I take none of you for granted and am thankful for all taking the time to read my story.

I am currently working on the next chapter and will try to have it up as soon as possible.

With love to you all,

Wiccangrrl


	19. Half Alive

Oh my goodness! It's been so long since my last post. I promise I am trying. I love this story and I miss being able to have a life of any kind that is about anything I want. So it is with great appreciation that I want to thank you ALL for continuing to read this, and sending me encouraging messages, and critiquing, good and bad. They all give me life. Yes, I have some grammatical errors, and missing words etc. I hope you all still enjoy it and get the point. I'm doing the best I can.

This story is almost done. Only a few more chapters. I wrote before that I was thinking about doing a pick your own ending, with a couple of different endings, my wife has told me I'm a sell out if I do that lol and I should pick one and go with it. I say I can see merit in both endings, so I ask you my readers… what do you think? One ending.. that's my story and I'm sticking to it, or let you choose the ending you want and write both?

I, as always, am anxiously awaiting your responses.

Disclaimer: I do not own Sons of Anarchy, or any of it's characters. Thanks as always to Kurt Sutter and FX for entertaining us and letting me play with your ideas.

Chapter 18 – Half Alive

It's four AM, I'm waking up to your perfume  
Don't get up, I'll get through on my own  
I don't know if I'm home  
Or if I lost the way into your room  
I'm spiraling into my doom  
I'm feeling half alive but I know one day  
You and I will be free,

To live and die by our own rules,  
Free..  
Despite the fact that men are fools.

The gunshot sound reverberates from inside the house to the surrounding area. Jax and Chibs, for the first time in their entire lives don't run head first into the action. Both men are frozen in place, both just a step off their dynas. For the first time in their entire lives the men are scared. That sound means only one thing. They are too late, that Tara, the kids, or both have been shot by Malone. The brief stop last mere milliseconds of their lives, but it could mean the worst possible thing and neither man is prepared for that. They glance at one another, both too afraid to speak and begin their military like directions to the rest of the men arriving to surround the house. Neighbors peek out from inside the safety of their homes but none come out and none call the police. No need. Whatever violence is about to ensue is being handled by SAMCRO.

Chibs and Jax enter the home in complete silence, and find the inside is devoid of any sounds as well. It breaks Jax's heart to know it was him returning home to find Tara that may have cost her, her life. If only he would have left well enough alone. Sure he would have been without his family, but they would have been alive to have a family, a life, even if it was with Chibs. He could have sent a letter. Called the club house, but he had to see his hometown for himself. See if it had changed in all years since his absence. It hadn't. His life with Tara flashes before him:

Tara - _I asked Dr. Namid if I could assist. I wanna help your son._

 _Tara - We don't know who we are until we're connected to someone else. We're just better human beings when with the person we're supposed to be with. I wasn't supposed to leave...I belong here._

 _Jax - Do you love me? It's a simple question._ _  
_ _Tara - It's not a simple answer._

 _Jax - You shoulda gone back to Chicago. The shit that happened with Kohn, that shoulda been the end._ _  
_ _Tara - You're not making sense._ _  
_ _Jax - This has to be the end. You gotta get out, from Charming...Away from me. It's simple. You don't belong here._

 _Tara - I sacrificed everything for you. I have tried to see what you see how you see it but I can't. All I see is the lies and the violence and how it's changed you. Turned you into a monster_ _._

 _Tara - I'll die if I have to. At least I know I tried to save them from becoming what you are_ _._

Moving with precision, Chibs takes the cover offered by Jax and moves into his kitchen. He flashes on the many mornings he's shared with her and kids here in Jax's absence:

 _Tara - How come you make living here with you so easy?_

 _Filip - It's ma secret love. I'm tryin to make ye stay forever._

 _Tara - Can this be real?_

 _Filip - It can be as real as ya want mo grah. Or it can be nothing at all. I know your history._

 _Tara - And if I want it to be real?_

 _He leans in and kisses her again, this time allowing himself to show her more emotion,_

 _Filip - Then I promise you and the kids won't ever be alone again. It's your choice, love._

 _Filip - So, what are ya saying here girl?_

 _Tara - I'm saying yes._

 _Charlie - Daddy…._

 _Tara - Did she?!_

 _Filip - Holy shite._

He never imagined he could have been that happy. He can see her smiling at him over her shoulder as he kisses her forehead after coming home for the day. He can smell the food cooking. Wait, is that smoke? It's real food he can smell burning. He sees the kitchen is empty and rushes in to turn off the oven, but stops short of opening the oven door. Releasing the smoke will set off the alarms and neither he nor Jax want anyone around to witness what they are about to do to Connor Malone.

I'm almost alive, and I need you to try  
And save me.  
It's okay that we're dying,  
But I need to survive tonight, tonight.

Well excuse me while I get killed softly,  
Heart slows down and I can hardly tell you I'm okay  
At least 'til yesterday,  
You know you got me off my highest guard,  
Believe me when I say it's hard.  
We'll get through this tonight  
And I know one day you and I will be free

To live and die by our own rules,  
Free..  
Despite the fact that men are fools.

Taking turn after turn the two men clear the dining room and living room and begin to head down the hall. Chibs clears the first bedroom and Jax rushes ahead of him, and stops dead in his tracks. Chibs too stops and fears the worst as Jax lowers his weapon, blood still running down his wounded arm.

These two Sons have known each other for many years. They've been many incarnations of family and friends. They've been confidants, and brothers, and equals. They are family, and never has it been more obvious. Two fiercely strong men working to save the family and woman they love. Working together, all their shit forgotten, a single purpose in mind. The silence in the house may have been a hindrance to many, but the years of fealty has made them a well-oiled machine. They innately trust one another with their lives, so when Chibs sees the pain in Jax's face he knows everything is about to change for them both.

Then he hears Jax speak. He can't make out the words at first, the sound of his own heart beating is downing out all other sounds. He watches Jax enters the room slowly and begins to follow and even in his heightened state what he sees brings tears to his eyes.

Tara looks up at Jax, pleading for help. She is on the ground, kneeling over of a dead Malone as she tries to talk the smoking gun out of Abel's hands. He looks at Jax with a mix of pride and fear. "I saved mom. You told me it was my job to take care of her." He says.

Jax approaches Abel. "I did, and I'm very proud of you." He says calmly, as he slowly puts his hand on the barrel of the gun and removes his eldest sons finger that lingers on the trigger. He takes the gun and passes it behind him to Chibs who wipes the gun down and puts it in his jacket.

"Charlie and Thomas are in your room mom." Abel says. He's calm and it scares Jax to think may have passed his ability to compartmentalize this type of violence on to his son.

Chibs runs past them and into the bedroom. Charlie and Thomas are huddled in the closet. Reaching out desperately for safety. He picks them both up and returns to the first room to find Jax and Tara holding on to Abel and each other for dear life. He loves everyone in this room so much it kills him to know that they've all been though so much pain, but right now he knows he's only got so much time left before Jarry isn't able to keep the cops out of this mess and he has to get rid of the gun and what's left of Connor. He interrupts the embrace only to tell them he needs to clear the room.

Jax lets Wicked Willie take Tara and the kids out to her car and back to the safety of the clubhouse. He and his brother look down at the Irish man's body, "I'm kind of sorry we didn't get to have a little fun with the bastard." Jax says.

Chibs chuckles, "If ye can't ate, drink it, or ride it, shite on it."

The current president nods at the prospects behind them, and he and Jax move out of the way while the other men take away the body and begin to clean the room of any evidence of violence. He calls Jarry and finds she cleared the area and there won't be any sheriffs on the scene. All she asks is if it's done.

"Aye." He answers shortly before hanging up.

Outside he walks over and sits on his bike, glancing over at Jax, who sits in silence. "None of this was your fault brother."

"You think you know what I'm thinking?" Jax responds with a half smile.

"Aye. The same thing I would if it were me, but Malones been trying for a while to get the sons back into the game and he used you and your family to try and make that happen. Guarantee he would have tried anyway."

"Our family." Jax says as he looks solemnly at his fellow SON. "As mush as I wish things were different, she's in love with you." Filip nods slightly. "Our family, is safe, with you, here in Charming."

"And where do you think you're going brother?"

"Home. It's too hard to be here. I'm not giving up on my kids, but I can't take them away from you or her."

"Thank you." Chibs says.

Jax pushes the start button and the engine roars to life. He buckles his helmets and nods to Chibs, "Tell her I said goodbye."

Chibs and the prospects pull into the TM lot about an hour later. He can hear children's laughter and sees the kids playing on the swing set. Apparently none too worse for wear over what happened earlier. He stands and watches Charlie take over. She always thinks she knows what right. Just like her ma. Tara is standing in the open door of the club, watching the men as they all hug or offer their condolences. Tara has been the mother hen of this band of misfit boys for a while now and they all love her.

She's trying not to be concerned. Trying not to let today create a fear in her over their lives, but its not working. She nods at the smiles offered by each man, but can't take her eyes off the lone man still by his bike. Filip Telford, Scotsman, Son, father, lover, friend and family. He's been everything to her in her lifetime, and he's been an amazing father to her children when theirs couldn't be. He's watching the kids and the smile that plays lightly on his lips is one of pride, and love for Thomas, Abel and Charlie. He loves them so much. He loves her.

Quickly her eyes begin to scan the lot again. All of the sons that accompanied Jax and Chibs to her house have made their way inside. She can hear the laughter and clinks of beer bottles and shot glasses as they drink to their success today. She looks again. Chibs is still alone and the lot is empty. One bike is missing.

Chibs walks over and pulls Tara into a warm, strong embrace. He wants to hold her forever, but now is not the time.

"He's leaving." He says as she pulls back in question. "Told me to tell you goodbye."

I'm almost alive, and I need you to try  
And save me.  
It's okay that we're dying,  
But I need to survive tonight, tonight.

And you touch my hand ever so slightly  
(Girl we're not ready for this yet)  
And the deadly look she cast upon me  
I won't regret, I won't regret  
I won't regret. I won't regret...

She is stunned. Even with all that he has changed over the years this seems so out of character for Jax. She searches the eyes of the man before her. "I have to go…" she trails off. She can see the hurt written all over his face, but she can't just let Jax leave. She can't just let him disappear again.

"I know." He nods as she runs to her waiting car and drive furiously off the lot and to Jax.

She knows she's driving recklessly, but she also knows that if she doesn't make it in time Jax will have left the house and Charming behind. Her breaks squeal to stop just in time to stop him from backing out of the drive.

"Jesus Christ Tara." He says.

"Get out of car." She says as she jumps from hers and walks towards him.

"I got a long drive ahead, we'll work out the kids later." He tries to brush her off.

She is having none of it and demands, "Get. Out. Of. The. Car." He still sits there and she reaches in and unlocks and opens the car door. He finally turns the ignition off and gets out.

"Tara…" He begins.

"Shut up." She says. "Inside." She stands aside and ushers him back inside the house he just locked up. She waits until the door shuts behind her before turning around and slapping him across the face.

He takes the hits and gently strokes his cheek. "What the fuck was that for?"

"You can here looking for me. You found me. You found the boys and Charlie, and Filip and the Sons and you shake up everyone's entire world and then you just think you can slink off into the night without even a goodbye?!"

She's mad, and hurt. "How can you do this to us again?" She pleads.

The sadness in her voice breaks him. He sits at the table, pushing out a chair opposite his with his foot for her to sit. She does. "I didn't come here to fuck everything up Tara. I was coming to try and fix the mess I'd already made of our life. How arrogant was I? I didn't need to fix anything. You fixed your life without me. You got a good life here with Chibs and the kids. I don't want to cause anymore problem then my just being here has done."

"But how could leave without saying goodbye?"

He sighs. She doesn't understand, and that's ok. "How am I suppose to look into the eyes of those amazing little people, how am I suppose to look into your eyes, and say goodbye? God damn it Tara, I'm stuck between a rock and hard place. I don't want to go, but I can't stay and watch you love someone else."

"It's called being a parent Jax. You make the hard decision. You tell the truth, and you follow through on your word. You've been an amazing father. You love your kids you just made some bad choices for yourself. Lord knows I'm no saint, but I wouldn't want us to be. Maybe we don't tell them everything we've done in our lives, but we tell them we've made mistake, and look how we kept going and look how nothing broke us. Look how we are still here."

She knows he's scared. His whole world changed from the moment he went inside, and even more the moment he came to Charming. He's going home a single father of three. "You love them, I know you do and I know things with you and me and complicated, to say the least, but…" she pauses. She doesn't know what to day. Complicated isn't even the right word.

"I love you Jackson. I've loved you since I was 15 years old. I have always, always loved you. You know that."

"It's ok. I want you to be with someone who makes you feel, like I feel when I'm with you. The act of being in love with you is enough for me. You're off the hook Tara." He says. He stands, "Come on. Lets go say goodbye to the kids before I leave?" He holds out his hand for hers.

Tara, takes his hand. The hand of the man she's loved for most of her life, the father of her children. It never fails to give her chills, and he's let her off the hook, for loving someone else, for moving on. The bad boy she's always known has grown into a man she hardly recognizes. For the first time she realizes she may not want to be let off the hook. She doesn't know what to say for the first time in her life, and allows him to usher her out of the house and follows her back to TM to see the kids and his brothers.

And I was trying to disappear,  
But you got me wrapped around you  
I can hardly breathe without you  
I was trying to disappear  
But I got lost in your eyes now,  
You brought me down to size now.

Tara holds a crying Charlie, while Chibs holds Thomas who is trying, like his big brother to not shed a tear as Jax drives away. Tear and hugs passed all around the clubhouse. Jax, is out of the Sons of Anarchy, and it didn't kill him. Even though they decided that the kids would come stay the summer with him, and they would celebrate the holidays as one family, it feels like the end of era to Tara. The car turned out on to the street and the kids are already restless. The sun is setting quickly and they know their playtime is coming to an end. Tara sets then down and lets them run back to the playground.

She is lost is thought, her head and heart have always been in constant battle. She's known for so long who it is she really belongs with, but it scares her to make that choice. She looks to Chibs and he too looks lost in thought, a tear slips down his cheek and he brushes it away quickly.

"Filip?" She asks.

"I tried so hard to keep the sons on the straight and narrow. Keep our noses clean. I never wanted this for you or them."

"I'm ok, Filip. The kids are ok."

He looks down into her eyes, amazed that she's so strong, so resilient. "Marry me."

Tara is shocked, but the look in his serious face tells her that it's not just about today. Not because he almost lost them, but because he simply loves them.

"I know I'm not a young man Tara, but in all my life I don't know if I ever loved anyone more. I love you girl, and I love Charlie and the boys. You are my family. Marry me." He says it in almost a whisper, the weight of his words falling with every sound.

Marry me. She hears it over and over in her mind. She knows the papers that show the final dissolution of marriage lay in an envelope on her table; she saw them at Jax's house earlier. He had left them on the counter in his kitchen when he packed to leave. She knows the reason, without even asking him why he didn't take them. It's too painful to see the official seal of the court, to see in writing that they didn't make it work.

"Marry me." He says again.

I'm almost alive  
And I need you to try and save me.  
It's okay that we're dying  
But I need to survive tonight, tonight  
Tonight...

I'm almost alive, and I need you to try  
And save me.  
It's okay that we're dying,  
But I need to survive tonight, tonight.  
I need to survive tonight, tonight

Lyrics – Half Alive by Secondhand Serenade


	20. Freebird

Hello again, everyone… so I actually got a full night to myself and guess what I did? Yep that's right I spent it writing! I have completed the story. So I will admit something here that I will never admit in real life… MY WIFE WAS RIGHT. No one tell her I said that. I needed to stick with my original vision for this story which for me was really hard since I'm usually not one for happy endings.. lol but I did it. I wrote a .. well, semi happy one here. My love and passion for one of my favorite ships of all time winning out.

This is chapter 19, there is one final chapter.. #20 that's I'm currently editing, and is short and gives us a brief glimpse into 10 years into the furutre. Hopefully I can get some time again today to finish editing and will post ASAP to complete this story.

Once again, I want to thank everyone reading this. I mean.. everyone. I'm thankful that you've taken the time out of your lives to read even a few sentences of what I spilled out onto the pages here. So, without further adieu.. here we go…

Disclaimer: I own nothing. Thank you FX and Kurt Sutter, in every way.

Chapter 19 – Freebird

If I leave here tomorrow  
Would you still remember me?  
For I must be traveling on now  
'Cause there's too many places I've got to see.

The drive back to Oregon is long and lonely. Freebird blares through the speakers of Jax's Charger, attempting to clear his mind of the last few months. It had all started as a simple, selfish want, to see Tara again. To hold his children in his arms and a dream that his family could be resurrected from the ashes of a life in ruins. It ended, much as it began, with a memory of life left behind, and a time he couldn't recapture.

The open road in a car is much like a bike, at a certain speed it all blurs. Everything becomes about the immediate, and if he's honest with himself that's about all he can handle right now. Thinking about everything he's left behind in Charming is too painful. Thinking about the days in the future he will have without Tara and his children is unbearable and he longs to feel the chill of the air from astride a motorcycle to help him forget. He decides that when he gets home the first thing he's going to do is buy a bike. Something he can rebuild, to occupy his mind and free his soul. That is a part of him he will never let go.

He pulls into his garage and leaves what few belongings he's brought back from Charming in the car. Maybe in a few days he'll deal with it. For now, he needs the immediate. He opens the windows to air out his house that's been closed up all this time. He throws out the spoiled food in the fridge, and calls his shop manager to give him the day off tomorrow since the man has more then stepped up in his absence. He writes himself a note to give the man a raise.

He checks his phone, already a message from the kids. They all take their turns saying goodnight on the voicemail. It breaks his heart. He sits on the bed in his room. Alone. Never before, has this house felt so empty. In the years before his brief return to Charming it had always been filled with hope. Rooms left empty for when his boys filled them, drawers left unfilled for Tara to fill once she was there.

He glances at the laundry basket he's left filled with clean folded laundry. He'd been to excited to head out to put them away. He pulls open one of the consistently empty drawers and begins to fill it with his clothes. He's trying to hide his pain and disappointment, even from himself, but when he catches sight of himself in the dresser mirror he sees the bag under his eyes from lack of sleep, the new creases in his eyes from worry, and hardness he hasn't seen in his jaw since he left Stockton, and Charming behind. He also sees the picture of him and Tara he's kept there every single day. It's a selfie they took while sneaking away to a field for a few moments of together time before things with Clay and the Irish took a shit.

He is overcome with all the emotions he's had to push aside to do what needed to be done. It almost didn't seem real. He hadn't held a gun or worn a kutte in years and yet the amount of blood on his hands still hadn't worn off. He would bear the stamp of all the lives he's taken for the rest of his life, and now he had lost hope. If not for his children Jax knew it would be easy to lose this new, better version of himself he'd worked so hard at creating.

Jax stares the eyes of the man in mirror and knows it's going to be one step at a time. He takes down the picture and pulls out his wallet and adds the newest pictures of Thomas, Abel and Charlie. He will focus on them and make sure he can be someone they can be proud to call, dad. He heads to the bathroom to shave off the beard that Charming had grown on him.

But if I stayed here with you, girl,  
Things just couldn't be the same.  
'Cause I'm as free as a bird now,  
And this bird you can not change, oh, oh, oh, oh.  
And this bird you can not change.  
And this bird you can not change.  
Lord knows I can't change.

The Oregon winter is colder this year or at lest that's how it seems. Best thing about the cold is that it always brings more business into the shop. You can go without air in the summer but you sure as hell can't go without heat, and if you can afford it you don't dare take public transportation. It's already hard enough to navigate the sludge and snow of the season with snow tires, but walking a mile to a bus stop and waiting in the biting cold is horrible. His first year in Klamath Falls Jax did exactly that, so he makes sure cars that come into the garage get fixed and back out there as soon a possible. If not for Wally, the previous owner who took Jax under his wing, he may have frozen to death trying to get to and from work every day.

There were days it was hard to believe that Wally was gone. That he was so fortunate to have met him and shared in his life and wisdom. He wonders what's he would have said about Tara. He shakes his head and checks off another date on his calendar. Only a few more months and he's have the kids here for the summer.

As he works his way through winter and into spring, the melting snow gives him something he hasn't felt in a long time. It gives him back hope. He talks to the kids every day. He's only talked to Tara once, after Charlie and said that mommy and daddy were getting married. He congratulated her. The wedding would be the end of June, right after school got out, right before the kids went to Jax. After that he made sure to hang up before either of them could get back on the phone, he couldn't take it.

June came around quicker them Jax had imagined it could. It was a time he had waiting anxiously on, but also a time he wanted to ignore. He waited each day to hear the kids talk about the wedding plans, or god forbid get an invitation in the mail. He hoped they both knew better then to think he would actually attend something that would kill him. Thankfully either or Tara or Chibs advised the kids not to talk about it so he was in the dark about that, and gratefully so. He didn't know if he could hear details and not lose his mind and heart.

Bye, bye, baby, it's been a sweet love, yeah,  
Though this feeling I can't change.  
But please don't take it so badly,  
'Cause Lord knows I'm to blame.

The summer day was coming to a breezy and lazy close. The shop had been dead since yesterday morning. It was the summer slump and Jax knew it meant nothing. He had been using the down time to use the garage to rebuild a soft tail he bought. It was coming alone nicely. He had also used his time to open a Harley dealership and had become the biggest one in the state. His knowledge, and the whispers of his past and possible connection to the Sons of Anarchy Oregon MC brought in all types of clientele hoping to catch a glimpse, or say they bought something from him. A local MC, Comrades in Arms, a military motorcycle club he found knew his father. Something he found comfort in. Learning about the man from someone that wasn't Gemma or Clay made for interesting stories. He began to realize just how like his father he was. How much he wanted to be.

He stands in the office and shouts out to his workers, "Take off guys. I'm closing up early." Tomorrow he picks up the kids from the airport. He hasn't spoken to Tara at all in months. They kept each other abreast of the kids' goings on by text. He watches his guys head out and grabs his phone to text Tara. She still hasn't sent him the flight information.

He locks the door behind him and checks the dock doors on each bay to make sure the guys locked up their end. Turning he heads to his flat black HD soft tail to head home. He locks the gate behind him and takes the long way home. He knows that if it hasn't happened already, by the time the kids get here tomorrow Tara will be married. As usual he's had women come on to him, some were married, some were single. Some wanting a serious relationship, some just a quick and fun roll in the hay, but he didn't have the desire to even pay attention to any of them. In another life he knows he would have lost himself in each of them, taking the moments to try and distance himself from his pain, but it hadn't worked even then:

 **Jax** : You wanna know how many women I've slept with over the last 10 years?

 **Tara** : Don't do this…

 **Jax** : Hundreds! Maybe more, I don't know. I barely see their faces. I married Wendy because I was lonely. Because I got tired of the endless disconnect. It was just a sad time-out. Because when I'm inside someone, there's only one face I see. When you came home, it was like some kind of sign to me. Like my past coming around to give me another shot to do this different; better. And now that chance is running back to Chicago.

Maybe he should have just let her go all those years ago. Maybe it would have been easier. He's been riding for hours when he stops to check his phone and grab some food. There's several missed calls and messages from Tara. "plans have changed. call me." the text reads.

He can't believe his eyes. Call her? Plans have changed?! He's getting angry already. He's waited for months to see his kids again, and now the day before he's supposed to finally see them she's changing plans! He presses redial on the phone. There's no answer from Tara or Chibs phone. He's been planning on this visit, decorating the kids rooms, planning fun things to do like Ariel Tram or the Museum of Science and Industry, days lounging in the pool and having BBQs in the backyard. He tries her again. Still no answer. He's fuming now, trying to keep in under control. He tosses the food he hadn't even had a chance to take one bite of. He's lost his appetite.

Jax pops the ignition and the engine fills the streets with a rumble. He smiles at a few high school girls watching from their seats at the burger joint before pulling off, as they giggle. He heads home. He doesn't think the general public needs to witness the fight that's about to occur. His kids are all he has left. He turn the corner of his block, seeing red though his sunglasses. The setting sun is at a blinding angle and he pulls into his drive barely noticing his surrounding.

Kickstand down, Jax steps off his bike and takes off his helmet.

"I though you said I could help you rebuild it." He hears the voice behind him and turns startled.

Able, looking every bit a young man now, stands next to Thomas who is holding his favorite dinosaur. Behind them he sees Tara, leaning against her Cutlass. No mom van in site, he can clearly make out the baby seats in the back. Charlie squirms in Tara's arms as she sets her youngest down.

The little girl runs to Jax. "Daddy!" Jax scoops her up immediately holds her tightly as Thomas hugs his leg.

"Mom said we could come early." Says his eldest.

"I'll grab their things out of the trunk." Tara says.

Jax puts down the kids and runs over to help. Three large suitcases and few stuffed animals later they are inside. He shows Tara the kids rooms and lets them start unpacking their stuff as he walks towards the kitchen. She follows and stands in the doorway.

"Congratulation." He says with tight lips. They must have wanted to start the honeymoon early. He offers her a can of soda from the fridge.

"On?" She says as she opens the carbonated beverage with a pop.

There is silence for a few moments. Jax looks at face. She looks tense. Nervous. "Is something wrong?" He asks.

"No. Why?"

"That's your I've got something to say face."

She laughs briefly. "You remember my face that well?"

"I remember everything." He turns as he says the words. All he can thing about is that he hope she leaves quickly.

"You congratulated me, I assume about the wedding." When he doesn't respond, she continues, "I know how badly I've hurt you, how badly we've hurt one another. I know that's why you refused to talk to me all these months."

"I meant what I said before I left Tara. I just want you to be happy…"

She cuts him off. "God damn it Jax, when did you get all Zen?' She quips.

"I don't know what you want me to say here Tara."

She sets down her can and stand up and walks over to stand behind him. "I want you to say you love me." His back stiffens as he feels her so close and hears the words she saying. "I want you to hear me say I love you. That I couldn't marry him no mater how much I care about him because I couldn't stop loving you and he knew it. That it's been over for a while and it's always been you I've loved, that I was just too scared to tell you that and that I'm terrified that I'm too late." She pauses. Jax has yet to turn around.

"Mom, look at the back yard." Abel interrupts. He pulls open the sliding door and runs outside followed by his siblings. The moment is broken and the silence from Jax tells her everything she needs to know.

He stands at the counter, his back to his family as they head outside. He's frozen in this spot like superglue has rooted him to the linoleum.

He's still standing there when he hears Tara telling the kids she's leaving. She kisses them and Jax finally turns to face her. "Goodbye." She says and heads out to her car.

He looks at the kids who immediately run back outside to play. He can hear her engine turn over and it's like the rumble of the cutlass cuts the tie that were binding him in place. He can't let her drive away.

He sprints out the front door, just as she's getting out of the car and heading back in.

"Damn it Jax, don't let me drive away!"

He grabs her by the face and kisses her. It's a kiss that's he wanted to feel for years. Not one filled with sadness or goodbye. It's rough, and passionate, and filled with love and lust and he doesn't want it to end.

'Do you love me?" He asks as he pulls away. "It's a simple question."

"It's a simple answer." She says. "I let you walk away from me, because I wanted out, but I was sacred and lonely and I let myself find love and comfort in the club, but it always ends up the same. I end up the same. Sacred, wanting out, and still in love with you."

But if I stayed here with you, girl,  
Things just couldn't be the same.  
'Cause I'm as free as a bird now,  
And this bird you'll never change, oh, oh, oh, oh.  
And this bird you cannot change.  
And this bird you cannot change.  
Lord knows, I can't change.  
Lord, help me, I can't change.

Lord, I can't change.  
Won't you fly high, free bird, yeah?

Lyrics - Freebird by Lynard Skynard


	21. I Bet My Life

For the final time.. here for you my readers I give you… Everything Has Changed.

Disclaimer: The rights to Sons of Anarchy belong to the amazing Kurt Sutter and FX and has gotten me though some hard time and is much appreciated.

Chapter 20 – I Bet My Life

I know I took the path that you would never want for me  
I know I let you down, didn't I?  
So many sleepless nights where you were waiting up on me  
Well I'm just a slave unto the night

Now remember when I told you that's the last you'll see of me  
Remember when I broke you down to tears  
I know I took the path that you would never want for me  
I gave you hell through all the years

So I, I bet my life, I bet my life  
I bet my life on you  
I, I bet my life, I bet my life  
I bet my life on you

The cast of family and friends gathered all in black are in stark contrast to the stunning California day filled with brilliant blue skies, warm weather and a slight breeze. The green grass now covering the recent grave gives way as the headstone is placed. It's been 10 years since Tara made her choice, 10 years since she's been back to Charming and to come home for this has been devastating.

The funeral was days ago, and she still can't believe he's gone. She thought that maybe coming to see the words etched in stone placed to mark his final resting might make it seem more believable. She hears footsteps and knows she's not alone. Turning she sees the sadness in Althea's face. It was her husband they laid to rest.

Filip "Chibs" Telford, was never a man of many word, and his marker was no different. His name, the SONS logo, and the dates are all that are etched.

I've been around the world and never in my wildest dreams  
Would I come running home to you  
I've told a million lies but now I tell a single truth  
There's you in everything I do

Now remember when I told you that's the last you'll see of me  
Remember when I broke you down to tears  
I know I took the path that you would never want for me  
I gave you hell through all the years

So I, I bet my life, I bet my life  
I bet my life on you  
I, I bet my life, I bet my life  
I bet my life on you

After moving to Oregon with Jax, they decided that the plan they had set in place for him, would be the same for Filip. The kids would spend summers in Charming and for the holidays Chibs come to their place.

They married a year after she showed up at his house. It was a beautiful ceremony, held in their backyard. It was filled with love and laughter, and friends new and old shared in the day. Chibs did not attend, but sent his love. Jax understood, as he knew it could have been him on the other end.

They made it work though. Every summer the kids had so much fun, and when Chibs and Jarry found their way back to one another they both came out for all the holidays. Somehow they all moved past the pain and found that family really wasn't limited to those you shared blood with.

So when Jax walk into the bedroom one evening, his face ashen as he relayed the details of the accident and the Chibs hadn't survive the hit and run. Everything turned on its head. The kids were in shock, but in usual teenager fashion had blocked it out with friends and technology and slowly they all healed, Jax, Tara, Althea, Abel, Thomas, Charlie and The Sons.

Don't tell me that I'm wrong  
I've walked that road before  
And left you on your own  
And please believe them when they say  
That it's left for yesterday  
And the records that I've played  
Please forgive me for all I've done

So I, I bet my life, I bet my life  
I bet my life on you  
I, I bet my life, I bet my life  
I bet my life on you

As with all things time marched on and Abel is now 22, and living with his girlfriend Sarah in Boston working on his medical degree at Harvard. It never fails to amaze Jax that something he created, something he raised made it into Harvard Medical School. Thankfully it seems the years have wiped the bad memories of his childhood away and Abel is a strong capable man.

Thomas is 18, having just graduated high school he's been working full time since his sophomore year when he created a non profit to bring laughter to children with a terminal illness that have to make extended stays in the hospital. Jax chuckles to himself that his amazing wife has rubbed off on them.

And last but certainly not lest is Charlie. His adorable little girl, one that insists on wearing jeans just a little too tight and tank tops he's swears are a size too small, even when Tara reminds him of what she use to wear. What a bad influence he smirks. The best thing about 17 year old Charlie is that she doesn't even realize what a heart breaker she is. She is every bit her fathers daughters, spending every minute possible she's a top rate mechanic and even though they had many "heated discussion", as Tara called their numerous fights regarding the SONS, she still becomes the first female prospect and even though he knows he shouldn't encourage it, Jax has to admit that even as a prospect she's leaving every other potential in the dust and he's proud.

Kenny sits at the head of the table his grandfather helped build, having kept the club in the family and in legal pussy and a legalized pot the bloody legacy of the Sons of Anarchy seems to finally have come to an end. One day he knows if she plays her card right, and he knows she will, Charlie will be the first female president to ever sit at the head of a redwood table.

So I, I bet my life, I bet my life  
I bet my life on you  
I, I bet my life, I bet my life  
I bet my life on you

Lyrics – I Bet My Life by Imagine Dragons


	22. A Great Big Thank YOU!

I just wanted to take another moment to say thank you, each and every one for reading it and giving me something to look forward to. I'm a little low on inspiration so feel free to shoot me story idea if you have any you'd like to see written.

I watch lots of other shows.. most recently I'm addicted to The 100 but throw something out and i'll get back to you.

Lots of love to everyone!


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